When you live with the critic
It makes life more difficult
The roommate from hell
Who never applied for the space
Just moved on in
And won't shut the **** up

Looking over your shoulder
Pointing out
Everything your doing that's
Stupid and wrong
Turning the mirror into a
Toxic reflection pool
Telling scary stories
About who you've never been
&
Should have been

Insomnia & anxiety wrapped up
in a gigantic cringe,
a gift, no doubt.


The battle is a finger puzzle
The more you struggle
The more painfully stuck
You become

Continually looping
While trying to make it stop.

And it never does.

I don't listen to the critic much
any more
It comes and goes
And that's okay
With me
In the end
Peaceful acceptance is all I
Try to remember.

Time to take a forest bath
I don't know about you
But it's been a while
Surrounded by silence
The oxygen bar
The dogs chasing chippes
The redwoods dominating
Taking a deep breath deep finally

The dinosaurs were big
But the redwoods are forever.

What are we taking in
That feels so good
So healing to the soul?

The winds in the canopy
The freight train coming
The leaves dancing in the winds
Time to take a forest bath
Time to call yourself even.

Old age
It comes on like a
Typhoon
Hurricane
Ice Storm
Tsunami
War
A natural disaster.

Stumbling
Bumbling
Down on your knees
there Buddy
Humbling.

When I was 12 years old
One Round World
A photo
Elderly folks standing around a Piano
"And they used to call it rocknroll"

Way way far away
here we are now
encased in
memories and mortality.

My trees have personalities
I know I must be going
a little crazy.

The dog wood howls at the moon

The Waxmertyl craves the river

The Monterey Pine flourishes
It'll know me when I die.

The Cybress is a youngin
Not quite sure

Under the plum tree many times I've cried
for all of the innocence inside.

The Elder Berry has an identity crisis
Doesn't know if it's a bush
Or a tree.

I'm not saying their trying to talk to me
And I'm not saying I'm trying to talk to them
I'm just saying
We're all here
Just trying to be.

Momma Momma
Don't let me down
I'm on a road to nowhere
But I'll be back around

Tell your friends
Tell your sister
Your hooked up again with another twister

Momma momma don't let me down
I'm trying so hard
My feet never touch the ground

I'll meet you over at Elk Head
Where the ocean meets the rocks
We'll just watch
The shooting water's
fire works

One on one.

Hoping that something
thrilling
Will come your way
Awaken you to the joy
of living.

I forgive you for everything you've ever done.
I forgive you for everything you might do.

Forgiveness gives me peace

The easiest hardest thing
I ever
have to do.

You crawled into my sheets
To warm me up
But
When you left
You
were
so
Cold.

Come to me now
I will just hold you
I won't say a word
Except to remind you
You're not alone.

The curtain to your past has been lifted
Your storage unit cleared out

In a dream you kissed
Your corpse goodbye
And left her there in peace

In the end your parents were there
filled the van
With contractor bags
The past on the road to the dump.

"We've got it" they said
"You've done your work
Rocky times no doubt
But now you can cruise on through."

Melancholy Unburdened
The delight of lightness
Beginning anew.

The rain is falling
The tops of the trees are swaying
My love is singing
The fire is crackling
The popcorn is popping
A perfect day in every way
All I really want to say
If I could freeze time,
Here is where I would stay.

Misery misery misery
Longing longing longing
Regrets regrets regrets
Doin' the self pity rag

Dragging through the mud
Mired in the dregs
Taking selfies in the mirror
in the bathroom

Raising my arms
Doin' the self pity rag.

Complaining complaining complaining
Why can't reality be
The way I want it to be

Spinning spinning spinning
Doin' the self pity rag

A dust devil
A tumble ****
Blowing down a desert highway
Looking at the ground
No water no sanctuary around
Bowing down
One more time
Doin' the self pity rag.

Coming to the end
Not much else to be done
or said
Except for
Integrity or despair

Always tried
to be the voice in the darkness
Holding a flashlight
Saying
This way.

Sometimes leading to an entrance
Sometimes leading to an exit
Sometimes leading to
No where at all

Tonight in the dark the trees
Are talking to me
The leaves chattering in the imperceptible breeze

Their telling me
But I don't understand

The starlings like a river flew from one tree to another

Their telling me
But I am in awe of their choreography

The redwoods a thousand years old

Their telling me
But speaking from under the soil

The ocean never silent

It's telling me
There is no mercy

The stars endless

Their telling me
I'm here now

This life it's a breath

It's telling me.
And that I understand.

I know I love you
But I can't say why
I know I love you
But I can't say how
I know I love you
But I can't say when

I know I love you
We keep doing another day
again and again.

Have you seen my beloved?
I have been looking for her everywhere

The first time I saw her face
It was the most beautiful flower
I have ever seen
A mandala of perfection
Bringing me absolute peace
How could I not
But love her

She once brought me
Alders swaying screeching in the winds
salmon running
skies Hale Bop eclipse Tahoe clear
She brought me beauty to the sunrise in the sky
Have you seen my beloved?

She always has been the same
Though she's known to be extreme
Shaking the earth I walk on
Sending rising tides
Stilling the wind in the center of a cyclone

She always knew what it meant to dance
Sings every song
The music of the full moon
She once believed life would find a way.
Have you seen my beloved and
Do you know where she is bound?

Her breath has become firey hot and dry
Her tears shed microplastics
Her paths are white with toxic snows
Where is my beloved and what does she feel or know?

She once loved me dearly
Nourished my way
Until the winds began to change
Have you seen my beloved?
And do you know
When she'll return?

Love it
or
Leave it
or
Fix it
or
Be miserable

Which contentment
or
Which misery do you prefer?

Hold'em
or
Fold'em

Honor commitment
or
Cut your losses

51%/49%

Yes
or
No

No
or
Yes

I guess that's the way
It goes.

Fire has all the attributes of life
It reproduces, it feeds, it evacuates
It struggles to survive.

Fire is life
The sun
The stars
Are alive.

They are born
They live
They die

Is consciousness an aberration?

Are the sun and the stars fully conscious
&
What are they thinking about?

Black holes
The great extinguisher
I
Guess they must be death
Get ****** in
Lights out.

The sun is red
The wild fires are Screaming & Howling
Filled with vitality and power

I hear the wood stove singing
On a frozen winter morning
while mother madrone
nurtures her young.

We are invincible
Until we're not
We are immortal until we are forgotten
Discomfort joys
Uphill walks all pass.

Time is a wind
Blowing fast and slow
Time is a wind
Blowing slow and fast

Moments of peace and contentment
is all we can ask.

Truth may be beauty
&
Beauty may be truth

The present is forever the past.

That's all we know
&
Maybe that's all we need to know.

Dissolving all our thoughts  
Becoming one with the night's darkness.

When cooking the mind concentrates,
Washing dishes the mind wanders.

Death was sticking a gun
in the back of my neck
It hurt like hell
I started to beg.

I realized than
If death pulled the trigger
There would be nothing,
The deepest dark
Just like before we were born.

I became totally calm, peaceful
and
content.

Surrender

All that remained
Was a whisper
And the endless silence.
The end of fear.

The dream it knew.

My days were never to be the same.

It's snowing covid
We've all had to take shelter from the storm.

We're wearing gloves & masks
As if it were freezing cold
We can see everyone's breath
Friends lovers strangers
Our own
carrying death.

Dangerous to go to the store
Apocalyptic vibes

We're like magnets staying polar opposites
pinballing around the room
To avoid each other

Total intimacy
Total isolation
Perfect relationships for the 21st Century
Everything's slowed down
Tahoe blue skies
Carbon ****** away
Coyotes running through the streets
The whole planet on furlough
Creative projects
Free at last
The agoraphobics *******
Rich in time
Poor in money
We're reminded once again
Nature bats last.

Ever since it started snowing covid.

Where we're going from here,
We don't know
Wishful thinking
Careful planning
It's all in the cellular snow
And it just keeps on snowing
its been said before
The one thing we do know
There's a bad moon on the rise
But
The seasons come and go
Wars they come and go
And the snow eventually blows away with the winds.

We've come to tell you
We've fallen in love
She's going away with me
We respect you too much
To leave you hanging
You've done so much
But this is farewell
We've fallen in love.

What could I say?
"Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
You've saved my life
Goodbye
Goodbye
I'll see you again sometime
perhaps
Somewhere down the road."

Like a fish out of water
I'm gasping for breath
My heart is a shaking
Like there's a 300 pound ***** dancing on my chest
My hands are a dripping rivers of sweat
My legs are all whobbley
Like walking on drift wood
My stomach is a churning & turning
Like Mr. Toad's wild ride
My thoughts are of failure
And death.

I'd better pull on over
This car isn't driving itself
My hand lets go of the steering wheel my hand's on the door ****
My head is still pounding
rivets of red
I'm heading back to bed
I guess I'm not going out today
again.

The stars are out
The storm has moved on
It was just like the darkest hour
When it all feels so out of control
But now the storm is over
And
Time to relax.

Until the next low
Blows on through.

You say
There are no answers
You bray
Time you catch when you may
You'll end up on your knees
There is nothing else to do
But pray.

I don't want to get home
Too late
There are many obstacles in the way
Romances and dances
Which lead us astray.

Hungry states of mind
Interrupting
Stillness
Calmness
Peace.

She passed out
between the Game Makers
At
The Rancheria's casino
I was playing Bonus Deuces Wild
She was playing a penny a line

Hitting five of a kind on the first play in the continuum
She acknowledged my luck
Then lay her head down between the machines
as if looking for something
She could not find

Time passed
Banging along
Credits up and credits down
I asked her if she needed help
She was comatose
Remembered it far later
Her bottom gum was pink,
Where her teeth
Should have been

We laid her down
I held her head
I forgot 17 years of CPR training
I remembered it later

Her breath would stop
Then sputter back to life
Life trying to find away

Help arrived after a while
Disorganized for a while
and ill prepared
for an establishment frequented with old people and another addict
They
worked hard at it
got the hang of it
brought her back to life several times

It didn't matter
Emily dressed in black leotards
Balancing a drink tray
told me about her a while later
She had been alone
grieving,
an anyuerism
She died.

My CPR
wouldn't have mattered

But before I left that afternoon
I told Security
I didn't mean to be crass or crude
Or
sacrilegious.

But could he please push the button
To get my ticket
I had money in that machine

He said to me
I guess we're all lucky today

I know what he means
heading out the doors
To the sun and the winds.

How is it being you?

Everything ok?

Up or down
In or out

Feeling forlorn
Intimate with sorrow
Or
Dancing on rainbows
With love in your eyes

Struggling with aging
Or
Far too young

At the intersection
Of
Sanity & Madness


On a streak
In a slump
Is your next move
The right one
Or
The wrong one

Sometimes we just gotta have the space
To
Think these things through.

How is it to be you these days?

Frustrations
Dilemmas
Chronic pain
Or
Smooth sailing all the way

If you check on in
What would you say
How is it to be you these days?

They give you the wings
To fly,
Music makes you smile
Allows you to glide
Allows you to cry

The old man with the dementia
sings along with every lyric
He remembers from the prom

Music takes the mood
turns it into something new
Blows the emotional weather
everywhere

Music gives you Grace
Takes you into it's embrace
Songs say what you mean
reveal what you see
reveal what you've seen

Every break up
Every getting together

God comes and goes
in gospel tones

Every one knows
About war and peace

The rhythm of the heart
is the music before sleep
The sound track of our lives .

My life is an onion peeled by time
An artichoke one leaf at a time
The heart of the matter lays within
Where the tears, the love and acceptance reside.

Have you ever had a Dusty Baker year?
We're talking baseball for a moment here.

Went from .320
To .230
Forty homeruns to three

Every decision made was the wrong one
Every one you should of made
You never did.

Reoccurring themes pop up
Like fireworks on a low cloud night sky
Your dancing on fire
Burning up inside

It was all so right for a while

Now out of the groove
Out of the zone
It all feels so wrong
A Dusty Baker year if I ever saw one

They all kind of end in the end
But every time
You leave that man on third
When you coulda sworn that curve ball
Was going to be outside

It makes you wonder
If it's going to begin again
Now.

"Hello
My name is Robin
I'm an alcoholic
I'm a drug addict too
'May cause drowsiness '
I'm coming for you

I used to be sexually addicted
****** from the Motel 6
On Hollywood boulevard

Long nights
One more web site to go

I'm a compulsive gambler
'The game ain't over
until
The cigarette money is gone'

QVC & Christianity
They had my number
The fourth bankruptcy was denied
My parents, they had died
Where does salvation come from
anyway?

Ran a rehab
Functional as a goliath
Never had any excess funds
Ran the fine line between
playing it straight in supermarkets and certifibile madness
The oldest living road show in America

I'm ready to turn my life over
I surrender
I thought I knew it all
My best thinking got me here
I don't know much about anything
I'm ready to learn about everything."

Smoking
Pacing
Thinking

Talking to the poet
You never know
He can be cruel sometimes
Funny other times
Crude
Convoluted
Compassionate
Delusional
Banal

Repeating his cliches
Over and over
Controlling like a blackberry bramble
"Time to write this down"
"Put it up"
He says like some kind of
*******

We walk
We pace
I smoke

We sit in the sun
He's a stoner & a drunkard
Sometimes it's the ocean
Sometimes it's a lake
Sometimes it's the backyard
Alders trembling

We stare off into space
And wonder
what's next
He disappears forever
He reappears down the road

Best friend
Worst roommate
Couldn't live without him
He writes these poems in a composition book
Progress notes
States of mind
Whatever it is he's trying to find

We talk
We pace
I smoke

Tomorrow
We'll do it all over again
Like it was the first time.

I lost the feeling of gravity
It doesn't mean a thing
The roots dangle
mid air
levitating

No tether
No anchor
No top
No bottom
In space no one to hear you
If you scream.

Floating mid air
An airplane
All those lives
All those problems
They seem so small

Flapping so hard to
stay above it all

Flying these miles inside
Being mistaken for a guide
Pointing out
This or that
Through landscapes alien
But still Mother Earth

Familiar but many
endless
unfamiliar
Currents
riding the winds
Like hallways poorly light
No red exit sign
Each stop a different apartment
Inside

A history all our own
From the pictures on the walls
To the memories in the drawers

Everyone so unique
Everyone so much the same

It's enough to make a
person try to
do a graceful landing when
coming back down to earth.

She lives this life
As if she had lived it before
Nothing surprises her
Nothing throws her off her stride.

Sure
she has places she goes to hide
In her mind
Dark.
The craving she keeps in the basement
Darker still.

She knows already
Our shadows are everywhere
Hiding in the walls.

She knows everything.

She walks in the redwoods
The canopy above
The ferns below
Green in the light
Dogs running all around
Putting out her arms
Palms up
And wondering
"Why?"
While her heart aches
For all the innocence
Inside.

Compassion
Encouragement
Enlightenment
The story's not written until the day we die.

The illusion of immortality
Makes us waste so much time

She already knew the end
She had walked this way before.

I wonder what I'm doing
I wonder who I'm being
I wonder where I'm going

I've asked these questions so many times
The answer is never forthcoming

Wake up every morning
****, shower and shave
Put on the mask and join the parade
Numbness if you can find it
Has its rewards.

It's a difficult complex dance
Particularly when your mind and body
Don't understand choreography
Though dancing as fast as you can

The moves you ought be able to master, but never do

We're all doing
the daily stumbling Can-can.

Goodnight Moe
It was good to know you,
found you in the rickety Virginia City
wooden shelter
alone, staring sadly out at the world
so small,
I guess you could call it a rescue.

Once the puppy stacking wild mustang poops on the front deck
Running wild with the coyotes
You always were a scrapper
When eye contact made,
Your half hour battle with Bingo on a frozen Nevada night
Slipping  on the snow and ice.

The night you walked by my side
When the blizzard came
Keeping me from falling down that hill
when I was sliding, how'd you know?
Goodbye Moe
It was good to know you.

Waking us up with the first light of dawn
Sticking your nose
Into my tears
Licking away my sorrows
Curled at our feet on a cold winter night
Chasing  the cougar
Up the Tamarack tree
When the wild purple onions were blooming
You always had that faster second speed.
Now your legs can hardly hold you
And when the puppy came
You were big daddy
Patient and teaching a young one how to be
As you taught me
Goodbye Moe it was good to know you.

Well, now that puppy is probably
Going to outlive me, outlive you,
And now that the volume of your hearing has been turned down
The thunder and July 4th no longer send you panting
You were always to big to be a lap dog.
Now silence is all you know

Far away from those Virginia City
Mountain days
Everything changes
Everything passes
Time spins around
Our days and our nights.

Now hobbling along Dry Lagoon
Where the big waves curl
You stand bewildered and confused
But when you see me you know which direction to go.

The night is coming
We know that
Better head on home

Goodnight Moe it was good to know you.

How did I end up here?
I asked the darkness
There was no response

How did I end up here
I asked the sun
Fell asleep in its heat
There was no response

Running down to the river
I fell to my knees
The river talked non stop
But I couldn't understand a word

I ran to the ocean
to find the heart portal
at the last log
Though I looked
I could not find it anywhere

Drove the long desert valley to the petroglyphs
Ten thousand years old
Written in a language
I would never understand

The full moon rises eclipses and moves on
I open my mind
How did I end up here I ask
In the dark silence of the rising sun
desert red
By the river running to the ocean
There is no response
Again.

Don't look at her
She knows you
Sitting in the back of the casino
Where only the **** addicts hide
Like some AOD group
The facilitators crack wise
While the ****** addict with the
Coffee cup in her hand closes her eyes
Never spilling a drop.
Everyone is always "tired".

Vice has an anthem singing until dawn
The private places people go
One more round of chips and dip
Naked bodies on the phone
Chug chug chug
Fasting until spaghetti size
Hoarders howling as the garbage man rolls down the block

Human minds oh so twisted
Try to straighten it all out
The promise of abundance
Pockets full
Ending up in the suicidal parking lot walk when it all becomes too real

Vice is nice, asks you to come right on in, never says no as long as you have the dough re me.

Don't look now
It's looking at you
Knows you far too well.