the word love
drunkenly slipped off
the tip of my tongue
it drip dropped
through static on the phone
right after you told me to come home
your end was silent
but i could hear you smiling,
so i came home

She woke up with bright lights and a broken heart
she fell asleep dancing and careless,
Last night  she was drunk on your love.

That exquisite pain you crave

when chasing the never obtained

       then you do obtain...

...life seems plain

and without that lovely taste

  that you still crave

Because winning,

ruins the game

I just realized You might deteste me
as much as I hate her...
a very disturbing thought indeed
Sorry,
again .

looking directly
into the depths
of darkness
im suddenly short of breath
wadding through an ocean of black water
looking up to a starless, sunless
sky where no light has visited in a long time
time is gone,
as it can no longer be measured
im wadding through darkness
and
i get claustrophobic in vastness
and it seems like it will go on forever
because i have lost all concept of time

how can i be loved
and still feel this alone
i can't exist
just for you to love me
there needs to be more
to me this darkness
that i have painted over,
to resemble a person

letters and phone calls are not enough to keep me whole.
i need my boy to be in front of me ever muscle every bone.
your shirt is loosing life as the smell of mint  and cheap soap loosens its hold.
i memorized the patterns of your scars, and the shape of your nails for lonely nights i wouldn't being seeing your face.
now it all seems like a made up dream.
being with you has been lonely,
half the time I've been longing for you to hold me.

You complete me,
but I need to complete myself

I should dust off my independence,
that sits on that forgotten shelf

the absence of love
makes me feel  so strong

like i have won back sovereignty
of my willingness to be

the memory of
someone else touching me
frees me from you and morality

Atleast for today.

happiness built on mud and sticks
most days i still crave your kiss
your lips;
oh your lips.

happiness fabricated out of good intention
most days i wonder how i got in this direction
good intentions;
without direction.

my new toy has left me too;
now all i do is think of the two of you;
mostly you.
always you.


(but I fucken hate you.)
and i kinda like him
maybe one day
you'll let me win

sometimes i feel as though we are the same person,
but you are the version that is more refined and more talented and more effortless
we do all the same things,
but you take the time to brew beauty
as i let emotion crash through delicate crystal i once tried to create

you are also darker; more solemn

you have long legs
a slender waist
milky skin
and deep brown eyes
that are serious
thoughtful
and earnest

I provide the imperfection,
the blind confidence
and the willingness
to make mistakes
i provide thick thighs
and a booming laugh
that makes it known we are not here to please

we are a literary device;
two parts of one character
that morphs into one
complex heroine by the end of the folktale

Waving good bye through the glass door, that I fog up with my breath.

Frantically, I rub little peep holes through misted glass to watch you leave more clearly.

The pain in your face is easier to feel when your voice is muffled through the closed door.

" I love you," you mouth to me with wide eyes.

With the palms of my hands against the glass,

I try to make the moment of feeling you last.

But now you have to walk away,

and later get on a plane.

one
You took it from me
You smiled as you thrusted
You said you were drunk

two
You were perfection
I pretended you were *one
Then everything changed

three
  You smoked cigarettes
You listened said I was not alone
I cheated on two

four
You were just a friend
You kept asking if I was okay
You knew I wasn't

five
Blue eyes and shyness
You mended with tender love
Then you left for good

three  
We ****** just to Feel
magic wore off, we were dull
mutual rebounds

six
You were wild and fun
You said I was lovable
I felt whole again


seven
I was much too drunk
Your friends heard us through the walls
I don't regret you

eight
Your scar turned me on
So did your smile and your laugh
You made me feel valued

five 
the goal was small talk
we were drunk on nostalgia
we loved one last time


eight 
You're warmth and patience
eager hands and tender lips
My soul loves Your soul

one
You took it from me
You smiled as you thrusted
You said you were drunk

two
You were perfection
I pretended you were *one
Then everything changed

three
  You smoked cigarettes
You listened said I was not alone
I cheated on two

four
You were just a friend
You kept asking if I was okay
You knew I wasn't

five
Blue eyes and shyness
You mended with tender love
Then you left for good

six
You were wild and fun
You said I was lovable
I felt whole again

seven
I was much too drunk
Your friends heard us through the walls
I don't regret you

eight
Your scar turns me on
So does your smile and your laugh
My soul loves Your soul

Hazel Eyes
with liquid gold,
once flickered glances,
now reckless ghosts,
etched in brail on my skin and bones.

Grey Eyes
  freckled with icy blue,
gazes at me tender,
stares at me hungry,
trying to absorb the sight of me.
Afraid he might lose the likes of me.

heaven has never felt so close
yet some days i miss the melancholy
the  stale taste  of your ghost
i sip tastes of the sweetness he graciously pours past my lips
yet in my sleep when darkness and truth consumes i still see you
like a beacon your ugliness shines through the mist
wholesomely i love him, my love floats up high radiantly
like all love should grow
yet it remains  anchored sturdily  in the warm depths of  my soul
on the nights he's not home
and the disfigured memory of you
leaves a chill  in my bones
i remember how you really were dysfunctional and cold
i remember his love and his radiant soul
and how heaven has never felt so close

i still wake up
in cold sweats
from a dream
that was set in hell
a dream
that remembers
hell
as it was,
that night
i found the devil
i still
feel the flames of his hands
licking
my skin
my burns
are still there
though
no one wants
to see them anymore
time
does not
heal all wounds
it just allows
for others
to feel more comfortable
and forget them
gasoline
is embedded in my skin
it was sewn in
with thread made of
sin
allowing for
the smallest ember
in the form
of a possible threat
to hold power
that relights
the inferno
even
if i wasn't really
going to
get burned.
my mind
wanders
when
walking home
in darkness
in a small dress
the ground gets hot
as hell creeps in again
i walk faster
as to not burn my feet
and to avoid
the sight of
that same devil
in the pupils
of some other creep

She spent so much time running around chasing fragments of memories and feathers of hope,
that she  had forgotten what she was looking for,
and that was home.
Home had been driving around with her for days now,
his tired eyes smiling back when she would glimpse at him with fear,
his hand cupped around hers.
He was her home,
no matter where she had been.
He was her home no matter where she'd go.

a hollowness heavy with pain
nestled in the safety of my ribcage
my walls are thin and fragile
from the constant carving from within
hollow and weightless
as if blown thinly from delicate glass
i wait for these lovely walls
to quietly  collapse

you are home,
but i haven't seen you.
I am no longer your home.
and,
you are no longer mine.

I disintegrate
Again,
At the thought of growing up
growing old
At the thought of
Consequences
Of making love
(you actually do make something)
I fall apart,
At the thought of forever
At the thought of
How many times
The sun will rise
In my forever
How many times
Will you forgive me
How many times
Will you fall inlove with me
again
How many times
Will you fall out of it
How many times
Will i almost give up
How many stars
fit in your always?
I come together
At the thought
Of watching your hands
Age and harden
I come together
At the thought
Of lovers before you,
Forgotten
I look forward to the slow fading
Of life before you
As time passes and I realize
I've  been with you for longer,
Than not
You are the ink
On my polaroid picture
And
Love is the oxygen
That develops it
You are the image
That appears and
Allows me to forget
The blank space that
Was there before
You were that first sip
Of water I drank
before I knew i was dry
And you are
The last drop of water
That leaves me
Wanting more
You are the moment
I realized that looking up
at flickering lights
is just an ocean of
other planets' suns
You are a sun
to a humble planet
that only I find familiar
you are my
very own sun

they took out an ***** that left a scar
like a zipper on your perfect stomach.
I kissed it as i was kissing  down your chest,
and stopped,
to kiss your lips again,
because i remembered you are human,
and that scar meant you aren't as invincible as i thought you were,
and that's an unshakeable thought,
so i kissed your lips to make sure you were still there.

You get so jealous when i dance
yet never bring yourself to take me
(i don't know what you think I'm capable of)
you hate that i drink when you leave
you don't understand
you leave me with bottled up agony
i wish i were perfect like you
so composed and righteous
i wish that judgement was so easy
to slip off my own tongue
and drop into the heart
of the one that i judge
i wish you weren't hurt by me
not being an island like you are
i know you wish i was solemnly far
from every threat to you.
i wish i was the one with the dreams.
and you stayed home yearning for me
i will always be second best
to your very subtle selfish mess
you do  not let yourself feel pain
you avoid it its etched in your face
you fell in love with a girl earnest and real
you can't choose which traits i get
i am not one of you're planned balanced  meals

and in time
i think i could
i think i would
love you
give me a moment
to slip into you
and feel your soul rub against mine
give me some time
to feel your dreams weave into mine
give me some time to
feel comfortable
letting you down
because sometimes i will
give me time to feel
that'll you still want me
when you find out
I'm not exactly who you thought i'd be
when jealousy
and a lusting for independence
put a strain on  us
when i know that strain
will only weave us tighter
then i will let myself fall in love with you

what if,
i had said less
and listened more
what if,
i had accepted you
and showed the way i adored
what if,
my hands were enough to fill yours,
what if,
you had no reason to search for hers

and
I
was
almost back
to being
my normal self

I like getting lost with you,
in the city,
and in your words,
I like wandering streets
in hazy moonlight.
and an urban glow.
i like arriving late with you
because,
we don't care about the pub anyway
i like smiling and sipping on cheap beer
i like brushing my legs against yours,
as we laugh.
i like kissing your new lips
(lips new to me)
i like your smile,
(you smile a lot).
i like your grinning lips
and how they push through when we kiss
i like how you always manage to pull me in close
i like it when your nose
touches my nose
i like how you make me get lost
in you
and in thought
i like how i forget to breathe
when you're real close to me

liquid love
runs
through my capillaries
and veins
its the blood
that rushes to my face
i go to you
on nights like these
wearing
nothing
but your shirt
so that
my bare skin
can always be near you
my hands
can't breathe
unless they're touching you
and i
can't sleep
unless its beside you

I think I'll tell you that we're starting to fuse together,

To fit into each others groves

And into each other's  notches

I think I will let you know that like carved wood,

We fit together.

That you fit with me like my skin fits my body,

Like air fills my lungs.

I'll show you how we fit,

My hand in yours,

My head upon your chest,

Our fingers laced like the the fibres of a basket

Like stars we have  aligned

With our legs evenly intertwined

You elicit my smile and and learn about my silence,

I start to know your far off gaze and understand your shyness.

today you leave our lovely little life we have built from ashes burned from our past.
like a phoenix we rose, we made it our own.
today you leave me, kiss me on the cheek good bye, you are flying away to greater things.
but you see, all i had was you.
your dreams are much too big to have me in them.
mine are mediocre and you make up half of them.
you can have my ashes too, to make you fly higher and farther away.
ill stay, and keep burning.
incase you come back one day.

I look for you in everyone
I have yet to find the curve of your lips
and the angles of your jawline
but some days,
I find the way you walked
or the way you gazed in solemn thought

i lose myself in the arctic oceans of your eyes
i see glaciers floating and melting
i see snow and vastness
as you un fasten my dress
i lose myself in your collar bones
i trace my fingers along the edge and down the *****
along your muscles and hopes
the muscles remind me of roads
that we have yet to travel
and you kiss my neck
i lose myself in your velvet voice
the way it gets husky
when you've had a long day
the way its sweeter than honey
when you ask me to stay
*and  you pull me close.

As I slowly begin to collect the memories of our existence together
the Lovely, the Painful,
       the Hateful,

I'm beginning to see
I loved you in no other way than furiously.

As if I were always on the brink of losing your love
yet also on the brink of having too much.

Always ******* out more
Than retreating when you used words like "Adore"

You had to rip out my heart so finally I could see
There was nothing more terrifying than you loving
and not loving me.

I was so afraid of how much I felt for you
I could not function with a love so true

Now all alone,
Sitting on my pride like a throne

Remembering our mistakes
And your  horribly beautiful face

i keep imagining the way blood must have drained from your face
when you read that infact yes,
i was dating someone else
you must have starred and the blinking cursor
you must have thought of my naked body
and how you probably wouldn't see it again.
you should know you lost me
when this cold mediocre way of communication
became the norm
when telling big news over encrypted text became O.K.
we became a formality
you left me with a letter of resignation
that I've only just accepted
i screamed for you to feel
but you stayed composed and distant
i adored you
but we were not inlove
you left me wounded yet i remained untouched.