i think about how my fist is the size of my heart
and i let you hold my hand a lot
i fold you around me so you can hold me
and a whales heart is the size of a car
and i can fit inside one
and we could fit inside one.

i mean you are capable of holding my fist in your one hand.
i mean you can nearly hold my whole rib cage in your two hands.
i can fit in you.
you pick me up underneath my underarms sometimes
and i think i'm comfortable when you do,
when i let you do that.

*friday, april 3, 2015

i think i forgot the sacred of my name
until you said it out loud, in full time over
and time over
you say to me life is coming
life comes
i think i forgot the bloom of my name
i think i heard it as release
i think i heard it as love
come on love
tell me my name

they should call me pleutienne
"because you love the rain"

*april 9, 2015

i mean his eyes they hold light in different ways
they let in light in different time,
they see light in different lights.
and i mean when he looks at me
it's as if he's seeing two different things;
he lets me in in two different ways.
and when he holds me it makes me feel calm
like the waves of his two differently dilated pupils
keep me rocking back and forth between the
tides he swells up around me
to pull me into him.

*monday, march 16th 2015.

I wait for you, tell you to put the weight of your pain on my shoulders
-as if I'm not drowning already-
I look at my self in disgust, after discussing and blindly leading you to believe I'm in love with myself
-because what guys isn't right?-
I sit and reflect on all this ******* I drug myself through to keep the heels of your heels clean, romanticizing this reflex I have to catch you everytime you fall

I reign in the pieces of your broken heart every time you're too weak to pick them up, and that would be okay if you weren't so content raining on me everytime you felt cold

i remember i loved you so much
that i left a bowl of dry ingredients for brownies
stranded in the kitchen when you asked me
to come over.

and when you came home from toronto
and i got off of my third or fourth shift
at my first job
i left early and i ran to your house.

and for your 17th birthday (before i acquired
my majestic cupcake gig)
i spent all my babysitting money on
a worn sweater with the gucci label screened
onto it.
i had planned this months before we even dated,
i remember thinking we were going to be so close
that it would warrant me getting you a present.
i had only kissed you once and had only spoken to you
for two months.

and i still remember what i wore the first time
we hung out (rose gold crop sweater, black jeans, brown boots)
and what i wore the first time we kissed (tights, black romper, braided belt, earrings that kept falling out)
and what i wore when we broke up (flats, black high waisted skater skirt, weird 90s crop bustier)
and what i wore when i saw you for the first time afterwards (light wash jeans, grey knit top, pink sparrys)
and what i wore when we had our end of the line fight (black jeans, purple halter top)
the times i saw you after weren't overly notable, you reached out and i recoiled. you noogied me and i didn't let my friends make fun of you.
and then you asked me to start coming over again (light blue jeans, navy turtleneck)

i'm not sure what this poem was ever supposed to be.
i wish i remembered what i wore the night you told me
that you missed me.
but since you've been back, or i've been back, or we've been back
i only remember what it is to be with you.

we'll keep growing.

*11:18 P.M. June/22/2014

i smell your sweater and tell myself i don't love you
and i rub my fingers through your hair and allot
days to wonder if i really want you or not.
and now that i wear my glasses or my contacts
i can finally see the way that you look at me.

we have done things in such a way
that if you leave, or if i do,
somedays you and i will wake up
with each others cheeks underneath our palms.
or my legs between yours,
or teeth in each other's necks.

may.4.2014
*10:10 p.m.

JUST GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND MY LIFE AND
WHATEVER ******* HIDDEN PLACE YOU LIVE IN INSIDE ME

But don't go
And don't stop talking
And don't leave me
Just stay with me don't stay no stay

11:54 A.M.
*October.30.2013