You are not scared of the dark
You're scared of the shadows
It's a fear of the unknown
And that's pretty normal

You are not afraid of heights
You're anxious of falling
And it would be kind of stupid if you did
So that's pretty normal

You don't hate love
You fear not being loved back
Humans are not lone creatures 
So it's pretty normal 

It's not that you are scared of trying again
You just don't want to fail
For the same reasons 
So that's pretty normal 

Im scared of not being in control
Afraid of not having options
She's scared of spiders
We are all afraid of something

So she's a chicken if she doesn't jay-walk
And he lost the dare for excessive shots
We are not afraid of dying 
But rather we fear what comes after?

That's pretty normal

Remember when you carved your name into the tree in the courtyard
Thinking it would last forever 
It was uprooted when the house got separated into half 
Because two families could not live together 
And the baby who you held and loved
Grew to hate you
The relative his mom spoke so much of 
All bad things
All one sided 
The nan who once wanted to hide you in her hug 
So they would leave you behind 
Sent you on your way 
Miles and miles so far
The friend your made
The one you met at every party 
And promised to keep in touch with 
Got married and you both got lost in your lives
People built houses on the cornfields you ran in that night 
The open fires that once fascinated you 
The tv missing from every home 
A way of living that you admired
Turned into gas cookers 
And tuning into the latest serial 
The village dwellers sought the city life 
Of technology and comfort 
And the community life was dismantled 
Relations distorted 
All in the name of progression

I survived today on the thoughts of you alone
How you are both the quiet
And confusion in my life
You're still uprooting me
Even when you're not here
I'm in love with being alone
I love the knife
The pills
The silence
The wine
The empty your arms couldn't hold
The mansions your greedy fingers traced on my bare skin are still here
I'm in love with the gentle push of the wind
And I can tame the beast howling within me
I've learned your most impressive magic trick
Promises
Forever you told me
And your eyes the magic mirror
Made me believe
So I promise myself the world
I promise that what I felt was nowhere near love
I promise to find myself
But I'm still looking for my magic mirror

I have been writing out my love story for a long time
Thinking my heart was an original flame
The first of its kind to burn
The first to extinguish so terribly
I've wanted to differentiate myself
To carve out my happiness
And write my name all over it
The cult of the individual is alive
And I want to be the protagonist
I want an entire novel
A series
And I want it all to matter

I stayed quiet
Just silent
What is left to say
I have nothing to prove
And if you don't believe me
Well it shows how much you know
I have no justification
Just that it happened
No apologies
I don't think I did anything wrong
And yeah I'm stubborn
I won't argue my point
It's the silent rebel in me
That gets to you the most
So try to figure me out
Analyse all that made me who I am
I'm a puzzle
Who wishes to remain a mystery
Even to myself

The rays of sun
Brought a new day
But the laden skies
Blocked its way
The flag hung lifeless
The world scurried away
Not a soul to be seen
As shelter was sought that day
Finally the clouds gave out
And truly the heavens opened
Down gushed the rain
A mercy and a blessing
Lovers took advantage
And opened umbrellas
Some danced in the rain
As others held hands
And ran to seek warmth
That's how it began
A day that would be remembered
Your very own cliche moment
When you both existed and no one else

Come forward Ramadan
I await your arrival
The hearts are ill
And they need to be cured

Come and spread your joy
Of double rewards
As heavens doors open
And prayers are answered

Show me all I have to be thankful for
And help me think of the needy
Those who go without food or water for days
And yet still how my Lord provides

Come and show me
When Satan is locked away
Am I being tempted
Or are these sins force of habit

Ramadan come
And remind us of our purpose
Surround us with a humble atmosphere
Where brothers and sisters unite

Dawn till dusk
I will not simply starve
But be on my best behaviour
No foul language or thinking the worst of someone

I will join the congregation
At each and every prayer
Speak kindly
And spend more time with my family

In the month of God's mercy
I will try my best to please
Become a better person
And carry through these deeds

I'm his rebound love
He likes me but he wouldn't have chosen me
I'm good but not good enough
I'm the one he's looking at but not the one he sees
I'm the one he's with but not the one he wants
I picked up the pieces but he wants her to put him together again
I'm his rebound love
Waiting for her to take him away

In hindsight
Having you was the most reckless thing I have ever done
There wasn't any space inside of me
To love the way a mother should
The way a child deserved
Before I held you in my arms
I dreamt of standing on the edge of a cliff
And letting myself fall
I see myself in your eyes
And I resist the tug that pulls me away
Grasping for reasons to stay
A big part of me foolishly hoped
That you would become my purpose
Or absolve the loneliness
But you are my punishment
To whom I am held accountable
Another place that I fall short
My arms are too cold
For someone as warm as you
My breaths too shallow
For someone who is so full of life
I fear one day
In a spontaneous moment
I'll pay heed to the voices
And move on
Sometimes I tell myself that it would be my gift to you
To rid you of me
Allow you the gift of childhood
The innocence of youth
The forgiveness of time
You will be blessed with forgetting I ever existed
I dream that another will hold you close to their chest
And you'll stop crying
I wake up sobbing at the darkness lurking within me
To do to you what ruined me

Singers sing about it
And writers write,
painters paint
Creative versions
     of love.

Memories expressed
Pain suppressed
Blurred lines between this love
and a torturous punishment
of the treacherous kind.

A testing trial of doubt
mistrust and frayed strings.
A problem of the heart to which there is no solution.

They've tied their happiness with another,
and risked a ruined life of
Half fulfilled wishes
and broken dreams.

Even in victory there is the cloudy feeling of loss
a sense of dimming hope
Wafting fumes of that last chance
blown
          out... . .

Wallowing in self-pity
wanting to rekindle that flame
and return again to reclaim

Your heart.

I have laid awake more times than I care to share
The world has passed me like a stranger
I watch myself from second person
And everytime I cross the road I glitch in the middle
For a long time I thought it was fear
Until I realised it was regret
I stand and stare at the cars whizzing by
And I wonder why I was left behind
Had it been me behind the wheel
And had I known that impact is not immediate nor physical
I would have returned
I would have wanted to reverse and finish the job
Instead of leaving a soul lingering
With no answers
Or closure
Or a way forward

God came one day to Abraham
Saying Abe my son I have this plan
See all these stars up in the sky
To your kin folk I will give life

So Abraham being a righteous man
Had two sons all in Gods plan
But being old he and his wife couldn't wait
So he laid with a female slave

Miracles from above
Ishmael and Isaac grew up
But a test came for his love
God had asked for his trust

Hagar was left behind
As father and son travelled the dessert
Where he had been called to testify
How he could pioneer and turn to right
Bring civilisation to God's light

Now we all know the test was passed
Or we wouldn't be here today
Speaking of the saviours who brought us to God's way

From Abraham came his sons
The messengers forever honoured
In Christianity, Judaism and Islam
Jacob, Moses, Elijah and Jonah

Zechariyah, John, Soloman and Noah
From them came Jesus and Mohammed
So we say peace be upon them all
And peace be upon this world

United we stand
For our ancestors were one
From the same blood we began
For the same Lord we bow...

Sometimes I wonder, if you could
What it take for you to rise with happiness
And together for us to dance on your grave?
What misery ailed you so much
That you swayed to your own demise?
To suffer is a turn in life
But even after you died, did you truly find peace?
Because I didn't

Trace the shadows of where the joy in the journey still thirsts inside you
Taste the red truth in the ribbon of your tongue
I want you to see the cloak over the song of your heart
Isn't it a mercy that the city is unaware of your dreams?
I'd tell you there's freedom in the way your future lingers as it walks the aisle
And it can meet only you
So don't be discouraged
If the night sets
And the dawn comes
Time and time again
Want only the sky
The heavens will open
For they were made for you

A desolate worldly journey
To a barren land
Of echoing silence
Suffocated with peace.

Retail therapy
To distract me
From my worries
Shop till I drop

On the way home
Arms heavy with bags
A mind heavy with guilt
And a heart worse off

Counting my total expenditure
Money I haven't got
Now I worry about
My next statement
And how I'll pay it off

In this competition called life
Its a dog eat dog world
And the other candidates
Strive to fight *****

Sometimes its not
What you know
But who you know
That will get you known

You're just not good enough
Next to someone who
Doesn't sleep so rough
And has the right kind of blood

His dad is an engineer
And the mom's a lecturer
Grandpa is a hotshot lawyer
And no one you know even has a career

She went back
To the mouth of danger
Tempted the fates
Put her sanity at stake

Risk is half the strength
Love is mostly reckless
Second nature habits
Hurt is what you become accustomed to

'O believers'
Pray
Pray my love stays safe
That happiness
And health
Follow her like a plague

It is the stubbornness of
A lover
For the sake of his love

She is the direction of my soul
The purpose for my prayers
The one who makes me whole

Give me your word!

If it wasn't for the compassion
Of my Lord
Then what would happen
To people with a fate like mine

What would happen
To the helpless
Without the mercy
And guidance of God's cover

Then this pauper
Would be deprived of her smile
I would not be and
This flower would not grow

I would not taste
The sweetness of love
Feel the beauty of this world
And wish love upon everyone
Like a precious gold
You have to know

So I give alms in her name
Cherish every moment
Hold hands
And use her fingers
To count my prayers
Like rosary beads
Sharing the good deeds
Because she is the answer
To a prayer answered
Before I even asked

*Paradise together is my ultimate prayer

All around me I see daily
Trivial how are you's thrown about,
As people rush by
not awaiting a reply.

Lift my head and plaster a smile,
Fine thanks, you?
Just going through the motions,
Of social emotions.

Sit surrounded by people,
All staring at a screen,
Dialling digits or far away in their dreams,
Or so it seems.

So I plug in my headphones
to drown out the drones.
The traffic was awful,
The weather drowned you in misery.

I let it embrace me,
Allow the rush hour crowd to carry me along,
Avoiding eye contact and becoming one,
I wonder if others feel what I can see.

Do they too long to flee?
To a happier destination,
Free of a routine,
Where cheery friendly hello's echo,
and a wave accompanies.

Where people have a bounce in their step,
And passion in their eyes,
A soft hum upon their lips,
and so like this: the time flies.

Swept away by the shadow of impulses
In the darkness of dreams
You make me break all my rules

Sometimes I wish I can run away
Go missing
Disappear
Sometimes just for a few hours
Other times for days
When my head starts to hurt
And the people get too much
I don't want to be seen
Perhaps I'll be by myself
Perhaps I'll meet people that don't make me spin
Don't make me overthink
Don't repeat the same **** thing

I've only known you for 3 years
There's so much you don't know
Only scratching the surface
Friendship pleasantries
All I tell you are the pleasantries
Sometimes the dark gets too much
The past gets too deep
And sometimes I lose myself in it
I want to talk
I want to be with you and forget
But it's like my lips have sworn an oath
And I don't know how
Or where to start
Worse
How to deal with your reaction
So despite our closeness
I bear it all alone
All the sad and ugly kept inside my stomach
I don't know how to hide it at its peak
When the eyebags are pools
And I bleed from my fingertips
When my body trembles
And my lips are sore
So I hide from you
It's easier this way
Easier to say my battery died
And my charger broke
Sometimes I raise a shaking finger
To your contact on my phone
Stare at the delete button
But you're a good friend
And I love you
So I wait it out
Untill I surpress everything from the time before you
Untill I can smile and see you

This is why
I disappear from time to time

What if you don't want to be saved
You want to live outside the box
And you would rather the bubble be popped
Not have to claim ignorance
Living in the naïve land
Of innocence

Its tempting
And sometimes its a better option
But reality should not be an illusion
Racism and freedom
Class divided systems
To chase the dream
Or see reason

Where are the black barbie's
And who's your boss at managerial
Minority controlling normality
Scapegoats and state treason
Sacrificial lambs of the season
Corporate crimes with no repercussions

Why is black history
A month set aside
Equality or special treatment
Raising awareness or reinforcing difference?

Conform to standards
Tick box rules and regulations
Invasions of privacy
For your health and safety
Treated like guilty suspects
Looking to incriminate

Social norms and subjective realities
Powers of authority
Puppets of the same ideologies
Filtered through hierachies
And you become a product of the system

A convenient but replaceable minion

Fajr passed by as I slept on
Zuhr was lost in a day's work
Asr got skipped as I sipped my tea
Maghrib flew by as I photographed the sunset
Isha was added to the forgotten list
And there I lay at night tossing and turning
Wondering why peace escapes me?

Like the tears of a prisoner at night
I miss you in private
Behind closed doors
And shut eyelids
I miss you like the dreams of the poor
That never go further than the roof of my house
It's been years
And my sounds have been silenced
Like a radio left on
Whilst you sleep
They think I have forgotten you
Like the death of a bird
Or a flower in the snow
But only I know
Of the void between my words
And the coldness of my fingertips

Save me
From the pretty
Innocence of her eyes
The deception in her smile
They make it easier to fall
No doubt would cross my mind
She speaks lies
And truth she hides
Save me
From the way I am blind
Reveal the mask
With a spoonful of wise
Make me realise
I had fun
With a disguise
We rode out all the highs
Reached the skies
And she switched sides
Changed lines
But strings me along
Cos she knows I still pine
Save me
Make me see the sign
Neon bright
Letters out of line
Burnt out lights
A befitting sight
She can't be mine
If that glass
Still contains wine
I heard it all last time
It trickled down the grapevine

I'm sorry
That I let the pain
Twist me into someone new
Someone wrung out and tired
Wary hearted
Using distance as protection
But I was once fooled
For my love was turned into a social scandal
Mocked
And demoralised
Desires turned into
Whispered taboos
My devotion
Became a mark of shame
My trust
A sign of weakness
Everything I was became a story of pity
So I blamed myself
Changed myself
Became as cold as the heart he gave me

Beneath the canopy of stars
I sit and wonder
Dear God
Would you give me a sign
Would you tell me the future
Of distance and time
How will my destiny take a turn
I am scared of the unknown
Can you hear my heartbeat thudding away
It knows not what it wants
And I am afraid of taking a wrong turn
All that I am sure
Is that I am yours
Write me as you wish
For your wish is mine
You know what I dare not bring to voice
Only you could find clarity in the confusion of my self
And the contradiction it presents
I live in your trust alone
And even if I am lost
Nothing is of loss if I have you

I found her
Kissing her knees
Cupping her neck
Gasping to feel a pulse
Nails bitten to the core
Spewing profanities
About how everyday ends on a cliffhanger
She stood slowly
Defiantly
Tiny and dainty
Hair a messy mane
A lioness
Concealed beneath layers of indifference
Her hands trembled
And her body swayed
I won't beg she growled
Feral and wild
As though her lips were not a flat line like that on a heartbeat monitor
She reminds me of what it felt like to be betrayed
And what it felt like to be loved
She made me want to get involved in something I no longer believe in
I am a cathedral of deadbolts
And she made me want to change the locks

I can see secrets
Swirling in your actions
Secrets can be lies
They can be deceptions

What are you disguising
When you hit the home screen
Lock your phone
And stop talking

Avoiding my questions
Changing the topic of discussion
I see guilty
When you raise your voice and get irritated

Receipts are gone missing
And you stay out longer than expected
Douse yourself in aftershave
Sometime you seem nervous

Maybe I'm curious
Or it could be suspicion
Speaking from experience
Your lack of answers are not helping

What do I do
Where to go from here
I'm just waiting on the evidence
For what my heart already believes

It felt like clinging to the mast
of a tiny boat
in a storm stricken sea
We lay naked
penitent
and punished
Like the depictions of atoning sinners
The truck jostled
and hurled our bruised skin against eachothers
When they found us
it was cold and dark
Stood in the open plain space
we shivered
as tendrils of panic escaped in whimpers
in bodies
huddling together
trying not to be seen as one
When I could finally speak
It was a tangle of words
They fell confusingly
some desperate to escape
some of them trying to hide
All of them needing to be heard
but too embarassed to be seen
From that moment on
the distance between all humans would become vast
At some point silence will stretch between us
and I'll always feel all alone
Some would say that I have disconnected from reality
but I had connected too much

When you've given all you had 
And the world wants more
It's time to hang up the goody two shoes
And feed your soul

A little rebellion could go a long way 
A nod for no and bending the rules
Because it's about time 
You had your say 

When the day ends 
And you've been all worn out 
Don't breakdown and give up
Go for an alternative option 

When your self destructing 
And cursing like nobody's business 
And each day is the mother of bad days 
Just turn around and dare to risk an unknown path

Because you're tired of living alone 
Step up or let go 
Nothing is worth losing your mind over
Find your way home

Self destruction
In a place where nothing is certain
When someone needs saving
From themselves

The way you don't need anyone
The one's you needed are all gone
Your searching for someone to hate
Anything to make you feel something in change of nothing

You'd rather be alone
And spend your days drowning
Wondering the streets
Inhaling the smoke as it darkens the lightness of your soul

Everyone here is out for something
You no longer believe in genuine
They get paid to look after you
And the therapist gets paid to understand things that don't make sense

Take me with you
Where your dreams lie
My world is where you are
Take me with you
I belong by your side
Come back
Let's sit on the porch
Watch the moon and stars twinkle
I will half this life of mine with yours
Every breath I take will be a short drag
So you can share
And when the morning comes
We'll share every ray of the sun
This time
I'll make sure to follow you
So when the shade comes
I'll be in it with you too

I watched her from afar as she walked to catch up to me
Her arms swinging backwards as she leapt into the air
Her knees came to her chest before she stomped both boots into the puddle in the middle of the yard
A wave of dark sludge flew around her
Splattering her golden locks
And coating the grass in a wet messy slop

She froze only just a moment
Eyes wide and mouth popped open
As if only noticing my observant gaze
Then her laughter rolled out like a hym
Echoing across the grounds
Something so joyous
As sunlight bounced on her face
She was glowing as her mouth opened wide in a gorgeous grin
Back tilted backwards
Her head thrown towards the heavens
Complete abandonment

My inner child tugged within me
Urging me to go and play
To join my Goddess
And drown in her laugh
Away from the shelter my feet stepped into the rain
Driven by her delight
Hesitating only out of fear of driving away all that amusement
My hands craved to be buried in her hair
Kissing her until every broken, beaten crack in her soul was gone

Until the past was wiped from her memory
And she saw herself as pure as the angel in my eyes
My happiness
My joy and pride

She laughs too hard 
She laughs too much 
But she's waiting for death 
And lives to die another day 

She believed in faeries 
And rainbows
Glitter made everything glow 
And laughing made everything seem okay

She forgets too less
And pretends too hard 
So she runs as fast as she can 
From the past 

Until her lungs burn 
Then places her hands on her chest
To feel her heart thump
Like the fear of giving up

He saw her in the line
Approached her changed form
And spoke those words
"I know you from somewhere"

Immediate recognition darkened her face
And she shrank away
Shivered as though a bad memory
Had walked over her grave

"I'm not like that anymore" she whispered and turned her face
But like a dog with a bone
He wouldn't let her go

Opened up a healed wound
Wanting her to lose control
Like lighting up a firework and asking it not to go off

A nervous sweat broke out
And she shook with fear
Of her past spilling over
And spoiling everything she now held dear

The lies she'd sewn to cover
Slips of the mouth submerged in a cough
Were erupting, bubbling and frothing
Like suicidal poison

"Please" her plea rang out
And he took pleasure in her weakness
Showing she was desperate
That he could make or break

And easily decide her fate