ending up with you
is one of the only things i'm certain of
as each day passes i love you more than the last
and you make the hours go by so fast
drops of love keeping falling into a bucket
that never seems to over flow
as there is always room for more
and i'll always have more to give
you love me even when I'm crazy
you love me even when all the walls are closing in
and all you can do is look through the window
and smile sweetly
you love me even when im angry
and punch you in the arm
with all my might
though luckily my might isn't enough to bring harm
you love me even when i can't love myself
and then you reteach  me how
until i figure it out

do not confuse rage for emotion
our EmoTions are in check as
we calculate and
devise a plan to
proverbially
and literally
peal
your
hands off our *****
do not confuse a women's tears for fragility,
for her tears are full of pain and anger and the future,
that does not need to include you
you were not considered in the plans of the matriarch,
not out of hate
but simply because you are unimportant
do not confuse her hips for beauty,
those hips are waterways to life  
that you have no right  to even
lay your weak eyes open
you cannot make the calls
do not confuse
losing to being lost
losing lives
losing songs
and
voices
and
laughter
and
our bodies

and POWER

does not mean that this ocean
of strong woMYN are lost
We  have always been found
and we will too,
overcome the darkness in you.

i still wake up
in cold sweats
from a dream
that was set in hell
a dream
that remembers
hell
as it was,
that night
i found the devil
i still
feel the flames of his hands
licking
my skin
my burns
are still there
though
no one wants
to see them anymore
time
does not
heal all wounds
it just allows
for others
to feel more comfortable
and forget them
gasoline
is embedded in my skin
it was sewn in
with thread made of
sin
allowing for
the smallest ember
in the form
of a possible threat
to hold power
that relights
the inferno
even
if i wasn't really
going to
get burned.
my mind
wanders
when
walking home
in darkness
in a small dress
the ground gets hot
as hell creeps in again
i walk faster
as to not burn my feet
and to avoid
the sight of
that same devil
in the pupils
of some other creep

i let you in,

again,

i promised myself i wouldn't.

you,

now in the depths of my mind aren't who you used to be

you don't match the memories

we did things that night in a detached lonely way

with the mentality of " for old times sake"

after months static of silence

you say you want me

in a whisper, almost violent

i offer myself to you

as the whiskey warms up my veins

but even now,

i know you won't have me

in the way you really mean

I compare myself
to a military wife
because i too
did not sign up for this
the only way i can deal
with you choosing
something over me
is be putting you
on an untouchable
pedestal
and pretending
you are doing this
for another cause
other than yourself
you are not fighting
you are not honourable
the only war you are fighting
is with yourself
the only thing you are sacrificing
is me
and that doesn't seem
to be a sacrifice at all
I apologize to anyone
who actually is loved
by someone who
left them
for the greater good
I'm sorry,
because
your bond
should never be misunderstood

with my eyes wide shut,
and my mouth locked open,
try and tell me what its like to be broken
pain like a fire, yet detached and frozen
they say its my fault,
the life i've chosen
drowning yet parched,
this longing is tearing me apart
and i never chose to love you

In pain,
We both lounged for the throat
In vain,
it was us who lost the most
I'm sorry for letting my weakness melt me into the mold
of a teenage *****
Ever day my happiness,
Leaves a a taste of bitterness
I can't quite clear from my tongue
nor the separate segments of taste buds

But as you already know I am selfish
And will keep using the cards I've been dealt with

I have been broken and now I am crooked
I drink happiness like it will soon be diluted

I am sorry
But really I'm not
You've been stepping on my face and my dreams
for far too long.

Yes you felt you owned
And yes you felt everyone owed!
but he was never yours to keep,
And I will never owe you for any deed.

you, my Pale Blue Eyes
you, sweet tender company
you,  Sun to my Moon

spread so thinly,
you could see through her.
transparency, made her weak
she wore her heart on her sleeve.
she breathed you in like stardust and dreams.
you left her suffocating, and cheap.

The loyal the lovely will always be left
Lovers like leaving the once lonely making them only more lonely then before.
My lovers love and then leave
Why am I so easily left?
There must be too much longing in my loving gaze
There must be too much lonesome in my lonely face.
Must be why the love I find always strays away.

he made love to me without knowing me,
he kissed my ******* as if he had never seen
anything so beautiful.
he kept muttering,
" I can't believe this is happening".
he kissed my eyelids
and my lips,
he let me stutter about how long it had been.
he stopped
and laughed with me,
when we heard voices
outside of the hostel room.
he cooed foreign  loving words
in an australian tongue.
a mix of old english and indigenous
though he wouldn't want to admit it
he made me feel like i was enough
and that i owed him nothing,
he made me feel like i was perfect
on my own,
that i didn't need you
to be a good person.
he doesn't know you,
so he doesn't know you
are a missing part of me
so maybe you
aren't anymore

we sat naked
wrapped up in a sheet,
sitting on the sill of a window.
we watched the night turn into
morning and people
alone and cold
on the dimly lit streets
and he kissed my check
when
he told he had someone,
like i had you
and that he finally
felt like himself too.
we left and drank dark beer,
the woman said it would
cure his flushed face
her words made
made it worse
we walked the quiet sleepy streets,
holding hands in his coat pocket.
the next day he flew away
like you did
but he made me feel whole
and like i could be
on my own
instead of the way
you make me feel empty
and useless

falling in love again
though this time it does feel more graceful
not quite so fatal
is love still love, when it does not hurt?
my heart is damaged goods,
i dont remember how its supposed to work.

you let your body go  heavy,
limp,  
you are draped over me.
your broad shoulders slightly rise and fall to the rhythm of your breath
bare skin to bare skin
the minuscule space between our sillouettes
radiates heat and energy
the moonlight shines in through the window
just enough to see the freckles sprinkled on your back
the sheets are tangled
at the tips of our toes
my little toes
and your larger ones
i drift in and out of sleep
each time remembering that i have you
and my lungs fill with satisfaction
and peace
you are slightly too heavy for me to sleep deeply
but i  never want the weight of you to leave my frame

I just realized You might deteste me
as much as I hate her...
a very disturbing thought indeed
Sorry,
again .

you whisper lovely things
into my back
as you
kiss down my spine
you tell me you could
write sonnets in my freckles
and keep dreams
in the valley of my backbone
you run your fingers
along my ribs
like a harp
and you thank them
for taking care of my lungs
and of my heart
you mumble,
that my hips
were made for your lips
to perpetually be against them
and somehow
you kiss every
unseen scar
and you see through
my stone walls
as if they were glass

and in time
i think i could
i think i would
love you
give me a moment
to slip into you
and feel your soul rub against mine
give me some time
to feel your dreams weave into mine
give me some time to
feel comfortable
letting you down
because sometimes i will
give me time to feel
that'll you still want me
when you find out
I'm not exactly who you thought i'd be
when jealousy
and a lusting for independence
put a strain on  us
when i know that strain
will only weave us tighter
then i will let myself fall in love with you

quiero amar
quiero querer felicidad
quiero sentir
por favor ,ya no quiero sufrir

You are beautifully broken
The words that are spoken, in my mind
The words that you speak
They fall shattered through your teeth
The way you stare, the hollow look in your eyes
Makes the fact I'm your everything
no surprise
The way your hands shake
when you don't get your way
The way that you lie
When i ask if you'd cried --

You are majestically mangled
The voices in your head are endlessly tangled
I know its because your young soul has been strangled
over
      and
             over
                       again.
I know its because being let down
has been your most faithful friend
I know its because of the memories that keep you awake
that your afraid i wont want to stay
I know its because you've been broken and fixed
in all the wrong ways
You're a broken leg healed badly
Fallen victim to hockey skates

sometimes i hope you feel the same
and I'm not writing about love in vain
do you feel as deeply as i do?
i suppose if you did i'd still have you
do you feel love, happiness and pain?
i suppose you do,
just not for me.
i feel like more often than not,
love is unidirectional,
and for that sadistic reason,
mine does not cease to grow for you.
most of my love,
has been  a longing
kind of love.
a lonely
kind of love.

you taught her what love was,
then left,
she would  never be the same again


                               *s.v

Still I ache,
Its been four months since our last date.
Images of your face,
Still run through my mind most days.
I remember you in my shower,
I remember you in my chair,
I remember you half naked taking up space
And breathing my air.
I remember you kissing my nose with smiling lips,
I remember you placing entitled hands on the curve of my hips.
Okay maybe four months ago we weren't so good,
But how about the twelve before those? or the other sixteen before those?
Do you ever, find yourself remembering me?
Do you remember me smiling as I kissed your cheek?
Still I ache,
And its been four months since I've seen your face.

I disintegrate
Again,
At the thought of growing up
growing old
At the thought of
Consequences
Of making love
(you actually do make something)
I fall apart,
At the thought of forever
At the thought of
How many times
The sun will rise
In my forever
How many times
Will you forgive me
How many times
Will you fall inlove with me
again
How many times
Will you fall out of it
How many times
Will i almost give up
How many stars
fit in your always?
I come together
At the thought
Of watching your hands
Age and harden
I come together
At the thought
Of lovers before you,
Forgotten
I look forward to the slow fading
Of life before you
As time passes and I realize
I've  been with you for longer,
Than not
You are the ink
On my polaroid picture
And
Love is the oxygen
That develops it
You are the image
That appears and
Allows me to forget
The blank space that
Was there before
You were that first sip
Of water I drank
before I knew i was dry
And you are
The last drop of water
That leaves me
Wanting more
You are the moment
I realized that looking up
at flickering lights
is just an ocean of
other planets' suns
You are a sun
to a humble planet
that only I find familiar
you are my
very own sun

a hollowness heavy with pain
nestled in the safety of my ribcage
my walls are thin and fragile
from the constant carving from within
hollow and weightless
as if blown thinly from delicate glass
i wait for these lovely walls
to quietly  collapse

your smile is ******* amazing.
but so is the solemn look you get when you stare at my lips
and so is the one you get when you run your hands slowly down my hips
you are a beautiful person.
you love your dog more than most people can love each other
you drive me at midnight in the middle of the winter to get tacos and have a picnic
When you kiss me, eyes closed
I feel your light seep into my bones
its the closest thing to heaven I've ever known

you write stories with your lips
on  the  tan lines of my hips
I've been missing you
and your dog

That exquisite pain you crave

when chasing the never obtained

       then you do obtain...

...life seems plain

and without that lovely taste

  that you still crave

Because winning,

ruins the game

a lump in my throat grows
as the distance between our hips widens
my hands begin to shake as
i lose the taste of your lips
i gain pounds to fill
the void of your silence
i don't want myself either Aid,
i fall apart
as your dreams come together
the ugliness inside
comes to the surface of my honest skin
no more forever and evers
no more kisses to cover my sins

laying across damp  citrus cedar logs
I loosely hold the tips of your fingers with mine
the cold salty spring air keeps me chilled
as the melodic crashing  of waves
and  blanket of stars over our heads
hold us still
in a magnetic field
of love and celestial bodies

it's no coincide that the lines of your lips lock perfectly on the lines of mine
that the nape of my neck was made for your chin to rest in
that the small of my back leaves a gab between me and the bed for your arm to slide under
its no accident that my fingers fit between yours like they remembered them,
the very  first time they held them.

letters and phone calls are not enough to keep me whole.
i need my boy to be in front of me ever muscle every bone.
your shirt is loosing life as the smell of mint  and cheap soap loosens its hold.
i memorized the patterns of your scars, and the shape of your nails for lonely nights i wouldn't being seeing your face.
now it all seems like a made up dream.
being with you has been lonely,
half the time I've been longing for you to hold me.

heaven has never felt so close
yet some days i miss the melancholy
the  stale taste  of your ghost
i sip tastes of the sweetness he graciously pours past my lips
yet in my sleep when darkness and truth consumes i still see you
like a beacon your ugliness shines through the mist
wholesomely i love him, my love floats up high radiantly
like all love should grow
yet it remains  anchored sturdily  in the warm depths of  my soul
on the nights he's not home
and the disfigured memory of you
leaves a chill  in my bones
i remember how you really were dysfunctional and cold
i remember his love and his radiant soul
and how heaven has never felt so close

I went to bed thinking of you
I woke up dreaming of you
I breathed in fragments of your soul
a long time ago,
Before I knew what they were made of;
Before I knew what they would make of;
Me.
Days fall into nights
Nights crawl into days
and a still crave the feeling of your face;
Against;
Mine.
I miss you...
in the kind of way people don't like to admit
You're the memory of a bottle to subtly trembling lips

I like getting lost with you,
in the city,
and in your words,
I like wandering streets
in hazy moonlight.
and an urban glow.
i like arriving late with you
because,
we don't care about the pub anyway
i like smiling and sipping on cheap beer
i like brushing my legs against yours,
as we laugh.
i like kissing your new lips
(lips new to me)
i like your smile,
(you smile a lot).
i like your grinning lips
and how they push through when we kiss
i like how you always manage to pull me in close
i like it when your nose
touches my nose
i like how you make me get lost
in you
and in thought
i like how i forget to breathe
when you're real close to me