I  Want You
                    slowly
                    mostly
          ­          solely
                    only

*i want you..

candy hearts and love songs
seem  bitter
this dreary winter day does not look like love
february 14th does not fix everything
but it does remind me to be patient
and to try to be sweetness
and to be a little more forgiving
this is not the Valentine you wanted
but it is the one I have to give
it's me trying for you
trying to be softer
this valentine is not just a gift for a snowy Wednesday
it is a testament to three years together
and this Valentine also shows that the fourth valentines day together does not have to be the best
we just have to try
for candy hearts and love songs
to feel the way they used to

I'm half asleep,
and you pull me
onto your lap
where i curl up
and fit perfectly
a muddled ball
of satisfaction
and certainty

my legs stir and my arms are more chilled as they grow accustomed to the absence of you

amor es todo
amor es sufieciente
amor es triste, y feo, y duele
pero amor siente
amor es todo
y amor es suficiente

In the end all  have are your own two feet grounded in the earth guiding you to where only you can be

All you have are your own two arms to pick you up again when you fall and carry you through the dark

All you have is the company of your own vibrant and beautiful soul, that's where you will learn to  find a home.

do you feel me at all
do you feel my hands around your throat
tightening slowly
do you feel my nails on your leg
cutting you slowly
do you feel my heart beating in your hand
dying slowly

i am not
okay,
i love you more
than i remembered
i regret every moment
i sulked instead of enjoying you
i am punishing
myself for every opportunity
i gave up
to look at  you
or tell you i loved you
  or kiss tears from your face

like the northern wind,
a strong wander lust
i leave a trail of magic seeds
i leave a trail of dust

longingly,
you stand at the door way
indignant hands cupped
you've collected all the seeds
but you've lost all the dust

******* for loving me and leaving me anyway
******* for bettering me and being good on your own
******* for needing me less than I need you
******* for having dreams that aren't me
*******'re talent
*******'re bigger picture
*******'re I'm hurting too
******* for being the best thing in my life and then leaving like they always have and always will.

I,
a casualty,
          of the absence of your love
                              of a war with no cause
                                       of a memory now lost

he is a keeper
who doesn't want to be
                                        kept.

My ego is bruised,
no.
I will
not
open up.
not to you.

Love drifts
like a stream of water it can gradually and quietly ware out a new path off course if you don't pay attention to it
small adjustments over time accomulate
small stones  around my heart  
that took up space you left
grew into piles and then pyramids
in that space he also slipped in,
or the idea of him
the idea of being loved the way i needed
the way i needed brought me down a stream i didnt except and i made a mistake,
i left too much space between the stones
But as always you have the patience and strength of those tall pines we saw in Washington
and your loving hands warm the stones around my heart and slowly unpack the pyramids into piles, and the piles into just a handful where the idea of him has slipped away
as you take back the space you had left
and love streams make their way back to you

thunder echoes in  concrete coloured clouds as  flumes of steam  leave my lips
the earths new position has brought autumn light that leaves trees glowing
sound is more muted as it is dampened by layers of leaves on the ground
the nature things are sleepy

i wrote to you,
not here,
not in poetry,
not in private,
but to you,
the real you,
and you won't answer,
and i'm dying,
and you would never answer,
because you turned me off like a switch,
i'm dead to you,
and I'm dying,
you are killing me,
you are killing me
and I love you

these impractical,
these selfish tears,
could fill
                                          a
                                                    small
      ­                                                    
            ­                                                 o ce an

one
You took it from me
You smiled as you thrusted
You said you were drunk

two
You were perfection
I pretended you were one
Then everything changed

three
  You smoked cigarettes
You listened said I was not alone
I cheated on two

four
You were just a friend
You kept asking if I was okay
You knew I wasn't

five
Blue eyes and shyness
You mended with tender love
We were meant to be

six
We needed fixing
You were from the golden coast
We drank honey ale

seven
You were a long lost friend
That still tastes like cigarettes
You were cold and rough

eight*
You love holding my hand
We've waited so long for this
We fit in each others groves

and this storm too,
reminded me of you.
wind howling
reign of darkness
turmoil left behind
as the sun finally rises

but,
you were my storm.

I have no one,
To remind me how I feel
After I drink peach schnapps

It's meant to be you

Depression:*
an impression,
       on your soul
Left by something horrible