I compare myself
to a military wife
because i too
did not sign up for this
the only way i can deal
with you choosing
something over me
is be putting you
on an untouchable
pedestal
and pretending
you are doing this
for another cause
other than yourself
you are not fighting
you are not honourable
the only war you are fighting
is with yourself
the only thing you are sacrificing
is me
and that doesn't seem
to be a sacrifice at all
I apologize to anyone
who actually is loved
by someone who
left them
for the greater good
I'm sorry,
because
your bond
should never be misunderstood

anyway...
take care of yourself
he sighs
as if somehow
he has a right to feel pain
what does he think I've been doing
for the past year
since the day he got up
and disappeared
he said
don't lose yourself in one night stands
don't drink too much
and leave your cigarettes at home
and i say or what?
you won't want me anymore?
even his eyes grew silent
as mine become slightly violent
you can't tell someone
you once loved
what todo
you can't leave them
and have them too.

quietly falling apart
the most renowned form of art  .
i muffle  my sadness so you won't hear through the phone
a piece of me breaks each time you change the date you come  home  .
my life slow weaves around you, adjusts to your dreams
while your life lets the dandelions grow over my needs  .

All I hear in your voice
is an echo of your true self bouncing
within this new hardened mask you call your face.
You call me just to say you are keeping your  distance,
you seem to be convincing yourself as the static thickens.
You want to know more of me,
but the truth would hurt you
even though you were the one who left me begging at the airport.
I can't tell you I have felt the very lips you dreaded for so long
I can't tell you that I've stopped thinking about you
every night I fall asleep,
because I fall asleep in his arms.

te adoro en luz sandia, y luz zapote
en el amanecer y a caer el sol
te amare con viento caliente en los días largos del verano.
en esas mismas noches cortas y calladas, te dire como un suspiro lo tanto que te quiero.
te pensare en los días grises de invierno. cuando el pavimento y  el cielo se comen el horizonte.
te estrañare con el olor de lluvia en el prado
y yo te sigo adorando cuando las hojas color candela caen de los brazos de arboles canzados


*I love you in watermelon  and blood orange light,
at sun rise and sunset. i will love you on those long summer days, on these same nights short and quiet
i will tell you like a exhaling breath how much i really love you.
I will think of you on winter days so grey  the pavement and the sky eat the horizon.
I will miss you with the smell of fresh rain on blades of grass, and i will keep loving you when the flame coloured leaves fall from tired arms of trees.

i take you in.
your hands.
your smile.
your eyes.
It's hard to remember  loving anyone else.
i look at you
your puckered lips
your eyelashes
your scar traced hips
I don't dream of anyone else, awake or asleep.
you love me yearningly.
yet not overwhelmingly.
you love me wholesomely.
You smile at me like you have never seen anyone else.

the taste of sea salt
and mint
covered skin
linger
when
i lick my lips
and every time
i whisper your name
to myself
in my sleep
i think love
is the constant
breathing in fragments of you
i think love is
keeping you
like the last chocolate
in the back of my mind
i think love is
taking pictures
i wish you were in
i think love is
your hands fitting
perfectly with mine

selfishly,
my darkness absorbed any light it could find,
that light was you.
i drank you up until i could stand on my own
i left you thirsty and without answers.
you filled a void someone else created.
you soothed the wounds as he carved them,
healed,
i went back to him in good condition
because of all your hard work
then i would return,
hopeless and cracked
you put my pieces back together so many times.
then one day i never came back.

words pour out bitter they cut into your skin
my poison leaks into you and hurts you
as i became absorbed again by the ugliness within
i throw smooth stones at my refection
hoping one day the ripples
they make will turn me into someone else.
as the water settles i gaze into my own disgusted eyes
see my wretched body the flaws they don't lie.
you say you can't take my bitterness
you are tired of my sickness
you say you wish i saw what you see
then you leave.
i sit at the edge,
with my toes in the pond left alone
with my reflection looking into the eyes
that hate what they see as much as i do.

holds herself while she cries,

a false sense of security

always, she helped with the rubble
she helped carry everyone's trouble
one by one she loved,
one by one they got better
and all she was left with
were the stains left by their trouble
and the aches from carrying the rubble
she tried to scrub out the stains
and soothe her own pain
but now no one would take her,
no one wanted to help carry her trouble.

you taught her what love was,
then left,
she would  never be the same again


                               *s.v

stay, hold my cold hands,
in your always warm ones
stay, in this everlasting rain,
i'll keep you company
stay, hold my worn helpless heart,
it gets so tired when we're apart
stay, for me
stay, for me

*please?

Still I ache,
Its been four months since our last date.
Images of your face,
Still run through my mind most days.
I remember you in my shower,
I remember you in my chair,
I remember you half naked taking up space
And breathing my air.
I remember you kissing my nose with smiling lips,
I remember you placing entitled hands on the curve of my hips.
Okay maybe four months ago we weren't so good,
But how about the twelve before those? or the other sixteen before those?
Do you ever, find yourself remembering me?
Do you remember me smiling as I kissed your cheek?
Still I ache,
And its been four months since I've seen your face.

I
will
miss you
in a happy,
fruitful kind of way
because eventually,
you will come back to me,
and our fruit will mature
and be ever so sweet
on your return

right on time you do not comply
and once again I'm left waiting for you.
Your sweetness will not always be able to make up for the disappointments.
One day your velvet voice will not be enough to make me forget.
Until then, I will write down your wrongs, until maybe they sink in.

you write stories with your lips
on  the  tan lines of my hips
I've been missing you
and your dog

they say sad tears and happy tears are molecularly different

am i molecularly different, now that i cry tears of sadness?

did your leaving me change what i am made of?

they say we are made of stardust and other borrowed things

so that means you changed the make up of the stars when you left me,

and you changed a small part of the universe too.

Te queria como una ventana abierta.
Con sus cortinas volando en el viento como un velo volando por el mar.
Te queria como una ventana sin barras, sin modo de protejerse.
Yo dejaba tu viento traer lo que queisiera, lo fantastico y lo malo envelto en arena y hojas de colores. Yo lo queria todo, porque eras tu.

Te quieria como un rio sin represa.
Moviendo y bailando por la tierra sin dudas y sin hinibiciones
Yo dejaba que tus hondas me llevaran a donde quisieran.

Yo te amaba sin piel.
Te deje ver y sentir cada musculo y nervio, cada memoria
y cada sueno.
Pero la piel que yo deje, tu la recojiste y te escondiste en ella,
no me dejaste conocerte sin las capas que parecian   paredes de un fuerte.

Yo te amaba con mis ojos cerrados,
Solo veia estrellas y constelaciones.
Tu con tus ojos abiertos,
Solo viste consequencias y razones.

do you remember the days
we watched planes,
take off from the water with such ease
and the loved poured from us effortlessly
do you remember the ocean mist in our eyelashes
and the way you held me in your coat,
to protect me from the cold
do you remember the silence on the peer,
you said it was so quiet you could hear me smiling
do you remember the happiness we felt,
when you were back on the coast,
together we made home
we built it with the  warmth of our souls
and our tangled fingers
and our longing bones
you left me on this dreary coast
waiting for you to build our home
i can't build anything alone
let alone when i'm cold

the void of your voice sounds like  the smoothness of satin rubbing on my skin feels
the lack of you sounds like  hints of honey and sweet sayings that drip down finger tips
the memory of  your laughter is muffled, and  takes the rhythm of my heart beat as it echoes quietly
you are an intangible
beautiful ghost
that was once my home

You tell me a well rehearsed stock answer, when I ask if you love me

You can't even use the word love, to say you don't have any.

Please don't call me anymore, I don't need your selfish thirst for my soul,

   when you can't even make me a cup of tea.

I have to much time on my hands
thoughts of doubt flicker in and out
as I sit here alone
and the silence lets me finally hear the
pessimistic whispers of my own heart.
My mind and heart team up against me and
commit treason to my holistic well being.
"He's safe", I whisper back weakly
"I'm numb and he is safe."
I get up, rustle paper and clank tea kettles
and never sit in silence again.

you group these letters on a silver platter
that have slyly slipped from your  siren lips
i,
a simple sailor lost in the mist of your voice,
trapped in the waves
of your heart's ribcage.

i never had the chance to reach the harbor
nor did i want to,
after swallowing your store window words.
your voice is complex lights and welcome signs. 
 las vegas casinos envy the way you sell to the gambling addict,
to the slave of the unknown.

you are that.
a gamble,
advertised as a sure thing.

you are an array of bells and whistles purchased at 5 in the morning on the shopping channel
but when delivered and when your big colour full box is ripped open,
a scared and average appliance is all i find.

Average i know this word scares you.
its the worst thing that can ever become of the extravagant,
of the bold.

but average is comfortable,
average is no more need for shows,
the circus elephant can finally go home.

its real.

its everyday life,
its mix matched socks  and its stolen road signs.

you and i are average in the most unique way
because we mold together layer upon layer and become one of a kind.

the one of a kind I'm proud to call mine,

the you and me combined is something i cannot quite define, in words that is

but in just one kiss

everything begins to exist

words aren't needed,

in this permanent bliss

An attention seeker
A destroyer
An unforgiving shadow behind the light
She returns
With her jack knife
she highlights
the void never to be filled
The self doubt never to be killed

do not confuse rage for emotion
our EmoTions are in check as
we calculate and
devise a plan to
proverbially
and literally
peal
your
hands off our *****
do not confuse a women's tears for fragility,
for her tears are full of pain and anger and the future,
that does not need to include you
you were not considered in the plans of the matriarch,
not out of hate
but simply because you are unimportant
do not confuse her hips for beauty,
those hips are waterways to life  
that you have no right  to even
lay your weak eyes open
you cannot make the calls
do not confuse
losing to being lost
losing lives
losing songs
and
voices
and
laughter
and
our bodies

and POWER

does not mean that this ocean
of strong woMYN are lost
We  have always been found
and we will too,
overcome the darkness in you.