I've come to the conclusion that once one learns how to love being alone with oneself they realize how much more peaceful **** is without everyone else's ****!

I seriously think that when I was bleeding to death quite literally, and before I had the hysterectomy to fix it. It was God finally giving me the death I've so longed for. However I let the doctors play God and stop me from dieing and now I have to endlessly suffer; surgery after surgery, trapped in my own body, unable to do anything for myself. Wishing I would have listened as he was giving me my one true wish.

Honestly I ******* hate everything I feel like a useless lump that can't do anything for herself because the doctor say I am not allowed to so I'm a burden I can't even brush my own hair or shower myself or make my own **** bowl of cereal cuz a gallon is too heavy so honestly I can see it that I'm pushing everybody away and staying home alone a lot and doing nothing which isn't healthy for me I know but honestly I would rather push them away and let them have their happy than **** them into my depression

When I die I don't want a funeral I don't want a memorial; maybe something for just my parents and my kids. the rest of the people out there in the world, I don't want them there I don't need them there. I realized after my surgery's when I was stuck home not allowed to do anything for months on end the only person that showed up and showed out was Nevaeh and even then I felt like **** for even having to ask her to be there for me because she's a teenager and she should be out doing teenager things not washing her mother's hair helping her get anything out of the cupboards helping her mother bathe basically do everything thing because i wasn't allowed to do anything myself. Did a single one of the people that called me friend come to help? no. My bestest friend of all time, was she there to even look me in the eye once? No. Did any single person that said they'd be there, even show up? No. Not a single one of them would help me in life there's no need for them to mourn me in death.

When nothing else matters don't cry
when nothing else matters just hold your head high
because nothing else matters and no one can care
you know deep down no one will be there
you find yourself alone with no one to hold
and find yourself alone your tail can't be told
Your thinking that depression that will hold you deep
don't sit in that depression that will make you weep
zombie on and push yourself through
someday you'll find a world that is new

The loneliness is too much
The empty arms where overwhelming
The loss of her true love was too devastating
She didn't know how to cope
It hurt too **** much
But you couldn't see it
You where too blind
So you left her alone to suffer
Wishing you wanted her as much as she needed you
She sat alone with teas filled her eyes
You left her alone because you where too afraid to show her that you loved her just as much
You where too afraid to reach out and hold her close
You where to afraid to return the emotions she had no reservations lavishing upon you
You where too afraid to open your heart to the love she offered
So you lost her
You lost her because you let your fear rule
Too bad you couldn't show her how you truly felt
Too bad you constantly left her alone with her overthinking mind
Too bad you where alone with your fears.
Too bad she climbed the ladder while you stood there too afraid to move
Too bad you couldn't see how much she valued you above everyone else
Too bad you never lifted her up and helped her climb
In the long run you taught her that she doesn't need anyone
In the long run she learned that she can do it on her own
In the long run she taught you that her love will drag your dead weight with her as she climbs
Too bad you where unwilling to accept her pure love
In the end she showed you that despite your bullheadedness she will keep on keeping on and make it to the top where she belongs.
Despite your cowardice she won't stop until she reaches her goals
She is strong she is brave she is determined
she is looking at the future
she is unstoppable
You may have weighed her down and held her back but she will never give up
She is a fighter
She loves you so much
your dead weight only proves to make her stronger
She will make it with or without you sbut chooses to drag your sorry *** along with her to the top
She is that kind of girl.
You either accept it or let go
She won't hold on forever
Once she is gone you'll regret not lifting her up like she deserved
You know this to be truth
Yet you choose to look the other way and keep her in sadness
You choose to let her struggle instead of reaching out a helping hand
You choose to look at her tears and ignore them
You choose to block her out every chance you can
You'll learn
You'll see
You'll regret
But then it will be too late
She'll have moved on an risen higher than you could ever reach

My advice, look, see, listen ,help, share, communicate, lift, care, trust, cuddle, support, love and above all lift her higher than you ever have ever lifted anyone like she does you
You know she deserves it
You know she will make it without you if you Don't. She loves you and it will take the titanic to brake that kind of motivation. YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.