Tomorrow night, you’ll sleep walk into your lover’s dreams.
You’ll open the gate to hell, where you’ll find the poor ******
souls of a lost generation. Their lust, recklessness & drunkenness
will come as no shock to you. You’ll find your people trashed;
***** bottles smashed & abandoned, intoxicated girls balanced
on their Jeffrey Campbell Litas floating through social groups.
Boys, barely men, will be seen beaten down to the bare bones
of their existence, cigarette blunts piercing their open chests;
stinging & burning, red & yellow ash sparking flames on
the black lingerie of their lover’s.  

Tomorrow night, you’ll wish you were not sleep walking into
your lover’s dreams. In the days you spend there, you will not
find the lover you know. You’ll find a lover who is invaded
by body snatches; emphatically dominating every white cell.
You’ll find a lover, cast away with the ghosts of his past.
You’ll bear witness to pendulums of excessive desires
swinging to & fro – where time stands still, & not even
the ticking of a clock can be found, to count the days til
the grave he will fly.

© Sia Jane

I'm sorry
I'm sorry for being a failure
I'm sorry for being wrong
I'm sorry for being an embarrassment
I'm sorry for making you hate me
I'm sorry for being different
I'm sorry for being me
I'm sorry for crying all night
I'm sorry for using a razor
I'm sorry for having scars
I'm sorry
I'm just so sorry

shes hiding in her bedroom
her blood splattered on the floor
her blade in her hand
her back to the door

she has a reason you know
theres a voice in her head
saying: "your not good enough"
"you deserve to be dead"

she looks in the mirror
and burst into tears
the voice comes again
pounding in her ears

"you deserve all this"
"every single cut"
"you deserve to die"
"you stupid little ****"

your right she thought to her self
i deserve it all
i dont deserve to be here
all it need is one big fall

she went to write a note
but she threw them in the bin
world could never describe
how she let the voice in

do it! do it!
"you fat ugly cow"
she stepped onto the ledge
she had to do it now

it taunts her
when she's lying in her bed
it screams bad thoughts
and whispers in her head

she took a breath
all she wants is silence
her own mind back
the only answer was violence

now she knew
as long as her heart was beating
the voice would be there
always repeating

no one even heard her
as quiet as mice
she finally got her silence
but her life was the price

I would say I love her because
I really do. At first it was friendly,
then it somehow became known
that I had more feelings for her
than I meant too.

But, today I realized that I loved her.
Not the kind of love that couples seem
to feel lately. Like, the kind that comes
so fast and fades so quickly?
No, this is something... beautiful.

I didn't want her to leave.
I wanted to pull her close and
just have her nuzzle into my
painful neck. I wanted sweet
kisses to be planted there,
and for it to heal me like
they always do.

I knew I loved her when I
fearlessly kissed her in the hallway.
it was easier because nobody except
she, Morgan, and I were there so I
didn't have to worry about someone
saying something.

But, in all honesty, I wouldn't care
one bit if someone would have seen us.
She makes me happy and as I to she.
Why shouldn't our happiness count?
Why can I not show my feelings?
I am in love with her, so please
tell me how this is fair?

How is it fair that I have to hide?
Having a beautiful and healthy relationship
full of love and trust and two beautiful souls...
Why should we have to hide when
abusive relationships are allowed and
people who are are sexist and rapists
are allowed to roam the world?

All I ask is for acceptance and love.
I just want to be able to walk around
with my head held high and to
be able to hold her hand, with my thumb
caressing the back of her hand.
I just want to kiss her when I want to
and not feel like I am disturbing others.
Loving her and being with her feels so right...
So why can I not show it?

I love her... I really do.
She is my night and my day.
My dark and my light.
My winter to my spring...
Please don't take my happiness away.

The first time I saw you a bass was being cradled in your calloused hands.
Tousled hair
And I can't find the words to explain how ridiculous you looked covered in all that anger and the I'm too cool for anyone attitude.
It made me laugh
Your laugh made me laugh
It was contagious in the way that even if someone in the room hated you at the time they would release the smallest of smiles just because of you.
I don't have any photos of us left.
But I have memories worth a billion years.
The stupid code names and the stupidity in yourself

I remember the summer of 2009-2010 and how you became super reckless after you moved to New York and I moved back to Australia.
Jumping off your roof onto the trampoline
Getting into motorcycle crashes
I was 13 by then and you were 15 ready to take on the world
But you saw me as an equal
You saw all the things in me that no one else did
I was never a little girl to you
I was just...
Your girl
We kept each other just for each other
Not letting others affect out friendship or know about us to some extent
That's what made it
What made us so truthful

I remember when you told me about the leukaemia
I hated you
I yelled
Screamed
Cried
How could you let me in like that just to tell me that you're going to die soon and there's nothing I could do
And you didn't even tell me in person
You waited till I was back to the other side of the world
All those mystery appointments finally started making sense
You were dying the day I met you
You were dying when we played music together
You were dying when we had to say goodbye
Only I refused to say goodbye cause I was convinced I'd be back next vacation
I didn't get my goodbye
You were dying while I was flying over Europe
You were dying while I visited Paris and thought of you
You were dying while I travelled around India
While I celebrated my 13th birthday and you didn't know if you'd even make it to your 16th
You did though
But not your 17th
Or your 18th
Your 19th
20th?
And later this year your 21st
You didn't get to graduate
We didn't get to have our planned reunion
Or go on all those travel plans
Play music around the world
None of it came true
Because six months after your 15 they were scattering your ashes into the ocean.
So that you could go and visit every corner on the globe anyway

Tell me Zane
Is the world really as beautiful as we want it to be?
Because there's so much I could say about how much I hate it
How much I hate you having to go away
How I hate that I've spent the past four years not hearing your voice
How I hate that you chose to go away in the end
Because you knew you were dying and just like everything else you wanted control over it
You were so stubborn
And we fought so much
There'd be days where we would refuse that the other existed cause we both wanted hold over the situation
But in the end you'd scrunch up your eyes and I'd punch you lightly in the arms and everything was perfect

I miss you
More than anything
I'm constantly reaching into the air trying to grasp any remains of you
You would think after four years I would be used to it but the space that you occupied is empty and it's hard not to notice
I'm still drowning in the fact that you loved me as much as you said you did
I'm still praying that tomorrow when I wake up you'll be here
I'm still remembering conversations and tiny details
I'm still never going to let you go
Because even though you're not here, your the reason I'm still breathing.
I can never put all these feelings into words and if I had the time to write about you all the time, there would be a **** book saga by now and you would pay me out so much for it.
I love you Zane. So **** much. I've never stopped, I don't think I ever will because it's not possible.
Rest in peace my beautiful boy.

I fell in love with you all over again in a hospital waiting room

I fell in love with the deep purple under your eyes
like delicate bruising

I fell in love with the paleness of your lips
from lack of nutrients

I fell in love with the way you moved slowly
and achingly wrapped in a white blanket the color of your skin

I fell in love with the deep crimson of your blood
as it ran through your IV

I fell in love with you again as I laid with you in the hospital bed at 3 am

we’d been there for 10 hours
and you had a little too much morphine in your system
and a lack of sleep
when you pulled me close and said

“I could really see myself marrying you some day”

and that was right before you kissed me with your dye stained lips
so they could see your insides better on the x-ray

I fell in love with you again when you looked at me with your
big hazel eyes that turn black around the edges

You said god had sent me from heaven
An angel to watch over you

I'm not too sure about that but what I do know is:

I Do