I am not the same person you met
These days my feet walk to your courtyard
And stop
Refusing to enter
One day I woke up
To a world that was the same as yesterday
But everything in this world was new to me
I don't want us to look at eachother like the old days
With hearts full of regrets
With could haves
Or what ifs
The thing is I can't forget
The thing is I will always have this part of me that's different
You see
It didn't just happen to me
Like an event passing in time
It stayed inside of me
Altered everything about me
It didn't leave
It has festered
So if you want the me from yesterday
She's gone

Breathtaking beauty
I saw her adorned with simplicity
Her features enhanced with a smile
That made her eyes light up 
In a warmth that said you could trust her
Her words were the same as the one's we all learnt and knew
Yet she made them sound different and true
A language of care and love
As she tread with grace
And softly spoke in respect
Gazed with trust 
And blushed in the sweetest way
I saw elegance in the way she dressed
Modest and humble
She went unnoticed 
And maybe that was her intent
But I'm impressed I must say
She's someone mother would like
They would get on like a house on fire
She was beautiful

When I wished for us upon a shooting star,
I wonder where it went?
Do you know what a shooting star is?
A clump of dust
That's all that falls from the sky
But dust gives birth to trees
Do you remember the trunks we carved our names into?
I wish we had held onto eachother the way the roots of those trees held onto the ground
Our names, once a lover's poem
Became nouns decorated into bark

I am sick
The sky is green
My stomach turns inside out
Your words are yellow
I can't avoid them
My skin is orange
My eyes are black
Black like I'm wearing shades but I'm not
It's black like a rotting banana that's leaving a smell
Attracting attention
I'm chain smoking through days
Not liking the taste
Coughing up deconstruction
Collapsed stomach and lungs
I'm sick because
I'm unravelling like a golden thread
Like a tent full of birds
Until there's nothing but purple left
Hands wave from a train I need to be on
To stain me velvet red
To mix me yellow
And to dye me brown
Like they want to plant a garden in my fingertips
And write a novel on my skin
About strangers and fumbling for wrists to hold like the world is empty
Hands that make you fall from your graces
About walking into a bar and finding God
About sunshine falling from the gaps between teeth

I need you
to be there.
Don't let me
let you go
no matter what.

I need everything
The world can't see
With you beside me.

Give me guidance
Give me strength
Give me conscience
And all things heaven sent.

i.
Every Sunday I lay awake afraid to close my eyes because if I do, tomorrow will arrive.

ii.
I sound mad, erratic, desperate. I am. Dear God I'm always begging him. Help me! With what, I'm not so sure. With everything. Dear God. DEAR GOD. GOD! HELP ME. Help me get through today. Dear God once I begged you to let me be here and you answered. Now I beg you to get me out. I'm gratefully sorry.

iii.
Every morning a panic seizes my heart as I think of the day ahead, laboured breaths yet everything around me is going too fast. I swear the clock skips time. I want it to fly but I need it to stop. There's so much to do and 24 hours are just not enough.

iv.
An email pings my phone and everything freezes. It ruins my entire day. I should never have connected my phone and work emails.

v.
I'm having dinner with my family and all I can think about are the reports I have not yet written. I haven't marked the topic books and I still need to create resources for the maths topic. The line manager wants targets and I need to reply to my colleagues request for organising a buddy system. We're having a review on Thursday that I can't forget to prepare for. I still haven't filled out the outdoor visit forms.

v.
I can feel myself slowly being turned into who I swore I'd never be. I've started doing things every fibre of my being was against. People became percentage scores. All that matters is presentation in books. Forget that you know this child would never do this normally and write it up in the behaviour book. You don't have time to investigate or figure out his problem. He's wasting precious learning time and he needs to meet those targets. Everyone will judge me if he doesn't.

vi.
Once my entire house was painted and it took me over a week to notice. Once I used to read novels, watch movies, cook, workout and write poems. I can't remember the last time I did that. I work every weekend and every evening. I feel guilty when I am free like I'm forgetting a very important thing.

vii.
I'm 23 with the back ache problems of a 60 year old. I'm 23 and its hard to fall asleep. My own sleepwalking wakes me up as I recite my 'to do' list. I'm 23 and I think of giving up at least twice a week. I'm 23 and I miss my family who I live with. I miss myself. I'm 23 and life should not be the living dead.

I've developed a coping strategy. Just shut up and get on with it. Get up and get the job done.

It's all getting done as I become undone.

The silence of your eyes
Lacks lustre for life
Like you could win the lottery
And it would not matter
That you just would not care
Because your heart does not lie
In content with money
And that my friend
Is why money can't buy you happiness
Because it's often those
Without two cents to rub together
Who can laugh and joke
Skip down the street
And be kind to others
These eyes I see
Yearn for something more real
Something that can't slip
Through your fingers
An investment that can't be wasted
Something like
Belonging and loyalty
A person to come home to

There are sorrows
That rip me apart in silence.
Ones I can't bring to my lips.
For they would blame me,
Like I had a choice
To feel this way.
I chose you
Not knowing the grief it would bring

I have found peaceful sleep on concrete floors
Where my desires have been needs
And had restless nights on feather soft beds
Where dreams of wants have piled with greed
They ask how people become mad
And I tell them
Look, like this
By doing business with dreams

Just once
Smile
Like a fresh traveller
In amazement at the
Wonders of this world
With new found independence
As your gaze wonders
Taking in this beauty
Of the sights around you
Smile as you turn
And willingly get lured
When life knocks on your door
Into the depths
Go and don't look back
Leave a trail
Weave your stories
Let yourself be known
Take part and celebrate
Traditions in cultures
Unknown
Collect good luck charms
And dream catchers
Pass through
An organic farm
And teach the village kids
Who've never seen
Foreign skin
Let them chase and cheer
The camel as you ride out
To catch the boat
Overseas
To visit the rhinoceros
Who's becoming extinct
Then off to the boutiques
To find little treasures
Special beaded bracelets
With gemstones
Rare as the experience
You've been through
Delicious delicacies
Waiting to be tasted
And spicy smells
Waft across the market
Enticing your senses
Then for dessert
Stroll through the narrow streets
To meet the best of friends
Who meet at the waterfall
For a coffee every evening
Be in on the secret
In the screen shot
You've always seen on t.v
Smile
As you realise
Everything new
Will never become old
As you continue to unravel
A mere drop
In the ocean
And if you ever feel like
You've seen it all
There's nowhere left to go
Travel backward
Not to rewind
Or undo
But to see how the
Places you've been to
Changed and became new

Every now and then I catch the dark lingering wafts of smoke. It emanates from me. I hate that smell. The smell of cancer and death, the smell of disease and addiction. The smell of you. I stink of you. Yet I find myself breathing more frequently as though I can't place it. I just want to be sure, that it's me and not you, because of course, you're not here. In the darkness of my mind or in the empty rooms, the crowded cafes I go, to wake up and smell the coffee. My mind floats to the spaces where we sat together, the car where the smoke found no escape. The way it created fog and a dream like state. Now it's trapped in the fibres of my clothes, each strand of my hair, it clings to me like a second skin. Yet I smother my face in your sweater and take deep breaths in of smoke soaked oxygen, there's something about your smell I find comforting and that is quite disturbing.

Hour by hour
She checks her Insta
Posts a new picture
With a Snapchat filter
If it doesn't receive any compliments
It's not good enough
Every morsel is captured
For her followers
Praised by the likes
And screenshots
Wouldn't be seen dead
Without her makeup
Clothing
It's got to be designer
Membership at the gym
To show off her trainers
Trails through pages
Like a maniac
Can't help but compare
And want what she's got
Her house is big
Her boyfriend is handsome
Her friends are cool
Her family supportive
She needs a new car
The latest Apple product
A holiday
To an exotic location
The trolls are cruel
She can't be seen with you
Her lips too thin
Her nose too big
Searching for surgeries to fix the double chin
Without the screen
Her life is meaningless
She's addicted to social media
Depressed and anxious
Jealous and bitter
She's too deep under water
To see you trying to save her

Somebody asked me
If I knew you
And a million memories
Flashed through my mind

Of who we used to be
Together and apart
And I tried to remember
If I knew you

If I knew the real you
All of who you are
Who you were
What you stood for

I just smiled
And said
I used to

Because I wasn't the same

*And neither were you

You were the wrong guy
Who said all the right things
You knew how to cut me loose
And I spread like a wildfire
Flew higher and faster
Simply because I didn't know how to stop
But when you asked for my heart
I told you
I could not give you something which was no longer mine
It belongs to someone else

Something has happened
Something has been done
Since you came along
Life seems much more fun

Everything looks different
Everything seems new
Thoughts of you are constant
The past seeming so distant.

I have started to laugh when I'm on my own,
No longer wearing that famous frown,
Greeting everyone with a smile,
My mood is on an all time high.

All the colours seem brighter,
The flowers are more fragrant.
With you I'm an insider,
Show me how you enchant.

I find myself in front of the mirror,
How do I look?
When you're here, come nearer,
For you I want to cook.

Is this it?
What they call love?
My heart soars high and above,
Is this that moment when I lose my heart?

No, I have not lost anything

Rather in you gained everything.

My
funeral
   procession
     will parade
       behind the
         horse and
           carriage of
              your life
                solemn
             and respectful
            even as I leave
           it will be in silence
           like the smothering
             of my dreams
                 your life
      she hides behind her veil
    as my face is placed by the
    window            for all to see
     wrapped in the white cloth
    as your life adorns her hands
   with something blue and gold
                                   you are that
  something
     she borrowed
       and I followed
behind
           like
                 something
                                   old

She always sits next to a window or near the door
And stares outside with a daydream look on her face
Like a bird waiting to fly from a cage
Within her I see
A fire
a hurricane
a catalyst
She can't sit still
It's like her fingers itch to feel
And her body is always on the move
Perhaps a desire to be free
Sometimes I catch her smiling randomly
And she makes me want to read her mind
To be apart of that something so beautiful that shines on the outside

Take this cloth
And wipe the surface 
Use it as a blanket 
Garment or accessory 

To some a disposable 
Maybe a fashionable memory 
For others it becomes 
Their identity 

A reflective
Representation 
Of meaningless 
Merged with sacred

She sat slumped against the wall
Red knuckles begging to be soaked in salt water
Fingernails seeping red like faded nail varnish
Skin a mesmerising galaxy
Shades of blue
Purple marks
Half moons shadowed beneath her hauntingly piercing eyes
She watched me like she's been here before
Her poker face unsurprised of my presence
Like she was discovered and left to be found again
By someone else
She didn't ask nor beg
Pride or shame
I couldn't tell
The cogs in my mind whirred
It's too late
I could give her a new world
A new start
But I could see in her eyes her world was gone
Her heart was buried deep within the bloodied soil beneath her hands
Her soul was tied to the past
The good and the bad
I could give her food
And clothes
And shelter
But I can't free her mind
From the prison she's been in
I can't chase away the nightmares
It's too late

Somewhere
Somewhere there is a place
Where someone belongs
And you are that happy thing
Someone's been waiting for
All along

Soul's don't know
Of distance
But you will know
In that instance
The meaning to
Your existence

Someone will come
Or you will go
Maybe you'll meet half-way
Like a reflection awaiting your gaze

Someone will take your hand
Someone will love you
For all that you are
They will appreciate
And be more worthy by far

So don't settle for less
Or degrade your worth
Someone somewhere
Is already yours

With all great highs
Come great lows
Spiritual highs
Are the worst crashes

All or nothing guilt trips
Each sin
A fine line between
Good and bad

Right and wrong
Actions contradicting beliefs
And emotions against behaviour
They're all stacked up

Human turmoil
When the right things feel wrong
And the wrong things feel right
The devil is messing you up inside

It's so hard to walk away
Inner struggle everyday
When you want to give up
And not care

Do what you want
Deal with the consequences later
Until one day you sit and wonder
How did I end up so far

So distant from God
He was everything in my heart
And after chasing what I want
I let go of what I needed

Empty space
A gaping hole
Discontent
And self-loathe

It's a long climb
Trekking back down that road
With a blot on your past
Knocking on the forgiveness door

The love
For this nurture to life
Can be bent
But never broken

So you strayed
Got lost along the way
Separated
But you found your way back

On the straight path
Passed the test
And you're stronger for that
You're future is still spotless

Child don't you know
God loves you even more
His mercy is endless
And He'll welcome you back regardless

True love and acceptance
Take one step toward Him
And He takes ten toward you
Walk His way and He will run to you

I am grabbed away
Gulping down the rising fear
I feel myself slip from your grip
The bubbling anxiety
And the pain in your trembling voice
Makes me call out
My bag Mama
Pick up my bag for me
I am lead along with others like cattle
In a line
Away from you
The only arms I have ever known
But I don't look to see where we are going
I look at my blue trainers
As though I am seeing them on my feet for the first time
My feet are moving and I wonder if my brain is sending the signals correctly
Because I don't want to leave you
I am squeezed into a truck
That jostles with the heaviness of the situation
My hands slip into my pocket
And I wish that there would be such a pocket where I could not only hide my hands
But also myself
In it I feel the teeths of the wooden comb
The one that I took from papa
I look around at the faces
And they mirror mine
I recognise uncle Suleiman
And Hussein from the shop
I can't see Fahima
It's just men
I dig the comb into the tips of my fingers
Liking the pressure
Because it keeps my mind from drifting to nosense
I did not know that tomorrow I would lay down
Outside beneath the open sky
In a row with İbrahimoviç and several others
Our faces pressed against the earth
That bullets would rain down
And my back would burn
Quickly turning my legs numb
Distantly I would hear the roar
Of a Serbian soldier
"Are there any survivors?"
Someone would cry out instantly
"I am alive, please **** me!"
He pleaded and I was mute
But we both got what we wanted
I do not know how long I lay in that field
Then another and another
I lay with hundreds of others
But years later
Mama would be called
To see my blue trainers
And Papa's comb
To say that I was hers

I miss you in a way that makes my heart ache
Yet here I am like a willow tree
That has died whilst standing
Even when I am alone
I do not belong to myself
For you have a place within the wilderness
Seeking the burial
Of my beautiful fate

Its not love
And it sure ain't respect
It isn't that I look up to you,
In fact the opposite.

My decisions you make
My dislikes you dictate
My actions you limit
My dreams you restrict

Confined to the consequences of your past actions
People's interference to view this show
you produce, present, an act all in one,
A one man show
The villain you are
The hero they think
Charming, pleasant and helpful,
Greedy, overbearing and forceful.

A showpiece on your windowsill I remain
Still sane

I wish to weave a story
Tell it so beautifully through
It takes all its listeners
And makes them characters too

I will take them on a journey
An adventure of genres in a mall
They'd buy into all the feelings
And stop at the same stall

I want to write a story
Where we meet on the same page
Speak the same drawl
And let love take centre stage

She stood in the courtyard
And signed her breath over
To the shadows where her heart now resides
Beneath the stars
Her hopes buried
At the graveyard where she met God
She promised Him coins at the wishing well
And sacrificed all her wealth
Begged for the sake of love
If only He would listen
Life was His to give
But it was snatched before she was willing
Wondering aimlessly down the boulevard
Welcoming the unsympathetic burn of liquor down her oesophagus
Why was she given what was not meant to be hers?
A day of motherhood
Then a lifetime of pain that will never be filled
How can she breath
How can she live
Away from her child
Who turned all that she knew into a stranger

In the twenty first century
Where we have been the most advanced we have ever been
Where we have central heating
Air conditioning
Online shopping
Open heart
And laser eye surgery
Never has the goal of a happy and pleasant life drifted further away
Than it has today
We have been taught how to fly high in the sky like a plane
How to dive deep in the ocean like a fish
But how to walk on this earth
As a happy and content being
Some of us, we still struggle
We can contact people on the other side of the world
But we can't connect with our soul
We search for peace
Swallowing pills to seal the cracks in our heart
To cover fear, loneliness and anxiety
Oh you who wander
Life is a drink of salty water
You are drinking for a thirst that never quenches
A hunger that never fills
On this path
Pain becomes unbearable
Calamities become intolerable
A search for peace of mind
The ability to sleep at night
Your chest will only become tighter
The dark will become darker
Until you realise
That the pieces of our heart can only be put together
When we have gratitude during times of ease
And patience during times of difficulty

You showed me the light
Yet I was taken in by its reflection
And when you told me what is right
I knew you had a point
There's something a little scary about knowing I should feel bad
    And I'm only sorry that I don't
Guilt should be the driving force
Helping me make the U turn
But I made a decision and I'm going to stand by it
I like how I'm rolling
Cruising down the highway
Making my own decisions
Steamrolling all the signs
Sometimes the heart, sometimes the brain is steering
I'm making a pavement where I have never walked before
Uncertain of where it's leading
Intentions have to count for something
And maybe one day it will all come to standstill
It whatever it is
Can crash and burn out
And that day
The rain will dance around me
I'll say that life was in my hands
And I trusted the unspoken promises my eyes showed me
Like the call to prayer
Or the confession of first love
And on these very lashes they'll snap like weak thread strings
Sheer luck, belief and destiny
Will get me far
And that alone will be worth it
Pushing the limits
Testing patience
Testing life and what it had to offer me
I set out seeking an unknown treasure
Hoping I'll never hear
I told you so
You never listen
At least I'll have a rainbow
And you know what they say about rainbows right?
They lead to a *** of gold
I'll never get there if I'm afraid of getting wet

There are truths that are yet to be learnt
The ones that are written into every atom of this world
Like the shadows that will always belong to you no matter how much you don't recognise them
That I am yours and you are mine
We are a whisper that will shatter the silence
And ripple years into the future

Success follows a believer
Like truth that cannot hide
For he contains all the elements
That turn every situation right

Forgiveness and healing
That alone is a sign
Of a person stronger
More than you and I

Success is that person who falls down
And gets right back up again
Grabbing at all opportunities
That happen to blow in on the wind

The Lord provides the recipe
And bestows the ingredients too
You don't have to look far
Love and work hard honestly

Yes, the Lord helps those that help themselves
To the blessings He provides
When it comes down to it above all else
That is true success in life

When on a bright summers day
A sudden chill catches you out
And you pull your clothes around tighter
Shot nerves
Like someone just walked over your grave
Or tried to ****** your soul
Eyes flutter back and forth
Like maybe someone is watching you
Then you shrug as though its paranoia
But the chill seeps into your bones
And like the flash of a camera
Just as you start to ponder
The deep and the meaningful
It's over

Once I had desire
I came with expectations and stars in my eyes
The second time I had hope
I'd hurt from the past and wanted to try
The third time I had nothing
No expectations, no hope, no stars in my eyes
I would take whatever you could give
Even your lies
Just keep me with you
Let my gaze fall to you from afar
My thoughts on the next surrender
I can't help but wonder
How many times can the same thing break your heart?

No rehearsals 
One more beat amongst billions
Of pumping hearts
Witness to the light of the stars
You say I'm crazy 
But you don't know what I've got
No wings
Or magic dust

I throw my wishes at the clouds
On my way to the top floor
Standing with my back to the crowd
Knocking on heavens door

Fire at my heels 
Fear of losing 
I'm a one man band
Still marching forward 

But I would drag you through 
Tooth and nail
No man behind
I won't let you fail 

Words with a harsh sting
I forget to sugar coat things
That's the way I am 
Take it or leave it

When he says mi casa su casa
I wonder if he knows that walls can never make a home

Home has a beating heart and sweaty palms
Home has a smile that feeds my hunger
He has open arms
And a shoulder to lay my head on

Home makes me dream like no other
Has ears that hear my heartbeat
And eyes that dream with me
Home doesn't feel empty

Home holds my hand
With me he takes a stand
Home is here and there
He's everywhere

Home shows me how to live
Helps me to breathe
Home quotes books and movies and songs we listened to
Home calls me home too

I want to pray with you
Stand in the first row
Shoulder to shoulder
Feet to feet
Listen to the Imam
From the first juz to the last
I want to close my eyes and feel like we're the only people in the world
God and us
With no distance
I pray for you
Your happiness and success
That it is with me
And we're together always

She can taste memories on your lips
And the chapter of the hearts you collected
On the pulsing vein on your neck
So she used her tongue to sign an autograph
And paint a story over the broken cries you savoured