brunette
and big *****
thick thighs
were my fault
wide hips since childhood
always been told to "smile good"
"*** like a peach"
"you walk like a tease"

people like touching peaches
and pretty things
without permission
because thick thighs
were my fault
and i have no permission to give
wide hips since childhood
you should have learned by now,
how to smile good.

you are a cluster of stars
you are too great to touch
but as i lay in warm grass
and gaze up
i could never feel alone
i find comfort in your darkness
this starry night is my home

The wet pavement glistens with the light of the lamp posts as mist swallows my frail body.
No one is around to see the red dark velvet growing around me.
No one can hear the shallow breaths I try so hard to maintain.
All he wanted was my purse, why did I scream?
Laying here my mind is full of images rapidly shooting through in fireworks; incoherent fragments
An overwhelmingly insane mix of
Smells--rust, daisies and raspberry pie, His cologne
Music-- the Beatles, rap and opera
Colours-- peach, aqua, and grapefruit pink,
Voices---His, my mother’s, my dog’s
Memories- I can see myself falling off a bike, giving a speech in front of my junior high school
Dreams-- I’m flying over my town and walking underwater
And my hypothetical future- my husband and beautiful laughing babies with bronze ringlets and hazel eyes
All this compressed into the few moments I have left.
Moments, so many moments in life that I’ve wasted missed and wanted.
Moments are now so literal they become minutes“My life has seconds left now”, I say as I take my very last breath and it all slips away.

Going through the motions of making love
making nothing and feeling undone
Sitting hunched over at the edge of his bed
I'd never admit it but sometimes,
I'd like to be held instead
I've never known the feeling
Of that little spoon
The one that sits in the grooves
Of the other larger half moon
He brings my train of thought to an ugly end
He mutters, " get off the bed, its time to get dressed. "
I leave the room thinking about half moons
And how sometimes even little spoons get used

the way you answer my words in a monotone autopilot
I-have-enough-words-in-my-own-head-what makes-you-think-I-want-to-hear-yours-instead
kind of voice, ruins my day.

the way you say, don't touch my stuff it all has a place, in this haste that make me want to break- in half.
or in quarters.
ruins my day.

the way you look right through my new dress,
past my eyes,
past even my thighs
to something i can never see
usually way past behind me.
ruins my day

the way you forget to talk to me
for six days
ruins my day(s)

You are the smoke I never want to slip away through my fingers
I do my best to hold on to you and your half sewn soul
The beautiful scars embracing your heart
The darkness that has made you tired
The darkness that ignites little fires

 You are the smoke I never want to slip away through my fingers
Because you stay up with me for hours
You tell me it’s alright when I make mistakes
And that I cannot always have my way
 
You are the smoke I never want to slip away through my fingers
Because you are real and you are raw
And not always strong
You take care of my smile
Keep my feet on the ground
You extract feelings from me,
I thought would never be found
The ones I didn’t know existed
Your hands are my future
Your eyes are my dreams

We miss the movie and drive home from the theatre.  Curl up even though it's much too hot out to be this close. The fan drones on, trying to blow the hair off my shinny face. You play with my fingers as you recite the next line in Jurassic Park I tell you not to ruin it, though I know the words too. You smile and kiss my closed mouth until it opens.  I tell you I didn't realize that I missed you this much, and that we've had a dormant kind of love.

i held it  delicately in my naive unworn hands, why did you rip it from me? why did you insist on making my gift, yours? it wasn't supposed to be under you're belt it was never meant to be one of your badges. from the day you said i had nice eyes, i knew i didn't want to give it to you. but i was naive, i wanted fun. i should have asked you what colour they were before i got into your car- my eyes i mean. i bet you would have said brown, well they're hazel thats what everybody whose ever like me has said, and if i had asked that very moment i wouldn't have gotten into your car, i wouldn't  have cried myself to sleep that night, or the 100 that followed. i should have known i was worth more than you ever gave me credit for.
2 years later your name still makes me want to *****. i don't hate you, i would have had to love you first and i never did.

Darling,
         You are the Ocean,
                           and I and am drowning .
                                                                         .  .

i saw the future you, 10 years from now
holding a baby boy and tickling him in the pool
i kept glancing at this stranger with love glossed over my eyes
because i want to know you in 10 years
i want to go to the pool with you and play with a baby boy
i want to grow old with you
i don't need anyone else ever again

When the memory of you becomes a bit too fond,
a bit too strong,
When the hollow space in my heart makes its walls a bit too thin,
a bit too singed
my hands clasp together,
as if,
one were yours.

Just like those desperate baby elephants that get left behind,
and comfort their loneliness by holding there tails with their trunks,
As if it were enough.
As if it felt like being loved.

If  I could I would drip all your pain into a flask

I would drink it so the pain in you wouldn't last

I'd rather the pain pass through my lips

than see you the way you lay here limp

my darling if I could drink your pain

I'd even shoot it through my veins

anything to keep you safe

and did you hear me?
i called your name in my sleep
i tasted you on the tip of  my tongue when i woke

one misconstrued word  slips,

from his naive yet wise lips

she can feel  hell's heat upon her face

 her  blood pressure rises at a horrible pace,

boiling now;

she wants to be loved but has never known how

heart beats wildly

unsteadily;

she  trembles in a kind of pain

that cannot be pitied or explained

she opens her mouth to scream

but her raw lips can hardly breathe

too consumed in this fury to move

has lost all things to prove

she just sits there,

hunched into an emotionless ball

jaw and fists clenched

knuckles white

her tired neck tight

who ever takes the useless victory

will come home to an empty bed

both will loose it in the end

both will lose a lover,

and a friend

A poem is a tangle of lines
A poem is a tangle of lives
      
     intertwined
    interconnected

A poem is a biography of emotion
A poem is what cannot be spoken
A poem is hearts secretly broken

A poem is falling in and out of love
A poem is taking a train just because
A Poem is a textual tease
going over the what if's and maybes

Its asking yourself what if time slowed down

Its wondering why you always start to drown
     when things were just getting good

A poem is refusing yo talk about the weather
Its not not letting you avoid the elephant in the room

Its making you look into my eyes,
demanding the truth

I miss
being one with you
I miss
intimacy,
and
being held
I miss
making love,
I miss
your smell

i will love you,
    until i learn to love myself

Maybe in another life we would be together

Maybe in another life i would be an elegant long limbed women

with ebony skin

you, would be an english man with a slight build

i would have the ability to love you back with out inhibitions

or with out the right thing todo  always stepping in my way

Maybe in another life i could hold on to you without breathing in the guilt so thickly

Maybe in another life i could feel you without thinking about (how i should be) feeling  him

in another life you would be him

but in this life

you deserve something better than me

Your lips are the ripest plum;
that I cant keep myself from bitting

The ridge of your nose is the loveliest curve;
that I cant keep from tracing

Your eyes are a deep arctic ocean;
I can't keep myself from falling  into

oh how hard it is;
to resist
the delectable sweetness
of your tender kiss

Your body's the Earth,
mine's the Moon,
I can't help making love to you

Like I would a broken winged bird I will nurture our love until its pureness surpasses the venom of past serpent(s).
I will run to you passed the hurtle that broke my ankle the first time.
I will rhyme for you enough times to make up for poems made for my past.
I will love you in all the right ways, I will not leave room for the future discovery of old mistakes.
Oh my dear, how I will love you.

awkward  angles in your car,
tonight we didn’t seem to drive too far
foggy glass
and awkward eyes meet
shoulder checks
in your backseat
ruined new upholstery
finally you seem to be through with my harlotry
i shimmy on what i believe to be mine
the car is in gear,
we sit in silence for the duration of the ride

so much unhappiness in this small frame
so much heaviness in delicate veins
so much darkness behind wide eyes
smiling pink lips; her only disguise

i am vain
     and,
                   explosive

i am  jealous
      and,
                      insecure.

Naps,
And neck kisses.
Sleepy warmth.
Your hand brushes away curls
That my hand misses.
Watching lazy movies,
Being held in your content arms
You Breathe in my hair.
You mumble,
  it smells tropical,
And much too good.
You say,
I'd keep you here forever,
If I could.

You won't find me where you left me,
Huddled in the cold. No when you return you won't find me at all. I have shed the skin you once knew, like a snake I left old memories and layers where you last loved me. Where you last saw me. Like a snake you disappeared into the cool shade of stones as to not feel the wrath of our burning home. Our  home you let it burn down and become the kind of ash no phoenix  could ever rise from. Because what you left was venom.

when the day arrives that the venom you spit doesn't get absorbed by your lover and turned into honey, you know its done
when it reflects back at you with more power and velocity, you know its over
when the love for your angry, once ****, fire turns into empty eyes after the smoke clears , you know you ****** it up,
real good
just like you wanted  to
melancholy is your only  true friend
bathing in loneliness is your way
it's what you deserve
thats how it should stay

I keep dreaming
of people who leave me
I even wonder
in times of deep slumber,

where I went wrong.