you are nothing,
but a mirage at this point
you've                 evaporated
from the earth of my dreams to
make       images    of      love  
when I'm dying of thirst
for  your  touch
youaremeanttobehere
in my bed in my arms
you are meant to be in my life
though I'm not meant to be in yours
how  can  the  universe  be so  cruel
to  line  up  my   stars   with   yours
butlineupyourswithsomeoneelse's?
Most days i wake up and still
expect you to be next to me
or i expect to find a note saying
you've  gone  for  a  morning  ride
mostdaysIwakeupthinkingyouloveme
it takes me a few moments to wake up
and            realize          you         don't
i half expect you to write to me
and tell me about your day
(i fully expect you to write to me)
i refresh my inbox in a very lonely way
and    it   apologetically   comes    back
empty                   each                    time
it can see the emptiness in my eyes

you    twist   my   ring   around    my    finger
as you tell me your truths in a molten voice
that seeps right into  my  heart  and  soul.
you    don't   look   me   in   the   eyes
as you  hold back mist that appears
when you talk about your storm.
you play with my hair as  you
whisper painful fragments
into the nape of my neck.
you       are         lovely
even   in   sadness.
..........................
...............
.....
.

the word love
drunkenly slipped off
the tip of my tongue
it drip dropped
through static on the phone
right after you told me to come home
your end was silent
but i could hear you smiling,
so i came home

one
You took it from me
You smiled as you thrusted
You said you were drunk

two
You were perfection
I pretended you were *one
Then everything changed

three
  You smoked cigarettes
You listened said I was not alone
I cheated on two

four
You were just a friend
You kept asking if I was okay
You knew I wasn't

five
Blue eyes and shyness
You mended with tender love
Then you left for good

six
You were wild and fun
You said I was lovable
I felt whole again

seven
I was much too drunk
Your friends heard us through the walls
I don't regret you

eight
Your scar turns me on
So does your smile and your laugh
My soul loves Your soul

My hands are fidgeting as I think of you.
My palms are sweating just thinking of your name.
I miss you too much for it to be sane.
Hollow are my insides,
as my smile subsides.
Because I can't hide the truth,
I love you,
and I can't figure out why,
no tears left to cry.
No matter how tightly I hold myself together,
the pieces of me keep falling apart.

I try to wash
the longing off
my skin
I  scrub
myself raw
I sit in the shower
I let the water run
down my face
Until I can barely
breathe
I give my watering eyes a break
I let the shower cry for me
The lack of breath
gives me comfort
I can stop
breathing in
the glass shards
of your memory
I can stop
breathing in
the lead
your void
provides me

All I hear in your voice
is an echo of your true self bouncing
within this new hardened mask you call your face.
You call me just to say you are keeping your  distance,
you seem to be convincing yourself as the static thickens.
You want to know more of me,
but the truth would hurt you
even though you were the one who left me begging at the airport.
I can't tell you I have felt the very lips you dreaded for so long
I can't tell you that I've stopped thinking about you
every night I fall asleep,
because I fall asleep in his arms.

But,
i wanted my children
to have your hazel eyes.

words pour out bitter they cut into your skin
my poison leaks into you and hurts you
as i became absorbed again by the ugliness within
i throw smooth stones at my refection
hoping one day the ripples
they make will turn me into someone else.
as the water settles i gaze into my own disgusted eyes
see my wretched body the flaws they don't lie.
you say you can't take my bitterness
you are tired of my sickness
you say you wish i saw what you see
then you leave.
i sit at the edge,
with my toes in the pond left alone
with my reflection looking into the eyes
that hate what they see as much as i do.

my body remembers your body
and how the water was still that night
soft warm winds could not alter
the reflection of an ivory moon wading in the lake
you were warm too
your arms and chest were hot
as if you had been soaking up heat from the sun
like a stone,
or a lizard;
yet the sun was no where to be seen
You must have been warmed by the lust in our dreams
we were half asleep when  restlessness took over your bones
and then your heart
and then your soul
the next morning or many mornings after,
you where gone in the warm winds,
that could not alter your reflection

on  autumn days
that you
are cold,
you give me
your coat
because,
you have always
put me
before
yourself

I
will
miss you
in a happy,
fruitful kind of way
because eventually,
you will come back to me,
and our fruit will mature
and be ever so sweet
on your return

I
wanna
lay
with you
until
time
loses
all meaning

I have to much time on my hands
thoughts of doubt flicker in and out
as I sit here alone
and the silence lets me finally hear the
pessimistic whispers of my own heart.
My mind and heart team up against me and
commit treason to my holistic well being.
"He's safe", I whisper back weakly
"I'm numb and he is safe."
I get up, rustle paper and clank tea kettles
and never sit in silence again.

liquid love
runs
through my capillaries
and veins
its the blood
that rushes to my face
i go to you
on nights like these
wearing
nothing
but your shirt
so that
my bare skin
can always be near you
my hands
can't breathe
unless they're touching you
and i
can't sleep
unless its beside you

Will you still want me
After I kiss the haze of cigarettes off your skin
Will you still think I'm pretty
When I show you the scripture of  my sins
Will you still like me
If I give you what you've wanted for so long
I hate that still, I dance to this ancient song

i can't even train downtown because it all belonged to us
every coffee shop,
every parking lot,
every concrete ledge we could sit on,
every pretty view.
we exploited and used.
it all belongs to what we used to be
and i can't even bring myself to do errands
because i can't set foot in the half of town where you told me
you loved me,
where we laughed
and you told me;
you said you would hold me --
when things got rough
.
.
.
we christened it with us
and tainted it with love.

I like you
although you leave soon
i will miss you
i will think of you
as we gaze at the same moon
upon you return
i will adorn
you with neck kisses
i will adore
and get whom i've been missing

Chilled winds chime through trees
as dim autumn light meets dew
and crimson leaves glow

still a slave to your memory,
though i have quasi-healed
i have found sanction in him
in a love that is real
you,
ball and chain on my broken heart
he,
the thread that has sewn the two parts.
I will love both of you,
one willingly,
one not.
until the day comes
that you've finally gone

its been three months
since you've left me
and
still,
i would
drop everything,
and
love you
if you let me

it was not a painful love
it was not an unpredictable, anxious love
she had never felt so wholesomely good
so purely happy
she had never loved so intrinsically well.
so balanced
she had loved this much before,
but she was loving in all the wrong ways.
before she lost herself in love
now she finds herself in it.

you are home,
but i haven't seen you.
I am no longer your home.
and,
you are no longer mine.

and
I
was
almost back
to being
my normal self

they took out an ***** that left a scar
like a zipper on your perfect stomach.
I kissed it as i was kissing  down your chest,
and stopped,
to kiss your lips again,
because i remembered you are human,
and that scar meant you aren't as invincible as i thought you were,
and that's an unshakeable thought,
so i kissed your lips to make sure you were still there.

most nights i sleep on the side that isn't mine,
because when you used to share a bed with me you would insist on stealing my spot.
i feel as if your arms are always about to grab on to my waist,
i stay on this side to feel you like i once did,
even though i can never sleep,
because its not my side of the bed.

stay, hold my cold hands,
in your always warm ones
stay, in this everlasting rain,
i'll keep you company
stay, hold my worn helpless heart,
it gets so tired when we're apart
stay, for me
stay, for me

*please?

I had a dream today
About someone new
In that dream I was touching
someone other than you

Waving good bye through the glass door, that I fog up with my breath.

Frantically, I rub little peep holes through misted glass to watch you leave more clearly.

The pain in your face is easier to feel when your voice is muffled through the closed door.

" I love you," you mouth to me with wide eyes.

With the palms of my hands against the glass,

I try to make the moment of feeling you last.

But now you have to walk away,

and later get on a plane.

there is something to be said
for a sadness you can hear
it is mostly made up
of a lot of sounds lacking
the sound of silence
before you fall asleep
the sound that
you're alive
but forgot how to breathe
there is something to be said
about the sound of giving up
and how you suddenly hear everything
when you've realized you're done
everything all at once
so deafening
you can barely get up