I look for you in everyone
I have yet to find the curve of your lips
and the angles of your jawline
but some days,
I find the way you walked
or the way you gazed in solemn thought

All I hear in your voice
is an echo of your true self bouncing
within this new hardened mask you call your face.
You call me just to say you are keeping your  distance,
you seem to be convincing yourself as the static thickens.
You want to know more of me,
but the truth would hurt you
even though you were the one who left me begging at the airport.
I can't tell you I have felt the very lips you dreaded for so long
I can't tell you that I've stopped thinking about you
every night I fall asleep,
because I fall asleep in his arms.

You tell me a well rehearsed stock answer, when I ask if you love me

You can't even use the word love, to say you don't have any.

Please don't call me anymore, I don't need your selfish thirst for my soul,

   when you can't even make me a cup of tea.

they took out an ***** that left a scar
like a zipper on your perfect stomach.
I kissed it as i was kissing  down your chest,
and stopped,
to kiss your lips again,
because i remembered you are human,
and that scar meant you aren't as invincible as i thought you were,
and that's an unshakeable thought,
so i kissed your lips to make sure you were still there.

your smile is ******* amazing.
but so is the solemn look you get when you stare at my lips
and so is the one you get when you run your hands slowly down my hips
you are a beautiful person.
you love your dog more than most people can love each other
you drive me at midnight in the middle of the winter to get tacos and have a picnic
When you kiss me, eyes closed
I feel your light seep into my bones
its the closest thing to heaven I've ever known

we hold hands

and

kiss

in the theatre,

just like the movies

and I'm so nervous

I can barely follow the plot

your breathing

is so distracting,

and so is your hand on my knee,

I've never been so aware of my knee

and now it feels lonely

Will you still want me
After I kiss the haze of cigarettes off your skin
Will you still think I'm pretty
When I show you the scripture of  my sins
Will you still like me
If I give you what you've wanted for so long
I hate that still, I dance to this ancient song

and
I
was
almost back
to being
my normal self

they say sad tears and happy tears are molecularly different

am i molecularly different, now that i cry tears of sadness?

did your leaving me change what i am made of?

they say we are made of stardust and other borrowed things

so that means you changed the make up of the stars when you left me,

and you changed a small part of the universe too.

sometimes i hope you feel the same
and I'm not writing about love in vain
do you feel as deeply as i do?
i suppose if you did i'd still have you
do you feel love, happiness and pain?
i suppose you do,
just not for me.
i feel like more often than not,
love is unidirectional,
and for that sadistic reason,
mine does not cease to grow for you.
most of my love,
has been  a longing
kind of love.
a lonely
kind of love.

I like getting lost with you,
in the city,
and in your words,
I like wandering streets
in hazy moonlight.
and an urban glow.
i like arriving late with you
because,
we don't care about the pub anyway
i like smiling and sipping on cheap beer
i like brushing my legs against yours,
as we laugh.
i like kissing your new lips
(lips new to me)
i like your smile,
(you smile a lot).
i like your grinning lips
and how they push through when we kiss
i like how you always manage to pull me in close
i like it when your nose
touches my nose
i like how you make me get lost
in you
and in thought
i like how i forget to breathe
when you're real close to me

you are nothing,
but a mirage at this point
you've                 evaporated
from the earth of my dreams to
make       images    of      love  
when I'm dying of thirst
for  your  touch
youaremeanttobehere
in my bed in my arms
you are meant to be in my life
though I'm not meant to be in yours
how  can  the  universe  be so  cruel
to  line  up  my   stars   with   yours
butlineupyourswithsomeoneelse's?
Most days i wake up and still
expect you to be next to me
or i expect to find a note saying
you've  gone  for  a  morning  ride
mostdaysIwakeupthinkingyouloveme
it takes me a few moments to wake up
and            realize          you         don't
i half expect you to write to me
and tell me about your day
(i fully expect you to write to me)
i refresh my inbox in a very lonely way
and    it   apologetically   comes    back
empty                   each                    time
it can see the emptiness in my eyes

he made love to me without knowing me,
he kissed my ******* as if he had never seen
anything so beautiful.
he kept muttering,
" I can't believe this is happening".
he kissed my eyelids
and my lips,
he let me stutter about how long it had been.
he stopped
and laughed with me,
when we heard voices
outside of the hostel room.
he cooed foreign  loving words
in an australian tongue.
a mix of old english and indigenous
though he wouldn't want to admit it
he made me feel like i was enough
and that i owed him nothing,
he made me feel like i was perfect
on my own,
that i didn't need you
to be a good person.
he doesn't know you,
so he doesn't know you
are a missing part of me
so maybe you
aren't anymore

we sat naked
wrapped up in a sheet,
sitting on the sill of a window.
we watched the night turn into
morning and people
alone and cold
on the dimly lit streets
and he kissed my check
when
he told he had someone,
like i had you
and that he finally
felt like himself too.
we left and drank dark beer,
the woman said it would
cure his flushed face
her words made
made it worse
we walked the quiet sleepy streets,
holding hands in his coat pocket.
the next day he flew away
like you did
but he made me feel whole
and like i could be
on my own
instead of the way
you make me feel empty
and useless

its been three months
since you've left me
and
still,
i would
drop everything,
and
love you
if you let me

the absence of love
makes me feel  so strong

like i have won back sovereignty
of my willingness to be

the memory of
someone else touching me
frees me from you and morality

Atleast for today.

I try to wash
the longing off
my skin
I  scrub
myself raw
I sit in the shower
I let the water run
down my face
Until I can barely
breathe
I give my watering eyes a break
I let the shower cry for me
The lack of breath
gives me comfort
I can stop
breathing in
the glass shards
of your memory
I can stop
breathing in
the lead
your void
provides me

I compare myself
to a military wife
because i too
did not sign up for this
the only way i can deal
with you choosing
something over me
is be putting you
on an untouchable
pedestal
and pretending
you are doing this
for another cause
other than yourself
you are not fighting
you are not honourable
the only war you are fighting
is with yourself
the only thing you are sacrificing
is me
and that doesn't seem
to be a sacrifice at all
I apologize to anyone
who actually is loved
by someone who
left them
for the greater good
I'm sorry,
because
your bond
should never be misunderstood

a lump in my throat grows
as the distance between our hips widens
my hands begin to shake as
i lose the taste of your lips
i gain pounds to fill
the void of your silence
i don't want myself either Aid,
i fall apart
as your dreams come together
the ugliness inside
comes to the surface of my honest skin
no more forever and evers
no more kisses to cover my sins

on  autumn days
that you
are cold,
you give me
your coat
because,
you have always
put me
before
yourself

holds herself while she cries,

a false sense of security

do you remember the days
we watched planes,
take off from the water with such ease
and the loved poured from us effortlessly
do you remember the ocean mist in our eyelashes
and the way you held me in your coat,
to protect me from the cold
do you remember the silence on the peer,
you said it was so quiet you could hear me smiling
do you remember the happiness we felt,
when you were back on the coast,
together we made home
we built it with the  warmth of our souls
and our tangled fingers
and our longing bones
you left me on this dreary coast
waiting for you to build our home
i can't build anything alone
let alone when i'm cold

i can't even train downtown because it all belonged to us
every coffee shop,
every parking lot,
every concrete ledge we could sit on,
every pretty view.
we exploited and used.
it all belongs to what we used to be
and i can't even bring myself to do errands
because i can't set foot in the half of town where you told me
you loved me,
where we laughed
and you told me;
you said you would hold me --
when things got rough
.
.
.
we christened it with us
and tainted it with love.

the void of your voice sounds like  the smoothness of satin rubbing on my skin feels
the lack of you sounds like  hints of honey and sweet sayings that drip down finger tips
the memory of  your laughter is muffled, and  takes the rhythm of my heart beat as it echoes quietly
you are an intangible
beautiful ghost
that was once my home

spread so thinly,
you could see through her.
transparency, made her weak
she wore her heart on her sleeve.
she breathed you in like stardust and dreams.
you left her suffocating, and cheap.

right on time you do not comply
and once again I'm left waiting for you.
Your sweetness will not always be able to make up for the disappointments.
One day your velvet voice will not be enough to make me forget.
Until then, I will write down your wrongs, until maybe they sink in.

you are so tender and selfish,  

when you  keep calling me sweet things,

after you tell me you can't have me.

I am so willing to keep feeling,

that I just smile through the lonely,

and desperately accept pain.

most nights i sleep on the side that isn't mine,
because when you used to share a bed with me you would insist on stealing my spot.
i feel as if your arms are always about to grab on to my waist,
i stay on this side to feel you like i once did,
even though i can never sleep,
because its not my side of the bed.

you threaten me
when i do not abide by your rules of sweetness and understanding
you say you don't want me if i feel less than happy

i spoke of you in the past tense
i spoke of you with a scarlet ex
the words got caught in my throat
and clung on trying not  to escape my lips
to make those horrible sounds of truth
exist
i choked on the words,
i sputtered and coughed before i could even finish the sentence
he said "are you okay miss?"
as i bent over wheezing
i recovered,
i gestured to what i was wearing,
"this was my boyfriend's jean jacket."

I don't think I have ever been so powerless
I will spend every morsel of a moment with you before you go
If you want me to
I'll do anything you want to make this sweetness last
To make the agony of you leaving me last
before it turns to numbness
You are great to be  powerless to,
You are so easy to love
And so easily love.
This is the bitterest sweetness, I've ever had.
The only sweetness I've ever had,
Losing my only sweetness,
Makes the taste of loss so bitter.  
I never knew I could love like this.
I never knew love could mean honesty and trust.
I never knew it could mean tenderness and  lust.
you make me a person I want to be around
You helped me widdle away the stubborn
and smooth out the self,
in self esteem.
Without your patient and hard working hands,
my Self will turn rough and dull again.
I'll have to face myself
while you go off
and carve out you're own dreams
And leave me after you have shown me how sweet it all could be.

You get so jealous when i dance
yet never bring yourself to take me
(i don't know what you think I'm capable of)
you hate that i drink when you leave
you don't understand
you leave me with bottled up agony
i wish i were perfect like you
so composed and righteous
i wish that judgement was so easy
to slip off my own tongue
and drop into the heart
of the one that i judge
i wish you weren't hurt by me
not being an island like you are
i know you wish i was solemnly far
from every threat to you.
i wish i was the one with the dreams.
and you stayed home yearning for me
i will always be second best
to your very subtle selfish mess
you do  not let yourself feel pain
you avoid it its etched in your face
you fell in love with a girl earnest and real
you can't choose which traits i get
i am not one of you're planned balanced  meals