dead tree forks
arizona heat still goes dumb hard
voices swivel for relief
i mouthed every word
of a break up song
like it means something
giving you up
like you gave up on the pronoun game
callous tongue
imagine if you called me by my name
as opposed to a girl
like i told you to

i guess i still miss you
but talking’s for functioning people
when we stand stark
at the vertices of our dog days
we don’t say anything at all
in uncharted autumn
we still have a little sun left
trying to make sense
of the irregularities that compact
this relationship
into tiny little boxes we check
every once and awhile
ostentatiously

I used to use Facebook a lot.
Thankfully now its deleted
And my connection to the endless staircase of misinformation is severed.

But I would get on there,
Looking for something, almost obsessively. I would write clever poems and prolific pieces of philosophy, to be met time and time again by disappointment. I felt like just a mad man out rambling on the streets, no one taking him seriously, and even more just trying to avoid him.

So I left social media behind
But the longing for spiritual
And intellectual connection remained

Until I found myself here
Joined by like minded, thinking,
Feeling, people. And I take such joy in reading their thoughts, their joys, and their pains because I know its all real. Its all honest. So rare.

kooky, kooky llamas and duckies
frank ocean and kanye westy
in your car, rain pouring on our gucci
escape into your house, but feeling weird

like we're gonna do something
wrings the self and our hair of water
like our mangled garments
you play destiny 2 and i read poetry

not one hundred emoji on that chief
what we're supposed to be or do today
on our day off, write about nothing
and realize that's how it's supposed to be

sometimes i think about you
other times you worm yourself
back inside my dreams like a solicitor
strain to hear your voice

i'm striking attitudes with you as the sun sets
of course, young and stupid
can't really hide my emotions
at all when i'm around you

we're always together where
i last spoke to you before; at that **** park
i don't go to anymore because memories hurt
since you killed yourself, aren't we always depressed

speak to me your secrets and the signs
i've always failed to see
give me all your wisdoms
and the sense of urgency in your voice
before i wake up broken from the dreams
stuff that melts my heart into wax
voice to a whimper
bones like water
body empty
and thoughts missing you
but running forever

on the state border in your wagon
thinking too much about
the future even though we’re just pretend
and this is the last time i’ll see you

illuminating my inability
to tell my own character
and trying to empathize with
your own despite us

being just pretend and our organs
are more than cotton, fabricated
hearts and both using each other
even though we’re unimportant and fake

so tightens the end of september
like a noose, rained for weeks straight
and i’m doing whatever feels right

you run your fingers thru my hair
and i’m embarrassed, don’t know
how to tell you how i feel

want to run away into the night
with you, want to drink again
and fight the system, its every discoloration

so each day goes
forgetting what brings the glitter
back in my eyes, smiles fading for no reason

You got your first job at a hotel
You said it was fine but didn’t realize
That you’d bitten off more than you could chew
Until 4 AM the next day
When you called your boyfriend and
Showed up at emergency

Swore your anxiety was better and yet
You couldn’t hit the push-to-talk button
Called the hospital with your phone instead
Because the 5 extra meters of distance
From the hospital door really made a difference

The nurse gave you a couple hotlines to call
Next thing you knew you were crying on a park bench
Talking to a mental health worker over the phone
At 6 in the morning

You always seem fine until you start talking
Holding tears in until your thoughts
Escape through your mouth
For you to hear them out loud
Because that’s when you realize these things
Are more than just words

You still ended up at the hospital
As directed by the confusing-but-supportive
Mental health worker

Just as you did over the phone
You insist you aren’t suicidal
Whenever necessary
You feared being admitted again
But you wouldn’t say this aloud

...

After dropping off your prescription slip
With a grocery store application form hidden in your jacket
You quit your first job

Your mom wasn’t angry
Like you were worried she would be
But you still haven’t told your dad
Because he seemed so proud
And the first thing of significance
That you told the mental health worker
Was that you feel like a disappointment

got to eat them as they darken
reddened ruby to black constant opal
berries will rot quickly if you don’t
or they’ll taste real gooey and wierdy
if you let the drupelets’ colors get
unsynchronized like summer and fall

...why am i telling you this?
because i learned that the hard way
and the days go away in the gleam
heavy showers and peak-a-boo sun
the east barely bracing for the storm
and the sweetness decaying like the leaves