last night was intense
hint of smoke
and smell of
cigarettes

a few
glasses
of wine
equals
a bad me
having
a good
time

i say i hate pain, yet i dwell on it.
i am a self-confessed hypocrite.
living for destruction of one's self.
not living for me but for someone else.

this makes self-hate sound artistic.
trust me, it's definitely not.
didn't ask to become this.
change sorta happened.

i am not my old self.
that part of me is on the shelf.
in the body of someone else.

kiss my lips after dark
let's drink til' we're lost
two kids madly in love
needing each other
like they'd need a drug
the passion is enough
to take em' places
different positions
different paces
different levels
of the same rush
through their veins
you are deadly but fine
like the purest *******
your lips intoxicate
it's like drinking
the finest wine

love; we're all addicts.

i'd give you a night
to remember
if i had the chance
to be a sinner
careless
for one
night
i bet
you think
of the same thing
but perhaps not
maybe all this lust
has gone to my head
affecting me more
than the **** i smoke
or the alcohol i consume
maybe i just want you
maybe i just need to
lay here and love you
kiss you, adore you
bite you, cherish you
maybe i should
give you what
you clearly want
a night to feel
absolutely
needed
and loved
i swear
i'm not high
just a little
off my head
wishing i
could fulfill
your every need
your every desire
take you higher

the taste of your lips
is something I miss
I guess you can say
that's one of my
darling sins

I say I don't love you
but in reality, I do
I mean, I need you
otherwise I
wouldn't be
so jealous
over someone
touching you

I don't like games
but the thrill of it
makes me play

people tell me that i gain from pain
some kind of desire from torture
whether from bite marks
which make me bleed
or from a lover
that dominates
when in bed

part of me can't function
without some kind of release
that only pain seems to fulfill

i guess i have a masochistic personality
a need to feel what i can't usually

i struggled with self inflicted hurt too
when nothing else was available to me
created marks and scars to fill my heart
with increased satisfaction
i am the canvas
which is my art
my body tells
a thousand
little tales
of a girl
lost in
confusion

makes me feel so alive
the memories carved
and painted on

i love with all of me
or else it would
not make sense

you love someone
as a complete whole
or nothing at all

protect their heart
from any damage
don't break trust
give them faith
as well as hope

not a fan of falling
but for true love
i'd do anything
to keep you here
away from all
the insecurities
which haunt you
from past experiences

love is more than
feelings and soulmates
it's about finding
the second piece
of your heart
to make it
complete

you're my college sweetheart
your heart, a piece of art
my fairytale love
my dream crush
had my eyes
on my prize
for a really
long time
and now
i get
to call
him
mine

we burn bright like stars,
combined like two pieces,
of the same heart,
that was art itself.

we share so much,
between each other,
an adrenaline rush,
i wish to feel it,
forever and ever.

the moon ain't got nothing on us,
not even the sun can blind us,
with those strong rays of light,
we burn harder than fire,
nothing can burn us out,
got that super spark,
stronger than fire,
lighter than water.

my boyfriend.

he's like the pen
to my notepad

the pie to
My cherry

the warmth
to my cold

the apple
to my eye

breathless when
he takes a pen
and draws on
my sensitive skin

he draws butterflies
outlines them
like tattoos
he makes art
seem so beautiful
his creative flair
is so full of ambition
how he traces prints
on my skin

so gentle yet I feel it
the love of my life
is such a passionate
artist

Dedication
Love bitten
*******
Infatuation
Pure but deadly
Still, it's reality
Love is a drug
Love is a need
That's what we crave
In this time of age
A bit of heaven
A bit of hell
Like putting a coin
Into a wishing well
We take and give
That is a part
Of our design

read my lips and mind
breathe me in like
cigarette smoke
please filter out
the unhappiness
the unwanted cells
in my heart's
blood
do it
good

cleanse my soul
of negativity
detox my brain
help me take control
of my positivity
and cool vibes
help me feel
alive and well

please numb me down
I need relief
take my crown
I can't breathe
just tell me
that I'm a fool
say it softly
as I drown
in this pool
of love

drown me in this pool
in this pool of love
stain me like you're blood
ruin my white party dress
you ain't seen nothing yet

take my heart, break it
take my mind, read that
take me, just gracefully
as I lose my head
as I lose my mind
to these thoughts
so unkind
break me
I need you to
do it carefully
I trust you, baby

heavenly eyes.
dangerous lips.
smile like an angel.
eyes like the devil's mistress.
get lost in my eyes.
like a dark forest.
lose yourself.
let me steal your heart.
let me show you my ways.
my ways of manipulation.
my ways of influencing passion.
heart craves more than tiny sins.
it craves a love stronger than wars.
a love so strong it pours out.
out of your beating chest.

it hurts a little to be apart
but it's for the very best
we drove each other
to the arms of
someone else

we became what we never wanted to be

S T R A N G E R S

not even friends
just bitter ex lovers

we destroyed ourselves!
all for the sake of love
we gave a lot of
our fragile
minds
hearts
souls

love became a drug
it was a sick habit
and now we're at war
i am now a recovered addict
but the side effects
really ****** me up
they will affect me
for the rest of my life

now when i see your face
i feel a sense of disgust
it's like holding
a ***** needle
nothing but
endless problems
constant complications

R E C O V E R I N G

from the scars left
on my heart

from the thoughts
of love suicide

from the emotions
i always felt
before and after
our love died

luckily, i survived
the wrath of love
and addiction
which was so unkind
so unpleasant
so disgustingly
permanent

can't speak because
there are no words
I have no voice
my heart kind of hurts
I do not see clear
I live in constant fear
I cry my tears
they spill out
like my guts
just damaged goods
I can't accept adoration
I've always had to fight
for a lover's affection
I am not used to this
that's the reason
I pretend that
real heartbeats
don't exist
that it's all
a plot twist
a way for us
to get ****** in
into believing
that love makes us

sinderella was a nickname
because i was the sinner
and unlike cinderella
i was not a charmer

i was the known kid of sin
doing bad to make a livin'
never the girl scrubbing floors
i was the girl looking for new drugs
keen to experiment with death
and the guy i fell in love with

i wasn't a princess in disguise
or a servant dressed in rags
i was the troublemaker
in her fishnets & leather
wearing less than a dress
even during winter nights
drinking whiskey to fill me
to keep me warm as i
walk in the big city

stiletto heels and dark make-up
with a cool NYC diamond jacket
swarovski crystal encrusted
with chanel nails
a mcqueen bag
with my drugs
& all that ****
a wallet for
my few dollar bills
even though i
get drinks for free
because i'm young
attractive, little
darlin' me