I hate myself

I am trapped within the walls of my insatiable desires
I grasp the edifice with my bare hands
And attempt to pull myself up with all my strength
But it is hopeless and I rest against the solid wall

With each passing day of rest
The fortitude within me begins to crumble
I can feel the place beginning to collapse on itself
Trapping me in the rubble

Somebody help me

I cannot just rest I need to find the way out
Before this all crumbles down
Stand up and call
Call to those on the outside to come and save you

They don't come quickly enough
The foundation is in near collapse
I give up and try in vain to climb the edifice by itself
But I cannot do it, there is no way I can do this on my own

I'm glad you've finally came

You have come and saved me just in time
You arrived in time and yelled to me to grab your hand
I took hold of your tender hands
And the hands pulled me up with strength that goes beyond mere power

We reached the other end and we slowly walk away
You tell me not to look back and I obey
We move away from the edifice that once surrounded me
I decide to follow you and never turn back

It all went away

The edifice that once existed had disappeared
Not a single ounce of rubble nor remnants remain
The place where it once sat was covered with beauty
A peace enveloped it as trees began to bear fruit again

The pilgrimage out of the edifice
Would be treacherous to even the strongest of travelers
But you made the process seem easy
The hateful foundation that once was there had collapsed but I have escaped it.
Achieving victory in your name

I have learned to love myself through you

I know you're reading this
Not necessarily sure why
If reading it just gives you a peace of mind
Or you just keep trying to hurt yourself

Either way I'm glad
And hope that this finds you
So that you can use it for whatever
Emotional outlet you use it for

When you breathe
Your first breath of fresh air
I am the first color you see
Clothing the world in majesty

I am what brings you joy
Your first steps into the ocean
The color of your first room
That stuffed toy that you loved to play with most
The cute dress you wear on your first date
The eyes of the very first love that you kiss

I am the definition of success
The royals would choose me
People have fought wars for me
It makes me hard to come by
Modern art was made of me due to my delicacy
My color is the banker's choice
In a majority of country's my value on a dollar is the highest

I am despair
That sinking feeling that you try to get out of
The depression that never goes away
Try to grasp something in the melancholy but
Just slip faster and faster
The first color that you see when you become blind

I am balance
The ocean that let's you carefully float
But if not too careful will let you drown
The sky that brings you great joy
But allows you to live in sorrow
So that when you look up you will see it more

I am peace
The final moments of your stay
You lie down and look up for that last bit of fresh air
Close your eyes and take me in
And when you open them you see me again
You look at your love and there I am
You peer at the cool liquid that you sip
And cool off and breathe you last
And the final thing you think as you let the liquid
Cool your tongue and throat at the end of it all:
I am life

When a piece of cloth is torn up
The pieces are separated
The cloth can be torn for many reasons
Abuse, being too frequently handled, neglect, or simply being worn out

When the cloth is torn the pieces drift
Multiple areas that can be difficult to find
Finding the pieces may take weeks, months, years
But the pieces will always be found and sown together again

When they are together though the pieces aren't the same
The pieces have gone to multiple areas and are shaped differently
They take different colors, shapes, sizes and textures
The cloth might not be the same for better or worse but at least the pieces are intact

I don't act the same
I'm nicer than I've ever been
My jokes are sharper
People actually like me now
I'm respected in my community
I'm a leader
I'm an actual Christ follower now
But why am I still here?

I don't look the same
My ****** hair grows faster
I wear glasses now
I've gotten kind of paler
I slick my hair back
I have gray hair
And now I'm balding
But why am I still here?

I don't live in the same conditions now
House is smaller
I maintain it, cook it, clean it, pay it
I don't have people cater to me
I cater to myself and those who live around me
I have my own van
Van is *****
***** is my room which is why I only now clean it
But why am I still here?

Why am I still in this place?
I feel lonely even when I know people love me
I sometimes feel like I'm sinking and no one can pull me out
I'm still angry no matter how hard I try
I still have the darkness inside me
It's trying to overtake me
God can help me but I don't know how

There is a void between us
That I wish I could reach across of
I wish that I could be held once in awhile
I'm kind of tired to doing the holding
What I desire is rest and to not be there anymore
To be called to so I may be comforted so I can comfort
I won't refuse for a second if that happens
I don't want to ask why anymore and instead exclaim, "Thank God!"

I was working at the local McDonald's
In the afternoon and was
Told by my boss that since I disappointed him
On not making the fries salty enough
That he would put me on the midnight shift

So there I am
Taking orders in my little cubicle
Hearing the headphone
BEEP BEEP
"Yes I'd like a whopper, crap wrong place"
*******
I take orders and then work the dishes
Jorge calls out to me whether or not
I took off the pickle in the order by mistake

Night shift comes and the air feels cool
Through the drive-thru window
I feel the night time air caressing
And cooling me
My ******* erecting
Exalting a scent that reminds me of perfume

Afterward I have to take the trash out

As I go out the air hits me
Tackles me as I transfer myself
From inside to outside
I feel the same sensations but yet I hear music
DaDAdadumDAdadumDADADAAAADaDAdum
And I feel the sudden change to fill me with warmth

I go back inside and one of my fellow employees
Comes to me
"You want to see something cool?"
We walk to the back of the store
Where all the fry boxes are kept
And there is a whole in the ground

"I dug this hole and I think I found Mother Earth's ******."
I give him a puzzled look
"Looked, I ****** it earlier man and I've got to tell you.  It's a wild ride."
I begin to walk away
"Look man, these people around here call me The Master man.  I'm your guide through all this.  I'm the closest thing to the Alpha.... Or was it the Omega?....  **** man, I don't know just stick your **** in there."  

I walked away from it
But as I looked at the hole
I felt a certain allure to it
Drawing me in like a Siren calling
Perhaps it could be my Muse
My reason for being
Am I meant to do this?
An attempt at procreating with Earth?
It'd make sense since The Master had made
With love this handcrafted ******

I couldn't resist any longer
Temptation being to strong
I knelt down and inserted myself
Into the hole

At first I felt nothing but a scraping sensation
The sharp rubble of the ground grinding against my flesh
But then it became wet and calm
Almost soothing
I closed my eyes and then I saw her
Earth
Coming toward me and pressing my head against her breast
Calming allowing me to **** the ******
Which let me take in the sensation
Running through me as rapidly as a river
I heard the streams
Calming
The dirt was wet and I could put my feet in it
The wind blew with a lush autumn air
That was when I knew it was almost over
And I soon as the white of winter came
So did I

I removed myself and no longer knew what to think
I went home and slept and mulled over what happened
Over a pancake brunch
With chicken on the side
They go better together than you think

Do you ever think of me much?
I think about you a lot

I remember every time we've been together
I think about the times when you would run out of your house and hug me and told me that you missed me
I think about how you'd make me see those ****** movies that I didn't want to see just so I can understand you more
I think about how you trusted me and let me into your life
I think about what could have happened if I wasn't such a ***** up

I'm a ***** up, not something hard to say
That is quite obvious
I wasn't a very nice person overall
I didn't know how to act sometimes and many moments I should have known better

Known better
Something I think about constantly
I find a girl who likes the Tangerine Bear and turn her into a wreck
Never wanted to get her like this
Even in my hatred I loved her
Still do

But I had good parts to right?
I couldn't have fabricated everything
Not everything could be a lie
If you took away my awful parts would most of me still be left?
I miss you all the time
Don't mean it romantically
I just do
Do you ever try to get rid of the bad parts?
Don't you miss me when you do?
Maybe you do or don't
But I hope you know I do