Sinai: Favorites

Dec 2013 Sinai

R

its been a month
since a blade has touched my skin,
and as i was taking a shower,
i shaved my legs and
i accidentally nicked myself.
i watched as blood
dripped down my leg.
i looked at in awe,
i know i miss the feeling,
maybe one more scratch wouldnt hurt?
but, thats where i stopped,
i didnt try to nick my leg again,
i didnt let the thoughts get to me,
i won.

another day down,
a whole life to go.
{dear god that sounds awful, huh?}

Dec 2013 Sinai

Blankets

Dec 2013 Sinai

Daniel Magner

Blankets

Before anything
they kept me
warm,
then protected me
from imagined monsters
and harm.
Later they held my
passion
and a person in addition,
now they wrap
my toes and get pulled
over my head
where I sit in sorrow
with an
empty
bed
.

Daniel Magner 2013

Dec 2013 Sinai

Maybe I Love You

Dec 2013 Sinai

Lee

Maybe I Love You

May be I love you.

Or maybe I just love the idea,
Of pressing hard into you,
On cold nights,
When the room’s dark,
and all you can see,
is our panting and labored breathe.
The stink of sweat and clenched fists.

Or maybe I just love the idea,
of drunken mistakes,
on unmade beds,
when whole worlds on fire,
and all you can smell,
is the sweet pitch and sap of smoldering clothes .
The stink of sweat and clenched fists above it all.

Or maybe I just love the idea,
of old age spent alone,
on creaky porches,
when all my senses have faded,
and I can’t love anymore of this world.
Is the end always found alone, in places like this?
The stink of sweat and clenched fists above it all, fighting to the end.

Or maybe all of these things,
but then again,
maybe I love you.

Dec 2013 Sinai

Nelson.

Dec 2013 Sinai

charlie

Nelson.

I never wanted to see you hurt,
never crying, never unzipping your skin.
And I've only seen one of the two.

I said I loved you the month after we met and I meant it.
Because when you fall in love you do it hard.
And I wanted to have that feeling,
Never underestimating the feeling in your gut,
And I was okay with hurting you. For I didnt intentionally.

The night you fell in love with her you told me you never wanted to touch her,
But you also never wanted to loose her.

The night you lost her you cried to the heavens praying she'd come back...
And I still see you do it from time to time.

When you fell in love again, she said she wanted to *******, and that you could be on top, and my god did that ruin everything.
She unzipped her skin in the shape of a y exposing herself to you, but not in the way she wanted.
You did not pray for anything this time.

I said I loved you in my room, when I was blackening my insides, when I heard you say I love you too.

You wrote your first poem about the girl you liked yesterday, and I screamed at you.
For it wasnt about me.
But I saw you pray for the first time in months,
And I never seond guessed who it was about.
It wasnt about me,
or her
It was for you.
Because your getting weaker and I can see it. Because whenever you speak you speak in thorns, your voice doesnt perk up with laughter and baby giggles as it did before.

And I saw you do unzip your skin for the final time.

Dec 2013 Sinai

Leaves

Dec 2013 Sinai

Lisa Zaran

Leaves

I went looking for God
but I found you instead.
Bad luck or destiny,
you decide.

Buried in the muck,
the soot of the city,
sorrow for an appetite,
devil on your left shoulder,
angel on your right.

You, with your thorny rhythms
and tragic, midnight melodies.

My heart never tried
to commit suicide before.

Dec 2013 Sinai

Bracing Myself For Tomorrow's Presentations

Dec 2013 Sinai

AJ

Bracing Myself For Tomorrow's Presentations

I'm so angry.
I really am.
You are college students.
You think you could tastefully
Complete a project on eating disorders.
I very well know that
Demi Lavato is a beautiful woman.
Is that honestly all you can say?
How could you possibly romanticize this issue.

My throat burns because of the acid.
My teeth are ****.
I brush them three to five times a day.
I lock myself in the guest bathroom in the building
So that I can ***** in private.
I can eat a whole loaf of bread in three minutes.
When I was in high school
My mother tried to force me to eat breakfast.
So I filled multiple gallon bags
Of cereal and rotting bagels and toast.
I don't eat meals with people.
I bring a take out container to my dorm
Once a day
Stuffed to the limit with food.
And I eat it in ten minutes.
And then I *****.
And sometimes I cut
And sometimes I sleep
But I don't even cry over it.
I itch my legs at family meals
Because taking another bite seems unbearable.
It's not something I care to discus.

To tell me that men can't have eating disorders
And that women are the only important ones.
I am a woman
But that makes me feel even sicker than my ED.
Ana and Mia are pansexual.
They don't care who you are
And they don't care if you hate them.
They will become your best friend
And they will stalk you
And destroy you
And they don't give two *****
If you're asian, white, male, or 300 pounds.
It's still a big deal.
I don't care if you have a BMI of 0 or 100.
It's still important.
It's still a big deal.
And you're offensive.

Dec 2013 Sinai

Heavy

Dec 2013 Sinai

Elise

Heavy

you always said I lived right beneath your collar bone
straight above your heart,
not in it but over it
I was only the supporting weight of one of your shoulders
I think I forgot to tell you that you were both of mine
but I also feel you missing right at the center of myself
I let you take up too much space

Maybe you replaced me by now
you're whispering your secrets to some other girl
or boy
at any rate someone who isn't me
or maybe you just put in a slab of iron in
I wouldn't blame you
it would be much easier to deal with than I am

is it even socially acceptable to cry in the shower over someone who hasn't contacted you in three weeks?
Is that okay?
I think I'll do it anyway
The worst endings are the slow ones
that drag out for weeks or months or years
the ones that leave you wondering how one person can leave your life without a trace
I would do anything to breathe the dust of your skin again
you didn't even leave me that much

I miss you
the way that you feel deep within yourself
I told you that once
I don't remember what you said
but it wasn't what I wanted to hear

I love you
and not the kind you think
the kind that makes me smile at your voice
and the kind that makes me feel safe in your presence
the kind that makes me want to sit next to you in silence and listen to you breathe
I love you as a human
and don't get me wrong
kissing you was great
but I would take it all back
just to have you here
not with me
but next to me

It gets heavy all alone

I have a terrible habit of missing what has left

Dec 2013 Sinai

Blue

Dec 2013 Sinai

Emmy

Blue

Tired talk of better days
Dreams I had but can’t seem to remember
Escaping my mind, drifting at sea, all these thoughts of you and me
All I see is a dark hue, blue, blue, blue
Sing to me softly, love, your lullabies for yesterday
Promise to always have your hand in mine, throw me a line
Catch my broken, and heal the hurt
All I see is a dark hue, blue, blue, blue
Fade into the sorrow, and whisper softly, tell me of a better tomorrow
Hold me, and stay, please, just stay
All I can see is a dark hue, and love, it’s all blue, blue, blue.