He smelled like peppermint in the middle of Christmas with those frosty hands he tried to hold tightly to my body hidden under layers of old sweaters.
He handed me a cup of steaming hot coco and kissed my red frozen nose and we watched the snow fall outside our window laughing as  it fogged up when our breath touched it.
There was nothing but love in the air that morning we awoke under mistletoe and stockings were hung.
He handed me that little red box and he said
"I know what you expect but don't be sad when it's not there... this meant more to me than a simple ring"
I opened that little red box with anticipation racing through my veins... and inside was the sweetest love letter I've ever received...

Darling, you're more than the moon
you're more then the heavens above.
You're the sun that shines down in the summer day.
You're the happiness I feel when there is nothing to say.
You're the only reason I would ever cry...
and that would be the day that we die.
You're the legs to my chair, without you'd fall straight down.
And you're the emptiness I feel when you're not around...
So now I will ask what you've been dying to hear..
Will you marry me?"

With tears shining in my eyes like the ornaments on our luscious green tree... I looked over to my one and my only and nodded and said I Do.
Just as he pulled out the most beautiful ring.

I like to surround myself with beautiful people who hate themselves.
I find their beauty as they dig deep claws into tier tiny flaws pulling out only blood and tissue that create their flawless scars.
Is it shallow that I only like beautiful people?
I don't think so no.
Because who says what's beautiful and what's not beautiful?
Who I think is gorgeous and flawless you may find hideous and unattractive but that will never change my mind.
I surround myself with people I want things from... Because I think I am, myself, that hideous monster you speak of.
I see fat and disgust.
I see self hatred and lost dreams.
I see lack of motivation with no will power.
I see a lonely girl who can't find love of course because she doesn't love herself.
And yet I hear people say I'm beautiful & pretty & wonderful and I can't help but wonder....

Maybe surrounding myself with "beautiful" people is a shallow, awful thing to say....
We are all uniquely gorgeous
In one way or
Another.

I don't miss you.

Every feeling you had
mirrored my own
uncannily.
You are still my sweet obsession,
Which means, I believe,
That I am yours.

One of us will crumble, stumble,
Into contact.
One of us will come.
And so, I need not miss you,
I am certain, somehow, that we are not done.
You still have a part to play in my life,

You're still there
You still care.

heart protected
chest pulled close
stance of ready armor
keeping shallow breath of life
expansion so much trouble
then once again
courageous choice
admitting healing touch
allowing what is buried deep
freedom  dance  arising
*allowing what is buried deep
freedom  dance  arising