Nothing has changed here...
As much as I have replayed the movie, records, reread the chapters...
The outcome will always be the same.

But there is a thread of hope things will have a different ending.

It never is new.
I question why I continue to play these mind games with myself...

There is something here.
There is a flame...

Small, but alive...

And I feel it thawing whatever bitter coldness,
I have obtained from the shoulders of others.

I wonder what will happen next...
Or if this will just become another day dream of 'what could have been.'

I'm insecure.
I'm flawed.

Mentally preparing myself for horrible outcomes...
Emotionally trying to remain stable in the midst of chaos.

Chaos that hasn't even begun.
Chaos that may not even begin.

But I am just preparing for the worst.
I feel like it won't hurt as bad if I do.

I hope that this is something good.
I hope that this introduces us to the next chapter of our lives.

I find myself thinking of you.
The you I have fantasized...
Not who you really are.

In my head the idea of you is perfect.
In my head the scenarios play out in my favor.

But in reality...
I have blocked you out completely.
Because you don't care enough to stay.

So why should I let you even look?
Why should I give you the right to walk in and out when you please?

I don't.
I won't.

I know you well enough as to what you'll do.
I know myself well enough that I will allow it to happen all over again.

But not this time.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?

Our paths are turning different directions now.
I cannot be in and out of your life like you have been in mine.

You will defeat the demons you keep enduring.
You'll find what you're looking for.

I can only hope...

Although you only remained a chapter in my life...
And yes, I know I am the one that turned the page to end it...
You have made an impact.

Our connection was real.
At least...
In my eyes and in my heart.

Maybe I wasn't what you were looking for...
Maybe I was just an escape from reality...

At first those thoughts made me ache with a dull pain.
One that I always seem to get.
It has become so familiar.

But being numb now isn't too bad.
It has made me reread this last chapter...
I have a clearer idea of what I must do to write the next...

And maybe our paths will cross at some point.
Right now though, I will be silent.
I feel as though you do not deserve my words or heart.

You can't just keep popping into my life spontaneously.
Just when I think I am done having feelings for you...
You seem to just come back full swing.

**** it.

Do you know how frustrating it is to have such a connection?
To want things from another person because you feel it is right?

You don't give me the time of ******* day.
Unless you choose to.

It is always when you choose to.

I don't know what to do.

I question if I should leave you questioning where I am...
And how I am doing...
A taste of your own medicine...
To just read the messages you send me and only reply when I feel like it.

It kills me inside that there so many love songs that remind me of you.
It kills me that you're eventually going to say sorry and give some **** poor excuse as to why you have been absent in my life...

So what the **** are you?
What the **** do you want?

What the **** do I even want anymore?