Things are weird right now...
And we've yet to find that common ground
between our love and our broken hearts.

I've made mistakes I can't fix.
So I lie here next to the phone...
Hoping that you'll keep telling me to come home.
And one of these times...
I will.

For now I'm stuck staring at two doors.
The one behind me and the one in front of me.

Do I open up the door that you are standing on the other side of?
Or do I unlock the one in front of me?

In either situation...
I need to put on a brave face.

Because behind both closed doors, I am scared.

I'm scared that you'll lock the door this time.
Even though I was the one who gave you back the key.

I'm scared that it might be the same old chapter reread over again.
That there will be just as much heart ache to share.

But what if I knock this time?
We can't forget the mistakes we've made.
But maybe we could overcome them and pick up where we left off.

The confusion is so real I find it unbearable.
Flooding my mind with 'what ifs'.
I can't ever sleep anymore.

I know I'm making you more confused than you already were...
I just hope you'll understand even when I know I can't explain.

For the first time in a long time...
I heard your voice.
It sounded so familiar.
But still so new.

As words were exchanged...
I couldn't help but feel that it was just like old times.

Where you would call in the middle of the night when neither of us could sleep.

And we would lie in our beds with smiles on our faces.
Because we both knew something was there.

Maybe we didn't give each other enough time.
Maybe it was just the way things were...

But all those bad times I don't look back on.
Just the good ones.

Like dinners at midnight.
Or hot baths we relaxed in.

There was something.
We were something.

And in the end when I saw it coming...
Though it was a surprise to you...
I left with tears in my eyes.

Not just because my heart was hurting.
But because what we had was something special.

Now I just have memories.
I didn't want to love you again.
Because it hurts too much.
Just like it did the last time.

So maybe this chapter needed to be read again.
Because somewhere between the first few dates and fights...
I got lost.

I'm wondering if opening it up repeatedly has accomplished anything at all.

It's as if we are two very different people who just ache for each other's heart.
But nothing else.

I question what could have been.
If I had stayed writing new chapters with you...

But I have to remind myself...
The tears were real.
That as much as I wanted to stay, I wanted to leave just a little bit more.

And maybe you'll wish upon your birthday candles that I'll come home.

Chances are though, it won't come true.

Because as much as I want you to be happy...
I just cannot be a part of it any longer.

I only know how to hurt...
To walk these roads alone.

I will break your heart.
The question is when?

The suspense will **** you before you ever know.

And I am suffocating with thoughts.

I will hurt you just so you will leave.
So that you will know how cold I really am.

I may not be the girl you know.
At least...
Not anymore.

There was no mask upon my face.
And maybe the feelings were true.

But over time those feelings seemed to fade.
And when I saw you...
I didn't recognize you.
Just a stranger.

We are just...
Strangers.

The wound is still fresh.
And my heart isn't fully committed.

So I'll lay out all the pieces...
And move on without them.

My mind keeps these scars hidden from the world.
And while I lose every ounce of my sanity...
I hope you know that I love you.

Everything seems harder than it is.
I have no complaints.
No real struggles.

And yet sometimes I struggle to live...
Sometimes...
Even to love.

The darkest thoughts come out to play.
And they never seem to tire.

So I lie here.
Not being able to control myself.

Silence is my favorite enemy.
And I bathe in the chaos it causes my mind.

These episodes play like reruns on television.
Every word is used.
Their voices echo.

And I start to believe them over and over again.

We're traveling...
Distance means nothing.

Every hour passes quickly.

And then we're there.

Tonight I'll be in your arms.
We'll sleep soundly like we always do.

Tossing and turning...
But loving every minute of it.

When the sun shines through...
I'll kiss you good morning.

And we'll start our routine.

Just like we always do.