As I gazed at her through the light...
I saw her fading.
She was transparent, predictable.
She was paper thin.
And through her skin...
The words began to surface.
I read them over and over...
Like the pages of my favorite books.
She had become my favorite book.
And I never want it to end.

So here we are....
And as many mistakes as I have made...

I am wishing I would have never told you half of them.

Because giving me the cold shoulder is torture.
And you've been on my mind ever since we spent the night together.

It was so perfect.
So real.

And even through the smoke...
I could see who you really are.

I've been tossing and turning ever since.

Come be broken with me.

Others have damaged our trust.
And I have gained more fear than courage from it.

I know you have too.

I can't promise you fearlessness or perfection.

But I can promise you that I will try my best to feel better than okay.

For as long as I can remember...
I have found such comfort in being alone.
But I've been fighting loneliness all of my life.

I don't know which side will win.
Or if this is even a game where there's winning and losing.

Sometimes I will feel so small and defenseless in this world...
And other times I feel like I could conquer it completely.

I'll hide from the outside world for days...
Sometimes even weeks.

But when I find the strength to show my face...
I find the most beautiful and inspiring things.

Yet I return back to my comfort zone...
Inside four walls that know all my secrets...
To a place I feel as though I can feel myself completely.

I thought I could brace myself from the impact.
Just in case things went in a direction I didn't want them to.

But alas, 'let's just be friends' hurt harder than getting hit by a truck.

The funny thing is, I had a feeling about it.
One of those...
It seems too good to be true, so it probably is.
**** me.

I feel like an idiot.

And as my friends kiss my newly bleeding wounds...
They tell me this is an experience not a mistake.

Even though I feel like this is a repeat cycle of mistakes.
I always seem to think 'okay this one is different I am certain.'

Only to figure out that I was completely wrong.

I leap into things....
This I know.

But when I love...
I love hard.

And I guess I crash just as hard when it all falls down.

I continue to wonder if I have learned my lesson...
But I don't think I have.

Because I keep repeating things.

I like to think I can spot red flags instantly...
But this one...
This one tricked me pretty well.

I feel lost in a world I know little about.
And I carry everything with me.
Because it is all I have.

Even if it gets heavy...
I don't want you to lift a finger of it.

Deep down I crave for someone to lighten the load.
But I refuse.

If you were to walk with me though...
I would feel so much better.

Your voice strengthens me to keep going.

I'll sip this whiskey like you sipped glances at me.
I'm buzzed thinking of your smile.

It was like we took small steps before we leaped.
And here we are wanting to risk it all...
But still trying to shield ourselves just in case we are wrong.

I can't tell you what the future holds.
But if you're by my side, I think we might be able to rule the world.

It's hard for me to read you.
Everything is still so new.
But I am trying my best to understand.

I want to be the mature adult with the heart of a child.
Who is afraid to grow up but also afraid not to.

I'm torn between the past and present.

Going to bed, replaying the day's events.

Questioning if I have learned from pasts mistakes...
Or if I have repeated them.

For me, the first rough draft is always the hardest.
I'm filled with questions, worries, and excitement.

Because I feel like we have the potential to be something amazing.
I just often wonder if you feel the same.

But I have to remember this is just our first draft.
And that I live in my mind more than my entire body.
I always try to be two steps ahead...

So I can look back and see the outcome.
If it's bad, my heart has been saved by me being cautious.
If it's good, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I don't know why I am like this.