When I was a little girl, I hated violence.


I'm almost an adult now and violence is my greatest strength, I don't think it's better than kindness but nevertheless it seems powerful, loud, I can't express myself without it.


I have to be aggressive almost always, and it hurts people but nevertheless, it's the only way people listen to me. 


I feel worthless without my voice, like my dad’s old t-shirt that's now used to clean up dirt. 

I feel small when I'm not heard, I could be in class but nevertheless, I'll stand up shatter like glass.


You see, I grew up thinking that being quiet would make things calmer, quiet would glue my family back together just like the broken clay cup on the kitchen floor after my parents would scream simultaneously over each other, so from a very young age I hated violence.


The aggression triggered the self-hatred in me, I made an effort to sit behind the corner so I could be ready to step in because when they fought, it was like the apartment suddenly filled with strong currents from the sea in a deep underwater cave that only seemed to be relieved when my father retrieved.


I never wanted to be labelled as the "crazy and violent" girl, nevertheless, my emotions flood with rage as I try to grip onto reality.

I spoke my mind with words that cut deeper than a blade, louder than a man, I suffocated people with my dark intrusive thoughts.

My personality was bigger than brothers hoodies I used to steal.


One day I began to find comfort in my violence and somewhere along the way, I learned that my voice is like an old childhood blanket that's so ***** and worthless, but to me, It's my only way of feeling heard. 


I learned not to let people in because what's the point if in the end I'll be letting them go through the smoke of a joint. 

I learned not to hold myself back when an immature boy only sees me as a toy.


I learned to love my quiet yet aggressive personality because as a child, myself is all I had. 


Violence isn't always the answer, nevertheless now that I'm grown, I don't hate violence.


In fact it's is my greatest strength.