Isn't it hilarious?
That the ones
You love
Like you
Sister
and
Mother
Don't care
About you?
They say,
'I love you'
but they yell at you,
'I hate you'
In the same day?
Over
a measly
pair
of earbuds?

How do I
Convey to someone
That I hate them
Without speaking?
Crying
While silent?
Trying to
BE
INDEPENDENT
LIKE
YOU
TOLD
ME
TO,
GROW UP,
MAKE A VOICE,
AND
B R E A T H E
WITHOUT YOU FAWNING OVER ME LIKE I'M SOME NEWBORN DEER IN THE WINTER, MOTHERLESS, UNLOVED, AND UNCARED FOR.

They lied
Sugar-coated lies,
Harsh lies,
Bitter,
Vengeful lies.
I'm used to it.
Used to it all.
Starting at the age of four.

I stayed up
Crying.
I'm...
Happy?
This is better
Take off the make-up
Let the world see
How
They
Treated you.

Scars
Eyebags
The whole shabang.

Be against them
Even
If
You're
The
Only
One.

But

They don't ask
Not for my side of the story
Why I did it
Or
If
I
Was
Alright.

I HATE
THIS
WORLD
AND THIS
FAMILY

WHY
DID
YOU
PUT
ME
HERE

It's my birthday on Friday.
Maybe they'll notice if I die.
Most likely they won't.
But it won't matter to them.
But it will matter to me.

"I'm sorry, I have tennis."
"I have a club meeting."
"I have violin lessons."
"I can ask my mom today,
But I don't think she'll say yes."

The excuses I make
I can make more and more now,
I flood my time with things
I have Sundays off,
But that's for church and family and friends.

My insomnia is taking over.
My eyebags are concealed with makeup,
It's not that hard, really.
My grades are dropping,
But I can spare a few points.

I wake up to my alarm.
I go to the bathroom,
Put in my contacts.
And a smile.

Beauty is all I think about.
'This shirt goes well with these pants'
'This doesn't go with anything'
'I should go shopping'

It keeps me awake
These thoughts that haunt my mind
I refuse to go to sleep.
Or maybe
I can't.

Are you okay?
Are you alright, are you fine, are you good?
Are you adequate, are you decent?
Are you emotionally stable, sleeping without crying, smiling because you want to?
Are you breathing without questioning, are you waking up without trying, are you eating without throwing up?
Are you reading this poem right now and thinking no?
Are you thinking for the first time, will I ever be okay?

You will be okay.
You will be alright, you will be fine, you will be good.
You will be adequate, you will be decent.
You will be emotionally stable, you will sleep without crying, and smile for the happiness blooming inside of you.
You will breathe without questioning, you will wake up to a new day, you will eat easily
You
are going to be okay.
So please smile sunshine
It’s a fine new day
To be okay :)

- a.g.