sometimes i feel as though we are the same person,
but you are the version that is more refined and more talented and more effortless
we do all the same things,
but you take the time to brew beauty
as i let emotion crash through delicate crystal i once tried to create

you are also darker; more solemn

you have long legs
a slender waist
milky skin
and deep brown eyes
that are serious
thoughtful
and earnest

I provide the imperfection,
the blind confidence
and the willingness
to make mistakes
i provide thick thighs
and a booming laugh
that makes it known we are not here to please

we are a literary device;
two parts of one character
that morphs into one
complex heroine by the end of the folktale

do not confuse rage for emotion
our EmoTions are in check as
we calculate and
devise a plan to
proverbially
and literally
peal
your
hands off our *****
do not confuse a women's tears for fragility,
for her tears are full of pain and anger and the future,
that does not need to include you
you were not considered in the plans of the matriarch,
not out of hate
but simply because you are unimportant
do not confuse her hips for beauty,
those hips are waterways to life  
that you have no right  to even
lay your weak eyes open
you cannot make the calls
do not confuse
losing to being lost
losing lives
losing songs
and
voices
and
laughter
and
our bodies

and POWER

does not mean that this ocean
of strong woMYN are lost
We  have always been found
and we will too,
overcome the darkness in you.

you let your body go  heavy,
limp,  
you are draped over me.
your broad shoulders slightly rise and fall to the rhythm of your breath
bare skin to bare skin
the minuscule space between our sillouettes
radiates heat and energy
the moonlight shines in through the window
just enough to see the freckles sprinkled on your back
the sheets are tangled
at the tips of our toes
my little toes
and your larger ones
i drift in and out of sleep
each time remembering that i have you
and my lungs fill with satisfaction
and peace
you are slightly too heavy for me to sleep deeply
but i  never want the weight of you to leave my frame

Chilled winds chime through trees
as dim autumn light meets dew
and crimson leaves glow

one
You took it from me
You smiled as you thrusted
You said you were drunk

two
You were perfection
I pretended you were *one
Then everything changed

three
  You smoked cigarettes
You listened said I was not alone
I cheated on two

four
You were just a friend
You kept asking if I was okay
You knew I wasn't

five
Blue eyes and shyness
You mended with tender love
Then you left for good

three  
We ****** just to Feel
magic wore off, we were dull
mutual rebounds

six
You were wild and fun
You said I was lovable
I felt whole again


seven
I was much too drunk
Your friends heard us through the walls
I don't regret you

eight
Your scar turned me on
So did your smile and your laugh
You made me feel valued

five 
the goal was small talk
we were drunk on nostalgia
we loved one last time


eight 
You're warmth and patience
eager hands and tender lips
My soul loves Your soul

te adoro en luz sandia, y luz zapote
en el amanecer y a caer el sol
te amare con viento caliente en los días largos del verano.
en esas mismas noches cortas y calladas, te dire como un suspiro lo tanto que te quiero.
te pensare en los días grises de invierno. cuando el pavimento y  el cielo se comen el horizonte.
te estrañare con el olor de lluvia en el prado
y yo te sigo adorando cuando las hojas color candela caen de los brazos de arboles canzados


*I love you in watermelon  and blood orange light,
at sun rise and sunset. i will love you on those long summer days, on these same nights short and quiet
i will tell you like a exhaling breath how much i really love you.
I will think of you on winter days so grey  the pavement and the sky eat the horizon.
I will miss you with the smell of fresh rain on blades of grass, and i will keep loving you when the flame coloured leaves fall from tired arms of trees.

laying across damp  citrus cedar logs
I loosely hold the tips of your fingers with mine
the cold salty spring air keeps me chilled
as the melodic crashing  of waves
and  blanket of stars over our heads
hold us still
in a magnetic field
of love and celestial bodies

my body remembers your body
and how the water was still that night
soft warm winds could not alter
the reflection of an ivory moon wading in the lake
you were warm too
your arms and chest were hot
as if you had been soaking up heat from the sun
like a stone,
or a lizard;
yet the sun was no where to be seen
You must have been warmed by the lust in our dreams
we were half asleep when  restlessness took over your bones
and then your heart
and then your soul
the next morning or many mornings after,
you where gone in the warm winds,
that could not alter your reflection

looking directly
into the depths
of darkness
im suddenly short of breath
wadding through an ocean of black water
looking up to a starless, sunless
sky where no light has visited in a long time
time is gone,
as it can no longer be measured
im wadding through darkness
and
i get claustrophobic in vastness
and it seems like it will go on forever
because i have lost all concept of time

how can i be loved
and still feel this alone
i can't exist
just for you to love me
there needs to be more
to me this darkness
that i have painted over,
to resemble a person

I disintegrate
Again,
At the thought of growing up
growing old
At the thought of
Consequences
Of making love
(you actually do make something)
I fall apart,
At the thought of forever
At the thought of
How many times
The sun will rise
In my forever
How many times
Will you forgive me
How many times
Will you fall inlove with me
again
How many times
Will you fall out of it
How many times
Will i almost give up
How many stars
fit in your always?
I come together
At the thought
Of watching your hands
Age and harden
I come together
At the thought
Of lovers before you,
Forgotten
I look forward to the slow fading
Of life before you
As time passes and I realize
I've  been with you for longer,
Than not
You are the ink
On my polaroid picture
And
Love is the oxygen
That develops it
You are the image
That appears and
Allows me to forget
The blank space that
Was there before
You were that first sip
Of water I drank
before I knew i was dry
And you are
The last drop of water
That leaves me
Wanting more
You are the moment
I realized that looking up
at flickering lights
is just an ocean of
other planets' suns
You are a sun
to a humble planet
that only I find familiar
you are my
very own sun

sometimes i sit in a silence
that feels like darkness
feeling the way it would be
to lose you
re living loss of others
i make myself feel
like i miss you
that i need you
like i forgot to appreciate you
and that you are no longer around
i make myself feel
as if i have done something wrong
again;
in preparation
for
when
i
do

horoscopes,
no longer
align with
our constellations
scholars,
forgot to take into account
a slight shift in celestial bodies
i spend time planning
the rest of our lives
in the moments
that come before sleep
but what if
your celestial body doesn't
line up with my stars
what if you are my Jupiter,
but you want someone else's Mars?

i still wake up
in cold sweats
from a dream
that was set in hell
a dream
that remembers
hell
as it was,
that night
i found the devil
i still
feel the flames of his hands
licking
my skin
my burns
are still there
though
no one wants
to see them anymore
time
does not
heal all wounds
it just allows
for others
to feel more comfortable
and forget them
gasoline
is embedded in my skin
it was sewn in
with thread made of
sin
allowing for
the smallest ember
in the form
of a possible threat
to hold power
that relights
the inferno
even
if i wasn't really
going to
get burned.
my mind
wanders
when
walking home
in darkness
in a small dress
the ground gets hot
as hell creeps in again
i walk faster
as to not burn my feet
and to avoid
the sight of
that same devil
in the pupils
of some other creep

ending up with you
is one of the only things i'm certain of
as each day passes i love you more than the last
and you make the hours go by so fast
drops of love keeping falling into a bucket
that never seems to over flow
as there is always room for more
and i'll always have more to give
you love me even when I'm crazy
you love me even when all the walls are closing in
and all you can do is look through the window
and smile sweetly
you love me even when im angry
and punch you in the arm
with all my might
though luckily my might isn't enough to bring harm
you love me even when i can't love myself
and then you reteach  me how
until i figure it out

there is something to be said
for a sadness you can hear
it is mostly made up
of a lot of sounds lacking
the sound of silence
before you fall asleep
the sound that
you're alive
but forgot how to breathe
there is something to be said
about the sound of giving up
and how you suddenly hear everything
when you've realized you're done
everything all at once
so deafening
you can barely get up

waking      up     to         find
dust  his  atoms  left  behind
catches my breath sometimes.
though  i  can  barely  recall
why      I          was     so    still
when     he     flew     away
and                    disappeared
gone          fo­r             good.
was  it  his  eyes  I  loved?
was  it  the  earnest  way
hetried todo everythingright?
how  is it that I sometimes
miss the smell of his soap
yet I can't remember the acts
of  actually  loving  him?
sometimes I think my soul
has a way of remembering
things        my        mind
has      chosen    to   forget
until     I     fall      asleep
and  my   mind   and  soul
try              to                 meet
and i dream of his eyelashes
and  the  soles   of  his   feet

I can see
the fabric of time
in the speckles of your eyes
I can hear
whispers of the future
in your voice when you hum
I can feel the next 60 years
in the palms of your hands
I can smell it in the nape of your neck

I still wake up in cold sweat
I still dream about you holding both my small wrists in your one hand
I can still hear the tearing of my butterfly print underwear
As you ripped off the last bit of innocence I had.

i would say that I'm happy to have you,
so you can hold me when I'm lost in the dark,
but the truth is,
there is no more darkness,
since I've been with you.


*i guess you were the light i was waiting for

he gets real quiet when he's honest
shallow voice of vulnerable
breathes heavy
and he finally looks up at me
swallows loudly
one
more
time
before he opens his mouth

you write stories with your lips
on  the  tan lines of my hips
I've been missing you
and your dog

liquid love
runs
through my capillaries
and veins
its the blood
that rushes to my face
i go to you
on nights like these
wearing
nothing
but your shirt
so that
my bare skin
can always be near you
my hands
can't breathe
unless they're touching you
and i
can't sleep
unless its beside you

the taste of sea salt
and mint
covered skin
linger
when
i lick my lips
and every time
i whisper your name
to myself
in my sleep
i think love
is the constant
breathing in fragments of you
i think love is
keeping you
like the last chocolate
in the back of my mind
i think love is
taking pictures
i wish you were in
i think love is
your hands fitting
perfectly with mine

you walked along the seawall
with a girl taking photographs
with curly honey dipped hair
and creamy hazelnut eyes
she laughed like wind chimes
she held no bitterness
she laughed with you
the way I used to
before you hurt me
and my laugh
became a heavy yet hollow sound
only present in sarcastic venom
and when you weren't around

i keep imagining the way blood must have drained from your face
when you read that infact yes,
i was dating someone else
you must have starred and the blinking cursor
you must have thought of my naked body
and how you probably wouldn't see it again.
you should know you lost me
when this cold mediocre way of communication
became the norm
when telling big news over encrypted text became O.K.
we became a formality
you left me with a letter of resignation
that I've only just accepted
i screamed for you to feel
but you stayed composed and distant
i adored you
but we were not inlove
you left me wounded yet i remained untouched.

the word love
drunkenly slipped off
the tip of my tongue
it drip dropped
through static on the phone
right after you told me to come home
your end was silent
but i could hear you smiling,
so i came home

and in time
i think i could
i think i would
love you
give me a moment
to slip into you
and feel your soul rub against mine
give me some time
to feel your dreams weave into mine
give me some time to
feel comfortable
letting you down
because sometimes i will
give me time to feel
that'll you still want me
when you find out
I'm not exactly who you thought i'd be
when jealousy
and a lusting for independence
put a strain on  us
when i know that strain
will only weave us tighter
then i will let myself fall in love with you

you whisper lovely things
into my back
as you
kiss down my spine
you tell me you could
write sonnets in my freckles
and keep dreams
in the valley of my backbone
you run your fingers
along my ribs
like a harp
and you thank them
for taking care of my lungs
and of my heart
you mumble,
that my hips
were made for your lips
to perpetually be against them
and somehow
you kiss every
unseen scar
and you see through
my stone walls
as if they were glass

I
wanna
lay
with you
until
time
loses
all meaning

though the blue ice
of your irises
still haunts me
at the most
inconvenient times
i do not long to stare
into them
as i once did
the memory of light
refracting in your blue oceans
have dried up
i no longer feel
like your ocean eyes
will swallow me whole
what ever enchantment
you once had is gone
along with the sound
of your voice
all that is left
is the imperfect memory
of my love for a boy

anyway...
take care of yourself
he sighs
as if somehow
he has a right to feel pain
what does he think I've been doing
for the past year
since the day he got up
and disappeared
he said
don't lose yourself in one night stands
don't drink too much
and leave your cigarettes at home
and i say or what?
you won't want me anymore?
even his eyes grew silent
as mine become slightly violent
you can't tell someone
you once loved
what todo
you can't leave them
and have them too.

i let you in,

again,

i promised myself i wouldn't.

you,

now in the depths of my mind aren't who you used to be

you don't match the memories

we did things that night in a detached lonely way

with the mentality of " for old times sake"

after months static of silence

you say you want me

in a whisper, almost violent

i offer myself to you

as the whiskey warms up my veins

but even now,

i know you won't have me

in the way you really mean

missing the wait for emails never received
missing the memory of your happy tears on my cheeks
missing the impatience
left by your distance
missing the hugs where you'd pick me up
missing the lonely jealousy in the static of the phone
I miss pretending I didn't want you to come home
missing love tears
missing longing tears

you    twist   my   ring   around    my    finger
as you tell me your truths in a molten voice
that seeps right into  my  heart  and  soul.
you    don't   look   me   in   the   eyes
as you  hold back mist that appears
when you talk about your storm.
you play with my hair as  you
whisper painful fragments
into the nape of my neck.
you       are         lovely
even   in   sadness.
..........................
...............
.....
.

you are home,
but i haven't seen you.
I am no longer your home.
and,
you are no longer mine.