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Wife,
        That’s a term I have been waiting to use for my entire life. I wasn’t always the best at searching for you. I was young and mildly ambitious growing up; other things got in the way because I never knew how much I could love you.
        If only I had known.
        I’ve told you most of my stories: my days playing sports, the endless reading list I had at my bedside table, and the sleepless nights thinking I would never find you.
        I’m eternally grateful that God allowed our paths to cross at that bookstore – how ironic that I was looking for books about love and I found you.
        My life taught me to question and second-guess many things: marriage, relationships, and the future.
        I had let my doubts and expectations reach into my pockets of hope and faith, stealing my motivation to succeed.
        Some would say I was justified in being a stoic.
        Not you.
        Before I met you, I was full of silly ideas and visions of how the world was. Those things – doubt, disappointment, failure – may be in the world, but they don’t define the world.
        Or me.
       I’m glad I questioned what was shinning so bright in a dimly lit bookstore. I’m glad I saw you.
        Holding a flashlight.

Always,
Yours
She sat up, drenched in sweat, panting. A cursory glance out of her window presented nothing but darkness beyond the fluttering white curtains, the cool night air seeping into her bedroom. She shivered and pressed herself further into the blankets, wrapping layers of warmth around her like a fluffy cocoon.
With a forlorn sigh, she tried to coax herself back to sleep, trying her best to ignore the bright red numbers of her alarm clock that flashed a disappointing 4:00 AM. She knew this would be pointless. She could never sleep on this night- this night where she was annually plagued by a steady onslaught of nightmares on the anniversary of that grim event. To fall into the foreboding arms of sleep meant to curl up in a flurry of gaunt eyes and hollowed skin among other things- terrible things that slowly slunk back into the light, try as she might to push them into the back of her mind and deprive them of memory or existence.
The worst thing she dreamt about, though, was his face. It rushed into her consciousness like an angry dark secret with blinding clarity and startling vividness. She counted several prominent wrinkles on the yellowing, sickly skin. His hair was thinning, falling out in wispy clumps. Perhaps what bothered her most was her recollection of the eyes. She had looked into those eyes much like one would peer down into a chasm: knowing that there was a place down there deprived of light or joy or laughter, simply an empty void. It had been painful to look into those eyes and realize that there wasn’t any hope left for him. And so she had held the withered hand connected to the emaciated excuse for a body, and the eyes looked towards her one last time, remorseful and hopeless. Then they had closed and he was gone.
When I was younger
I liked to spin and spin
I would get dizzy and fall
and I would laugh
because things were good
and life was kind

When I was a little older
I liked to follow my brother around
I would get tired and fall
because no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't keep up
but things were good
and life was kind

The day I became a teenager
I began to internalize
and I would get dizzy and fall
because I was different
things were not good
but life was still kind

When I was a little older
I made peace with my struggles
I got light headed and cried
God made me different
but things were good
and life was kind

When I became an adult
I met my first love
We would kiss and I would fall
because I knew he would catch me
things were very good
and life was kind

When  I was a little older
I made too many mistakes
I was so sorry but I didn't fall
because I had ruined his life
and mine
and there's nothing to be done
things got really bad
and life was not kind

Now the days go by
but things are different now
and when I think about it all
I get dizzy and I do fall
because not a day goes by
that I don't think of you
and how sorry I am
for the idiot I was

but life goes on
there's not too much I can do
the little that could
was done
and we've moved on

The day I'm a little older
I'm sure I will see you that day
and I will probably get dizzy and fall
but I hope enough time has passed
where we are able to smile
because things are good
and life is once again kind
you
Sometimes I wonder how I feel about you,
Scared of these feelings because it’s still new
I catch myself thinking of the best way to share,
Hoping you’ll return my confession showing you care
And then I catch myself again… and drag my thoughts back to reality
I am back at square one.
trying to ignore the fact that in actuality you've won my love
but because of me
we may not ever be
teach me to see my worth
you give me butterflies when you say sweet words
I feel as close to you as the wind is to my skin
I feel as powerful next to you as lightening in the nights storm
I feel as sad not seeing you as parting rain drops from dark clouds
with all I feel for you
I can't help but wonder
is this meant to be?
I can write a million different combinations of letters and words
a thousand ways, just to tell the world how I feel about
you
my words will blossom and expand and touch the sky just for
you
the world would never know we started off as strangers
I miss you.

Though I've never felt your touch,
or heard your laugh,
or seen you cry,
or had a deep talk late into the night.

My chest literally aches physically
as I'm longing to be the one
you call when you need someone
and the one you know as your own.

How can a heart miss someone
it's never even known?
you have reshaped my ideas
and become my definition of love.

I miss you so
though you would never know
how my soul yearns for you
because you are not my reality.

I miss you so much.
12/24/13
The words they come from
somewhere in my mind
like a beautiful breeze blowing
wind in your face or like a smile
that only takes a moment
and costs nothing but gives much,
like a memory that lasts forever.

Don't take your eyes off love's
swift feet even for a second,
because if you do you'll find
yourself in a field of lonesomeness
and know that it is in loving that the heart
finds its quest and it is in giving, not getting,
that our lives are best.

I've climbed to the top
of the mountain and touched
the dew on the morning rose
and witnessed the beauty of nature
and bathed in that beauty and as
my memory runs over those yesterdays
knowing that the only way
I can ever go back,
is the way I just did,
back into the fast-fading
thoughts of an old mind.

When I was young I was
full of fun, learning of life,
living each hour fast and free,
almost as if each were my last
and later, still young but a veteran
of an ugly war that changed me forever,
I knew just enough about life
to regard it more valuable
than before.

Involved in many of life's mysteries
of serving causes or friends,
both of which become
more dangerous with time,
made some of my actions
feel like a crime,
somewhere in my mind.

But I continue and I am still alive
knowing that love is so much more
than an empty desire and beauty
is also so much more than
the new that fades away
so fast.                                                  Jon York             2013
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