on my way to your house
i cant breathe; im close to death
on my way home again
i am alive
seeing your face, my heart nearly gives
but when my face is sitting sideways
on your chest
the world stops
and my breathing is slowed
without the pain
i just want to stay

laying with you is calm and safe
i didn't want to leave today

Every time I look up at you
I have to look away
I can't meet your eyes, love
Because I'm afraid of what you will see

I want to feel my head on your shoulder
And your hand in mine
Not from the lust of some schoolgirl dream
But from the desire to finally feel
Safe and sound.

if i looked like that
would you put another girl off
to come watch me

it's easier not to fall for you
when you're not on my mind
it's harder to ignore when you're
within my line of sight

i hate you
i hate your hair
i hate the jokes i used to laugh at
i hate the pictures that i have
when i see you in them
most of all
i hate that he loves you

your numbers and letters
are frying my brain
with all these equations
im going insane

I should be dreaming of you at night
But I stay awake, for I
Have nightmares to write.

Si no me quieres ver,
Te puedo buscar más facilmente.
Si me digas que no me quieres,
Me hagas sentir mas enamorada de tí.
Me encanta tu cuerpo y tu alma y
Lo odio.
Quiero morir
Pero tus ojos me digan, vivir.

as autumn leaves are falling
and green things turn to gold
so you and i must fall together
from innocent to old

does it ever occur to you
the second best
feels like last place

have you ever thought
that i smile
because its expected

did you ever question why i changed
my name
because im not beautiful enough to fit it

do you ever lie awake at night
and dream of me
like i wish someone would

do you play broken records too?

do you like her
because she wears that black dress
and is sweet and cultured
and thinks she knows best
is it because she has the right grace
and charm
comes from a nice family
looks good on your arm
are you proud to keep her
and say that she's yours
does she kiss you goodbye
do you open her door
is it because she's beautiful
because
that's what you used to say that i was
is she the new beauty
is she the new me

every time i see you
i wonder what it would be like
to be with you
and when i think of being with you
i wonder what it would be like
if you stayed

I know your apple
Is bittered with poison
But I'm addicted to
Just the next bite

my life is like a poem
stuck onto the side of a cold hard fridge
the way my body lays
on the cold hard ground
trying to put the pieces together
in a way that makes sense
so you think that im not hurt
by what im forming in my head
under the sting of the ray that falls
through your magnifying glass
shifting every now and then
to cover up the stains

siento cerca de tí
esperando para que
tal vez me puedes ver
consiguiendo recuerdos
que todavía no han pasado

it's hard for me to say the words
that may turn on me in the end
what seems like soul drawn romance now
may leave me with one less lover and friend
so at least for now i find it hard
to pledge that i'll be true
for fear that i will jinx myself
and seal fate for i and you

******* me dry and leaving me dead
Living a nightmare alone in my bed
With a pounding that's pumping hot in my veins
Sickly and messy and flashing with pain
Trying to resist the kiss that I need
Digging my nails in, postponing the bleed
And it's red and it's sweet and it's making me sick
And it's making me lie and I'm dying to kick
The undead thorn that's hugging me closer
Wrapping around me and whispering "dose her"

when i look at you
no matter who you are
i remember a song
that brings us together
and i smile just
to see your face and remember.

i wonder if you know that you are my hero
and every time i look at you i can't meet your eyes
and it's killing me slowly that you will never know
the pain and love and self i hide
and somehow in your shadow
i lose my ray of light
and yet i stay around you
because i cant imagine life without you
fading in and out of the forefront
crossing the lines you can't even see
like you haven't really noticed me
but that's alright, i think it's better
that i watch from afar
and think of what i wish we were
if only i wasn't last in line
to get a piece of your heart

my words scare me as i take a leap of unwarranted faith
plunging into a world
of typing my soul
and uploading my heart to a world wide web
spun of slivers of respite i can barely reach out my fingers to touch
who will know my words
what will they come to know?
not the girl that sits alone
something different and unspoken
something caged until now

Sometimes I wonder if
When people look at me
They see all the sadness and grief
That the mirror can't show

Maybe you can tell
But maybe it escapes you
That I seem to use smiley faces
Way too often
And that's because looking through
At the things I wish to say
They're way too somber to let you know
And you're way too careless to care about the truth
So it's easier for both of us
If what I really feel
Is delivered-
-and taken-
Like a joke

Nothing worries me more
Than seeing your face and knowing that
You're not all there inside
You're living with a heartbeat but
You're barely alive
You are my beautiful wonderful friend
Torn down to start from the beginning again
And I can feel your pain wondering if it's worth it
To paint yourself into a red corner
Worthless
Not worth the time you spend ticking away
Counting the friends that you're missing each day
Missing in action and drowning in tears
And downing their miseries over the years
Spreading the doses to make it off clean
Not to be judged or hated or seen
As what they think that they see in themselves
Sitting, collecting dust on a hospital shelf
It makes me angry that they're going mad
Does it really matter that the pain is disguised
If they can't see the mercy that's not in your eyes
And a love with which they are never acquainted
They are forgotten and troubled and tainted

I remember
My second year at summer camp
Last summer
An eighteen hour bus ride into the mountains
I remember sitting and listening to the leader one night
Giving us a talk
I was barely paying attention
Until he told us all something
Something I will never forget
He said that the best is yet to come
So every day
That term at camp
I looked forward to the last day
Because surely
Surely then
Would something truly amazing happen
But on the last night, the leader told us something that truly lodged itself in my brain
And I can't think for a second without remembering what it was
I thought he was talking about fun here at camp
But the reality was
He was talking about life
That little sliver of the future that hangs in the sky
When you must look ahead
Not through the mountains, but over
Beyond the clouds that carry the storm
And remember when it hurts the most
The best is yet to come

My legs hurt
From standing alone.
My arms hurt
From holding myself up.
My soul hurts
From feeling on my own.
My mind hurts
From thinking of you.
My heart hurts
From being torn apart.
My eyes hurt
From seeing you without me.
My mouth hurts
From having nothing to kiss.
My hands hurt
From groping to find something to hold.
My life hurts
And yet it goes on.

Dear Refrigerator
You have never let me down
Even when I have emptied you out
And eaten all that I could see
You've taken nothing from me
Even when I forgot to clean you
You didn't complain that I didn't keep you
well
And when I stopped eating
You didn't nag
You didn't share your discontent
But you welcomed me back with open door
When I opened my mouth again

Let me taste your sweet drops on my tongue
****** or thick as you like
Sharp and pointed with bitter fermentation
Dancing through the night
Lick my lips with your bubbly spice
And fill my mouth with the laughter
That comes after solid advice
Memories and late night talks
Of anything within the bounds of space
Energize or sap me but
Your anesthesia don't replace
I love your sugar high so lay
The sugar thick tonight
Anything but alcohol
To keep me from the light

My favorite language is sarcasm
Have you ever noticed how subtly it can be used?
And how much less of an idiot you feel when you can say that you've given a little snigger at a snide comment
It keeps you in the loop
It lacks the grace and elegance of Spanish or French
But for all it's supposed pushing people away from other people
I've just found that it brings a select group of the jaded
Into being the best of friends
You can't ask a girl for her hand
Or tell her you love her
With such a tone as a sarcastic jibe
It doesn't do to tell someone
How beautiful they are
If they question your meaning
And still I love the musical sound of isolating the idiots from the cynically inclined
Because it brought me closer to you

I used to be able to sit
And caress soft strings and sing
For hours
Letting my life slip away
by living through the bars and lines
On a page that I would write
And the notes would calm me like the hug from a father
Like a patch covering a gap
So I didn't hurt myself
Because, after all
The ends of the strings were torn and sharp
And I could have cut myself at any time
But these days
Something has changed
And I can't keep my head in the same place for more than
a few bars
Or a few notes
So I can't finish one song
Before another begins

I hear your voice every time
I hear the song approaching the top of my playlist
And you know, there's a reason I always skip it
I can't bear hearing your voice
Even when I know you're not really there
And the words whispered into my ear
Were never yours in the first place
The song makes my heart beat faster
So much that I just
Want
It
To
End
So I could live in a world without music for once
Without that white noise in the background of my memory
Reminding me of you
Like your life is on replay
A remix intertwined with mine
Four bars of bittersweet harmony take me back
To a time when I knew who I was
I was your girlfriend
Sweet and naive
Turned into a monster I never wanted to be
And that is the reason
I can't bear to hear those four bars
Not for you or for me
For both of us
I stay away

Walking with you like I’m on a sugar high
Climbing this mountain like nothing is tearing me down
Fingers crossed behind my back
I won’t see it coming at me again-
Smile on my face,
You’d never know how hard I’ve hit the ground.

Thought I knew who you used to be
But your face is a mystery staring down at me
And in the blink of an eye, everything can change
That’s why I don’t look away

Throw away the plastic and paper covers with bold photos and bright letters telling you that you
Can always be better.
When did stick thin become more beautiful than curvy?
And when did the human mind become so greedy-
So needy-
That we'd rather see it all than leave
some things to the imagination.
The world wants you to stop believing.
Stop believing that your eyes can sparkle
And your laugh is more than white noise.
They all want to chew you up and spit you out-
A plastic punishment of which a diamond is undeserving.
Keep some of the edges. They keep you unique.
Keep your imperfections, because they are beautiful to me.
Stop trying to see yourself through
the lens of a camera
the reflection of a makeup mirror
the print of a photograph.
You are in the first rays of sunlight that kiss the sky.
Your touch is mysterious and beautiful.
You are mysterious and beautiful.

Would you tell me that I'm beautiful
If I took off all my clothes?
Would that make you feel loved?
Because it makes me feel sick.
My body is beautiful-
But it's not beautiful for you.
It's beautiful for me.

when i look at you i think of all the times you've given me.
you used to be my idol, and not only that
but my best friend
and my twin.
we shared everything from music to pain
and sharing that pain made everything okay.
but then you found another crowd
and suddenly i fell from the highest cloud
to hit the ground.
bitter and hard and cold
and you off with others that were cooler than me.
and with the cool came a chill that froze me.
where were you then?
why did you turn your back?
what made you leave?
there were no more secrets or midnight snacks or sharing pain together (forever, as forever was implied)
i was left to bear it alone.
call me an idiot for picking you up again when the new friends decided they were done with you
but maybe i felt sorry
because, well- now you know what i felt.
and as much as i hate myself for loving you, no one should feel what you made me feel.
not even your worst enemy.
not even your best friend.

I wish I could show you how much I care
But if you've seen the way my face lights up when you walk by
Perhaps you see the beauty there.
I'm afraid to show my dependence...I'm afraid to understand.
I can't bear to look through my mind
I'm not brave enough to hold your hand.
Truly, you can't see me this way. There's no way
That I could mean as much to you.
But maybe you feel invisible too.
Maybe you are as insignificant to me (at least in your mind)
As the beating of human waves on the shores of time.
But if that notion fills your head,
Just keep your hand in mine.
This is a terrible way to express
The beat of my heart, the pounding in my chest
That I feel when I see you.
It's not romantic love-
It's friend love.
And I'm in it with you.
And I will never let you go, I swear
No matter if you can't feel it too
I will love you til the end of time
As long as you can see it through.

I love the way I hate the way you wish that I would smile.
If only you could see that so much has been taken from me
That I couldn't love you for a while.
It took those awkward smiles through the camera to see
That I could love you the way you love me.

It’s hard to tell whether it’s a blessing or a curse
To be around (just in case) someone else needs to talk:
Like a guardian angel, but let me say
After such a long time of putting others before myself
Sometimes I feel like an emergency flashlight
Collecting dust on a closet shelf.
Off to the side until it’s convenient-
But still on the line on the off-chance I’m needed.
And in the lonely hours I sit waiting and glancing at the clock
Waiting for someone to answer my text of “is anyone there?”
I begin to wonder what could be commendable
About being so solitarily dependable.

dark and deadly, you're the snake that lurks in the grass.
waiting to say something pale and ambiguous
with a question mark that hangs in space.
and it's beautiful,
mysterious and capitalized in all lower case.
the way you shy away from the light
reminds me of a child too afraid to have their say.
like the click of my heels against the cold floor
is too good to stay.
like a star-crossed love too toxic to last.
we cling to each
other in lieu of the past.
smirk and i fall to pieces
you're my terror
fate
my weakness.
breath on my face, charge in my veins,
the drug i can't replace.
you're only the latest in line i suppose.
another notch on my belt, i guess
nothing could change the way i've felt.
i can't feel it any less.
the pain is still there but it's numbed
with the thought of who we could be
and what we've become.
together we're only more twisted
but i feel like we hide a piece of ourselves in each other.
we're stranger to others
but lovers together.

I could say that you and I
Were love gone wrong.
But we started as the truth,
And ended as a lie.

No reason for me to be jealous
Of the love that I could see in the ghost of her
That was in your eyes.

It was too familiar to be my reflection.

I can't express all the hurt that I felt
Even when I said goodbye.
You couldn't begin to try
To imagine what you started.

I was the one who started and ended the love affair
With a love that even I knew wasn't there.

But the truth of the matter is-
You had me all along
But I never had you at all.