today you leave our lovely little life we have built from ashes burned from our past.
like a phoenix we rose, we made it our own.
today you leave me, kiss me on the cheek good bye, you are flying away to greater things.
but you see, all i had was you.
your dreams are much too big to have me in them.
mine are mediocre and you make up half of them.
you can have my ashes too, to make you fly higher and farther away.
ill stay, and keep burning.
incase you come back one day.

it's no coincide that the lines of your lips lock perfectly on the lines of mine
that the nape of my neck was made for your chin to rest in
that the small of my back leaves a gab between me and the bed for your arm to slide under
its no accident that my fingers fit between yours like they remembered them,
the very  first time they held them.

letters and phone calls are not enough to keep me whole.
i need my boy to be in front of me ever muscle every bone.
your shirt is loosing life as the smell of mint  and cheap soap loosens its hold.
i memorized the patterns of your scars, and the shape of your nails for lonely nights i wouldn't being seeing your face.
now it all seems like a made up dream.
being with you has been lonely,
half the time I've been longing for you to hold me.

quietly falling apart
the most renowned form of art  .
i muffle  my sadness so you won't hear through the phone
a piece of me breaks each time you change the date you come  home  .
my life slow weaves around you, adjusts to your dreams
while your life lets the dandelions grow over my needs  .

words pour out bitter they cut into your skin
my poison leaks into you and hurts you
as i became absorbed again by the ugliness within
i throw smooth stones at my refection
hoping one day the ripples
they make will turn me into someone else.
as the water settles i gaze into my own disgusted eyes
see my wretched body the flaws they don't lie.
you say you can't take my bitterness
you are tired of my sickness
you say you wish i saw what you see
then you leave.
i sit at the edge,
with my toes in the pond left alone
with my reflection looking into the eyes
that hate what they see as much as i do.

i took you.
brand new
unused
naive
and unbruised.
you took me.
broken
experienced
sinful
and confused.

i lose myself in the arctic oceans of your eyes
i see glaciers floating and melting
i see snow and vastness
as you un fasten my dress
i lose myself in your collar bones
i trace my fingers along the edge and down the *****
along your muscles and hopes
the muscles remind me of roads
that we have yet to travel
and you kiss my neck
i lose myself in your velvet voice
the way it gets husky
when you've had a long day
the way its sweeter than honey
when you ask me to stay
*and  you pull me close.

selfishly,
my darkness absorbed any light it could find,
that light was you.
i drank you up until i could stand on my own
i left you thirsty and without answers.
you filled a void someone else created.
you soothed the wounds as he carved them,
healed,
i went back to him in good condition
because of all your hard work
then i would return,
hopeless and cracked
you put my pieces back together so many times.
then one day i never came back.

I have to much time on my hands
thoughts of doubt flicker in and out
as I sit here alone
and the silence lets me finally hear the
pessimistic whispers of my own heart.
My mind and heart team up against me and
commit treason to my holistic well being.
"He's safe", I whisper back weakly
"I'm numb and he is safe."
I get up, rustle paper and clank tea kettles
and never sit in silence again.

one
You took it from me
You smiled as you thrusted
You said you were drunk

two
You were perfection
I pretended you were *one
Then everything changed

three
  You smoked cigarettes
You listened said I was not alone
I cheated on two

four
You were just a friend
You kept asking if I was okay
You knew I wasn't

five
Blue eyes and shyness
You mended with tender love
Then you left for good

six
You were wild and fun
You said I was lovable
I felt whole again

seven
I was much too drunk
Your friends heard us through the walls
I don't regret you

eight
Your scar turns me on
So does your smile and your laugh
My soul loves Your soul

this love,
can't be measured.
it grows in different ways.
the  more i know you,
the more i know myself

i guide your hands to where they need to be
breathlessly,
you follow the trail i blaze
wide eyed
you watch as i gaze
i, unfastened your innocence
and your locket of tenderness
you, unfasten the wooden buttons
on my summer dress
i, look at you your chest
  and the map of tan lines
you, look at me my freckles
and my milky skin,
its covered in what christians call sin
you, don't mind,
you say my skin has a glow
i smile and kiss your neck
make you crinkle your toes
i pull you close i look into your dreams
you take me in, you trace my creases and seams

heaven has never felt so close
yet some days i miss the melancholy
the  stale taste  of your ghost
i sip tastes of the sweetness he graciously pours past my lips
yet in my sleep when darkness and truth consumes i still see you
like a beacon your ugliness shines through the mist
wholesomely i love him, my love floats up high radiantly
like all love should grow
yet it remains  anchored sturdily  in the warm depths of  my soul
on the nights he's not home
and the disfigured memory of you
leaves a chill  in my bones
i remember how you really were dysfunctional and cold
i remember his love and his radiant soul
and how heaven has never felt so close

it was not a painful love
it was not an unpredictable, anxious love
she had never felt so wholesomely good
so purely happy
she had never loved so intrinsically well.
so balanced
she had loved this much before,
but she was loving in all the wrong ways.
before she lost herself in love
now she finds herself in it.

She woke up with bright lights and a broken heart
she fell asleep dancing and careless,
Last night  she was drunk on your love.

always, she helped with the rubble
she helped carry everyone's trouble
one by one she loved,
one by one they got better
and all she was left with
were the stains left by their trouble
and the aches from carrying the rubble
she tried to scrub out the stains
and soothe her own pain
but now no one would take her,
no one wanted to help carry her trouble.

i take you in.
your hands.
your smile.
your eyes.
It's hard to remember  loving anyone else.
i look at you
your puckered lips
your eyelashes
your scar traced hips
I don't dream of anyone else, awake or asleep.
you love me yearningly.
yet not overwhelmingly.
you love me wholesomely.
You smile at me like you have never seen anyone else.

I love gold skin and blue eyes
I love crooked grin and tan lines
I love stubborn, I love weak
I love the mild strain of OCD
I love the ache of your vacancy
I love the fullness when you return to me
You love me tender
I'll love you strong
Please don't stray away too long

a hollowness heavy with pain
nestled in the safety of my ribcage
my walls are thin and fragile
from the constant carving from within
hollow and weightless
as if blown thinly from delicate glass
i wait for these lovely walls
to quietly  collapse

yearning arms embrace
lips receive awaited kiss
as patient hands clasp

you, my Pale Blue Eyes
you, sweet tender company
you,  Sun to my Moon

An attention seeker
A destroyer
An unforgiving shadow behind the light
She returns
With her jack knife
she highlights
the void never to be filled
The self doubt never to be killed

Hazel Eyes
with liquid gold,
once flickered glances,
now reckless ghosts,
etched in brail on my skin and bones.

Grey Eyes
  freckled with icy blue,
gazes at me tender,
stares at me hungry,
trying to absorb the sight of me.
Afraid he might lose the likes of me.

In pain,
We both lounged for the throat
In vain,
it was us who lost the most
I'm sorry for letting my weakness melt me into the mold
of a teenage *****
Ever day my happiness,
Leaves a a taste of bitterness
I can't quite clear from my tongue
nor the separate segments of taste buds

But as you already know I am selfish
And will keep using the cards I've been dealt with

I have been broken and now I am crooked
I drink happiness like it will soon be diluted

I am sorry
But really I'm not
You've been stepping on my face and my dreams
for far too long.

Yes you felt you owned
And yes you felt everyone owed!
but he was never yours to keep,
And I will never owe you for any deed.

I just realized You might deteste me
as much as I hate her...
a very disturbing thought indeed
Sorry,
again .

Waving good bye through the glass door, that I fog up with my breath.

Frantically, I rub little peep holes through misted glass to watch you leave more clearly.

The pain in your face is easier to feel when your voice is muffled through the closed door.

" I love you," you mouth to me with wide eyes.

With the palms of my hands against the glass,

I try to make the moment of feeling you last.

But now you have to walk away,

and later get on a plane.

Let me drink love words from your  willing lips

Let me  read and reread the brail engraved in your fingerprints

Let me breathe in your dreams made of fears and stardust

Let me absorb your flaws like  the sun is absorbed by dusk

Let me trace hopes and dreams on the groves of your ribs

Let me tell you our story with your hands on my hips

Let me thank the aligning of constellations and stars

Let me hold you forever, though forever seems far

I like you
although you leave soon
i will miss you
i will think of you
as we gaze at the same moon
upon you return
i will adorn
you with neck kisses
i will adore
and get whom i've been missing

falling in love again
though this time it does feel more graceful
not quite so fatal
is love still love, when it does not hurt?
my heart is damaged goods,
i dont remember how its supposed to work.

I think I'll tell you that we're starting to fuse together,

To fit into each others groves

And into each other's  notches

I think I will let you know that like carved wood,

We fit together.

That you fit with me like my skin fits my body,

Like air fills my lungs.

I'll show you how we fit,

My hand in yours,

My head upon your chest,

Our fingers laced like the the fibres of a basket

Like stars we have  aligned

With our legs evenly intertwined

You elicit my smile and and learn about my silence,

I start to know your far off gaze and understand your shyness.

still a slave to your memory,
though i have quasi-healed
i have found sanction in him
in a love that is real
you,
ball and chain on my broken heart
he,
the thread that has sewn the two parts.
I will love both of you,
one willingly,
one not.
until the day comes
that you've finally gone

quiero amar
quiero querer felicidad
quiero sentir
por favor ,ya no quiero sufrir

with my eyes wide shut,
and my mouth locked open,
try and tell me what its like to be broken
pain like a fire, yet detached and frozen
they say its my fault,
the life i've chosen
drowning yet parched,
this longing is tearing me apart
and i never chose to love you

you taught her what love was,
then left,
she would  never be the same again


                               *s.v

But,
i wanted my children
to have your hazel eyes.