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steel tulips Dec 2014
you are nothing,
but a mirage at this point
you've                 evaporated
from the earth of my dreams to
make       images    of      love  
when I'm dying of thirst
for  your  touch
youaremeanttobehere
in my bed in my arms
you are meant to be in my life
though I'm not meant to be in yours
how  can  the  universe  be so  cruel
to  line  up  my   stars   with   yours
butlineupyourswithsomeoneelse's?
Most days i wake up and still
expect you to be next to me
or i expect to find a note saying
you've  gone  for  a  morning  ride
mostdaysIwakeupthinkingyouloveme
it takes me a few moments to wake up
and            realize          you         don't
i half expect you to write to me
and tell me about your day
(i fully expect you to write to me)
i refresh my inbox in a very lonely way
and    it   apologetically   comes    back
empty                   each                    time
it can see the emptiness in my eyes
a work in progress
steel tulips Dec 2014
he made love to me without knowing me,
he kissed my ******* as if he had never seen
anything so beautiful.
he kept muttering,
" I can't believe this is happening".
he kissed my eyelids
and my lips,
he let me stutter about how long it had been.
he stopped
and laughed with me,
when we heard voices
outside of the hostel room.
he cooed foreign  loving words
in an australian tongue.
a mix of old english and indigenous
though he wouldn't want to admit it
he made me feel like i was enough
and that i owed him nothing,
he made me feel like i was perfect
on my own,
that i didn't need you
to be a good person.
he doesn't know you,
so he doesn't know you
are a missing part of me
so maybe you
aren't anymore

we sat naked
wrapped up in a sheet,
sitting on the sill of a window.
we watched the night turn into
morning and people
alone and cold
on the dimly lit streets
and he kissed my check
when
he told he had someone,
like i had you
and that he finally
felt like himself too.
we left and drank dark beer,
the woman said it would
cure his flushed face
her words made
made it worse
we walked the quiet sleepy streets,
holding hands in his coat pocket.
the next day he flew away
like you did
but he made me feel whole
and like i could be
on my own
instead of the way
you make me feel empty
and useless
steel tulips Dec 2014
its been three months
since you've left me
and
still,
i would
drop everything,
and
love you
if you let me
steel tulips Dec 2014
the absence of love
makes me feel  so strong

like i have won back sovereignty
of my willingness to be

the memory of
someone else touching me
frees me from you and morality

Atleast for today.
steel tulips Nov 2014
"Hold me",
"no",
      "really grab me",

                     take a hold of my soul

...he cupped her ***
                                     and picked her up
steel tulips Nov 2014
I try to wash
the longing off
my skin
I  scrub
myself raw
I sit in the shower
I let the water run
down my face
Until I can barely
breathe
I give my watering eyes a break
I let the shower cry for me
The lack of breath
gives me comfort
I can stop
breathing in
the glass shards
of your memory
I can stop
breathing in
the lead
your void
provides me
even showering is hard
steel tulips Nov 2014
we used
to be
tourists
in our
own city
we would
go to the
art gallery
and whisper about
impressionism
you would
hold my hand
as we walked
through gift shops
we would laugh
at over crowded
hiking
trails
everything
was lovely
we desired
to see
new things
in the old
we loved
each other
so well
i love you so much
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