And I had to run my own fingers through my hair
because I was alone
I had to watch the movies in empty rooms
and laugh at my own jokes
Sometimes I even held my own hands
because I forgot what it felt like
I had to dry my own tears
and rock myself to sleep at night
I watched as they all laughed and played
from a safe distance I could see
I was just a second option
or third
the fourth
the last
I wanted someone who I could hold
but have them also hold me
I felt greedy wanting love
but I couldn't help it
I would run my fingers through their hair
and I would watch with them the movies
I would laugh at all their jokes
so they never felt alone
like me

I swear once I saw a shooting star
and I begged for you
I begged for you

I screamed so loud in pain
That heaven called hell
An told them to stop tortureing the deamons

I'm a grown man
Who is still sleeping with the lights on
Because fear has no age
And it just grows within me 
The more I know the more I fear
Because that blanket can only keep out so many monsters
But what do you do
When the monster is yourself
Sleeping with you
That blanket is just a kiddy toy
And fear is no kid

I'm just as bad as I was yesterday
and I guess that's better
than getting worse

--

I really just wish
I was special
to someone
it is a disgusting felling
knowing that no one needs you
or even really wants you
the fact that I could die
and no one would really be phased by it
the fact that I could be gone forever
and no one would care
that hurts
and knowing that I will always be nothing to everyone
and never anything to anyone
and no matter how hard I try to be something to myself
they will never need me
and that every person who had seen my face
can forget it in an instant and never be bothered by it
I don't even need me
or want me
I guess they are right