There are so many paths we don't take...
And I constantly am questioning what the other paths would lead to.

Why do I always waste thoughts on past loves?
Why am I always wondering what could have been?

I cannot ever seem to shake this feeling of missing out.
Even when I don't know what it is.

I'm lonely.
And you've all taken pieces of me you have yet to return.
And probably never will.

How can I trust anymore?
When all they do is leave...

They always leave...

And I often wonder what could have been...
Had they stayed...

We're falling apart.
Slowly, but surely.

I'm sure we will both reminisce of better days...

But you've fallen in love with someone new.
And I've had it with your fickle ****.

So we seem to just be strangers now.

And on that rare occurrence that we talk...
Everything is comfortable.
Natural.

But I dislike your distance.
I've told you many times.
And you always say sorry...
As if that means anything to me anymore.

So we'll go through life secretly loving each other.
Never being able to tell each other how we really feel.

I'm okay with that.

Nothing has changed here...
As much as I have replayed the movie, records, reread the chapters...
The outcome will always be the same.

But there is a thread of hope things will have a different ending.

It never is new.
I question why I continue to play these mind games with myself...

There is something here.
There is a flame...

Small, but alive...

And I feel it thawing whatever bitter coldness,
I have obtained from the shoulders of others.

I wonder what will happen next...
Or if this will just become another day dream of 'what could have been.'

I'm insecure.
I'm flawed.

Mentally preparing myself for horrible outcomes...
Emotionally trying to remain stable in the midst of chaos.

Chaos that hasn't even begun.
Chaos that may not even begin.

But I am just preparing for the worst.
I feel like it won't hurt as bad if I do.

I hope that this is something good.
I hope that this introduces us to the next chapter of our lives.

I find myself thinking of you.
The you I have fantasized...
Not who you really are.

In my head the idea of you is perfect.
In my head the scenarios play out in my favor.

But in reality...
I have blocked you out completely.
Because you don't care enough to stay.

So why should I let you even look?
Why should I give you the right to walk in and out when you please?

I don't.
I won't.

I know you well enough as to what you'll do.
I know myself well enough that I will allow it to happen all over again.

But not this time.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?