i use to think blue was my favorite color because of the sky

i never thought it was because of your eyes

but once i saw them i understood

and you replaced the sky and everything in your path

i fell, fell harder than i ever have

and although my life has been full of problems

the biggest one is you

every flaw, every single thing you hated about yourself, i loved about you

every nagging, every put down, every curse, i banished, i stopped you from letting them out

and though you let my words fly south

i stayed. i listened. i felt your pain as if it was my own

one day i hoped you would have noticed

one day i hoped that instead of telling your guys that i was just a friend,

you wished i was more.

i wished your feelings would pour

pour through your chest as my tears did down the drain

that every memory of me was hidden away in a special box, sealed and marked fragile do not touch

but they weren't

my feelings aren't reciprocated because of one simple reason

i'm fat

my weight doesn't correspond with my height

my body doesn't look right

my heart is big but so are my thighs

and even when i try

it's not enough

you've never straight out said this but i can read between lines you have so easily drawn

like the strings to my heart tugged like a puppet master

starving yourself is wrong, that's what they teach you in health class

but when you are fat heads turn the other way and suddenly it becomes okay

on day five i felt like i wanted to cry because i stepped on the scale and didn't lose an ounce

and yet i drank my weight in water and pushed myself farther than i ever have before only to sink to the floor

i went to the kitchen to consume my doom but only a salad because i hadn't given up so soon and it was okay

it didn't make my day like ice cream on apple pie or chocolate cake

instead it ruined it when i got on the scale and gained a pound

i could starve myself for days outweight the amount of calories burned to the ones taken in and not lose anything

but the second i eat even if it's healthy the scale tips like it tips my whole world upside down

i am told i just need to eat healthy and exercise but if that was the case why do the people who eat nothing but trash have flatter abs than me

and then they are the ones to tell me i am unhealthy

i go to bed late so i can get up even later, sleeping past breakfast and lunch

i then force myself to go swimming and put on a two piece to remind myself why i'm even doing this in the first place

in a haste i swim around my pool and do workouts for hours until i completely lose feeling in my legs

you're not suppose to eat after seven but that's when mom gets home and we have dinner

i pretend i'm feeling sick so i don't have to eat and although she sees through my lies

beauty is more important than being healthy

May I ask you a question about your life
Are you able to ration out your strife
How do you stop feeling the time
Do you freeze your clock
And pretend to mime out the words
From your fractured soul
Wondering if you can ever let go of the past
How do you categorize the bitterness of your pain from greatest to least
Or do you let the rain wash away
The thoughts of yesterday
Flooding your dreams wiith inescapable thoughts
Running from today and the bullets shot
Piercing your skin with rumors of tomorrow
Warning you of the misery to follow
Trying to collapse your trust
How can you trust when it has been broken so many times
How do you get back up after being pushed down
How do you pick yourself back up off the ground
How do you go on even when you have nothing left

Secrets spill out of her parched mouth
Thirsty for a taste of drama
She sits in her corner of the ring
Thinking of new things
To turn her life upside down
But these things are never found

See she’s just an average girl
Like every other in the world
She seeks for attention
Like she does for his love
Neither of them are granted

She hides in her mind
Like a fox in it's burrow
Sneaky as ever
But charming as a hero

That's what she pretends to be
And hopes no one sees
The scared little girl beneath

I hope you're happy now
Because I knew you weren't before
You pushed me away
And tried to close your door

You cursed the sun, the moon,
And the rain
But you can't lie to me
I know you felt the pain

I hope you're happy now
Because you said before
That happiness is not
What you were meant for

But I know you
And I know the truth

I hope you're happy now
But I'm not happy without
You

Sinking and crashing
Like waves of the sea
See my emotions all splattered around me

The caves are hollow
Like the caverns of my heart
Fill me deep inside
Show me your beautiful art

Show me a blanket of love
A sky full of dazzling stars
Show me your blissful face
As you guide me into your arms

I don't understand why you can't see
Or why you don't want to be with me
I no longer want to feel pain
God I just keep cursing your name

I feel like a jealous little girl
Trapped in a fragile world
Feel the ache in my bones
And remind me I'm always alone

Baby just love me
That's all I can plea
Say my name in vain
Kiss me in the rain

Parched lips pressed to mine
Like lemonade on a dry summer day
Let me quench your thirst with my love
I promise

I'll be everything you've ever dreamed of
Just give me a chance
You won't regret it

Give me your hand
And I can lead you
To a faraway land

Together forever we can always be
If you just admit
That you only want me

Why do I open up my heart just to feel the pain
Why do I scream and cry so much that I never truly feel sane
Why do I care for you when you've proved you don't for me
Why do I cut myself open just to see myself bleed
See the pain is just a reminder
Of the day you left me here
Please tell me why I'm so insecure
Maybe it's because since a young age I've been taught
That i'm nothing more than just something to be bought
Can't you see how I feel
Did you never figure it out
I want you so bad
Why can't you tell

Do you remember when I told you
I didn't like you
I teased you for what felt like hours
But were most likely only minutes

Do you remember when I called you
All those mean names
I'd laugh and laugh as you sat and stared
We both knew you weren't going anywhere

Do you remember when I cried
In front of you for the first time
We both realized it was only hate
That gave me such terrible pain

Do you remember that time you told me
Purple was my color
I wore it the next day
What was I thinking
Or maybe I wasn't

Do you remember the first time
I held your hand
So smooth but rough
Gripped perfectly in mine

Do you remember the time
I told you I liked you
The tables were turned
Torched and burned
Leaving me with that ache and pain

Do you know how it was
To be rejected
To be unloved

Do you remember when we became
Super fantastic friends
Of course let the sarcasm
Slowly sink in

Do you remember when I told you
Go for what you want
And I wanted to hear
I wanted to believe
All you wanted was
Me

Do you remember when we stopped
And nothing felt the same
Did you feel it too
That miserable drowning pain

Did you really even care
Did you even want me back
I'd tell myself no
Anything different might be a bigger blow

Do you remember when I told you
How I really feel
When I proclaimed my love
My stupid fantasy of
Us together
Forever

Of course you don't
Because I won't tell
I would never be so stupid
To fall for a king

When I know
I'll never be his
Queen

When I sit and write
It’s like I’m having a fight
With myself
I think it's affecting my health

See I only write when I’m sad
Or really, really mad
Words deep from the soul
To just let things go

It’s hard to write when I’m happy
It all sounds to sappy
I live to feel down
Sometimes it's better just to drown

In sorrow in tears
That no one hears
Am i really alive
Is it better just to die

Why do all these guys keep calling me a *****
Just cuz I don't want my clothes on their bedroom floor
Looks at me, calls me pretty
Trust me I know
But why all these guys keep calling me a ***
All they wanna do is see under my shirt
Push me against a wall and feel under my skirt
Wonder why I get mad when they treat me like trash
Like oh my bad, it's my fault you're an ***
Boy stop playing, this ain't a game
I'm sick of your **** so stop asking me to hang
Go get some other *****, some ***, some ****.
But you ain't getting me cuz I ain't a quick ****
I'm out

Christmas, Halloween, Easter
These are some holidays you may love
But when I was 5 these were some things
I didn't know of

I use to get in trouble during school
For telling all the kids Santa Claus didn't exist
That the Easter Bunny could never **** eggs
And the tooth fairy didn't leave you money

When I turned six I was so excited
And rushed home from school that day
I only lived right up the hill
I ran as fast as my chubby legs could go
Bursting through the door I screamed from my core

“Did you know
Did you know they dedicated this day
Today, March 18, just to me?
They sang me a song and gave me this paper shaped like a crown”

I held it up as high as my arm could reach
Until it dropped from my hand
When I realized I was the only one there

I didn't know then but I know now
What a birthday is
But we didn't celebrate holidays
Maybe because my grandma was a Jehovah's witness

Or maybe we just didn't have money to spend
On such irrelevant items
Money was only to be spent on the rent
Water, food, and ya know, *****

How else was mommy suppose to relax
How else was she suppose to take naps
After she sipped from her flasks


During the day she sent us outside to play
From sunrise to sunset
And that’s how I became black
At least that's what I told my class
When they questioned my skin

“Mommy needs quiet time so I get to play at the park all day”
“The sun liked me so much it gave me a kiss
To remind me of moments like this”

Moments of screaming and bottles breaking
Moments of hiding under beds and in closets
Because monsters weren’t there
They were right outside our doors
Waiting for us to drop our guard

I could never turn off the light
Because I was scared of them
Roaming into my room

My sister and I
We held each other tight
Because that’s when we were left alone

My mother would leave rambling she had ‘places to be’
And if she came home before dawn
You wish she wouldn't have
Because they both would stink
And be unsteady

She screamed and she kicked
Or at least that's what I did
When her boyfriend smacked her
And I tried to stop him

Everytime he’d say he wouldn't do it again
Yet black and blue covered her skin
She’d tell us to stop when we tried to protect her
When really she should have been protecting us

When I was seven I stopped believing in heaven
And stopped praying to God every night
By that time I had been to multiple churches
None of them seemed quite right

I didn't think that I could believe in someone so cruel
Because the god they talked about in school
Would never use me like a puck
Flinging me around from home to home

When I was eight I started to appreciate
What my sister meant to me
Yeah siblings they fight all the time
But she didn't commit a crime
So I don't understand why she was taken from me

I didn't see her again until our grandpa's funeral
Where she dared me to touch his nose

“Come on”
“Just do it”  
“Don’t be a baby”
“Scared he’s gonna bite you?”

“Uh no because he’s DEAD”

But I did it
I have never felt a rush
From such any icy touch before in my life

And although his soul was a runaway ghost
I wanted to climb inside with him
And forget that death is the end of life

When I was ten I swore never again
To love a women who’s addiction ran deeper
Than her own daughter’s blood

I think that’s when I finally understood
The beginning of adulthood
And it slowly brought my wretched childhood
To an end

I now celebrate every holiday that I didn't know in the past
Money is no longer spent on drugs that never last

I'm not black because of the sun
Or my mother’s abandonment
I'm not me because two people made an immature decision

I no longer see women get hit and believe there’s nothing wrong with it
I no longer sleep in the light because I know monsters don't hide in the dark

The world keeps spinning and life moves on
That's the hardest part to come to terms with

And while my life may have begun with uncontrollable tragedy
The rest of it is up for me to decide

​
Her hands gripped the sink
As her eyes slowly blinked
The tears fell down the drain
No wonder she didn't feel sane

Her heart thumped against her chest
And she couldn't catch her breath

Someone
She whispered
Please
As she was brought to her knees

Her prayers were never answered
Her cries were never heard

The words fell from her lips
Like bread crumbs to birds

One day
I'll be able to soar
One day
Her dry lips parted
Cracked to the core

I'll understand this world
This world will understand me
And maybe we will be able
To live together
In total harmony

Her eyes closed softly
Fluttering shut for good
And no one really cared

Did you really think
They would

My heart is a cavern
Much like those you find
In the depths of the earth

It grasps
Like a toddler
For foreign objects
That have no worth

And yet
I cannot reach
The poison he
Has slipped me

Under the covers
Through the bed sheets

Like the secrets
Murmured through
My bedroom door
As I lay on the floor

Begging him for more
The words come to an end
Final, before he ran
And I was never to see him again

You were fire
And I was rain
Somehow we convinced ourselves
That we were the same
Our ideas, sure, were not all that different
But our personalities
Collide in the distance

You played with my heart
And I played with yours
Did you know
I was silently keeping score
No matter how much you plead
You were never enough for me

Oh wait
I said that wrong
I was never enough for you

I'm not the only girl
In the world that feels
As if my heart is a guitar
Plucking the strings
Until they snap back
Like rubber bands
In Chemistry class
When all they boys
Use it like a toy
Whipping each other
Leaving marks
Like they do with our hearts
All they ever do
Is tear us apart

See I’m not that pretty
Funny, or small
I'm not even close to tall
My skin often gets compared to ****
But i'm suppose to sit
And pretend like I don't hear the names behind my back

Because of these things
I get no respect
Because of these things
My life is a mess
Like my bedroom floor
On a Saturday night
Because Sunday is clean day
And then we can wash
Our emotions away

Monday’s a new day to start again
We can pretend to be friends
And laugh in the halls
Fake just like my barbie dolls

Acting like someone we’re not
Hiding who we are
So we don't get shot
With words so cold
They’re basically stone
Breaking our bones
With each strenuous throw
Like dodgeball during gym class
You must be fit if you wanna pass
The games people play
To destroy everyone else
Who cares if it's not affecting their health
Just the ones with the mental illness
Because believing you don't belong
Is so very wrong

But that's why we drink
We feast
On the broken ones
Who are incomplete

We steal parts of them
To fill the caverns of our heart
Empty from the diamonds
That had been stolen inside

They say we are poor
But we have wealth
Full of depression beyond despair

The horizons we seek
Cannot be seen
Through the peephole
Of sight we are given

No
We are taught

Our actions are learned
To behave this way
To treat others like they're nothing
Much to my dismay

And in a perfect world
My words mean nothing
But we are not perfect
Nor will we ever be
All we can ever do is plea
That we treat others like we want to be treated
Like we’re in elementary school again

But don't you understand
We accept the love we think we deserve
So how can the love we give be any worse
Than the love we choose to hold for ourselves
How can we determine someone else’s wealth
When we can't even begin to describe our own

You see
I was rain
And you were fire
Flushed with desire you tried to climb higher
Tried to push yourself off the ground
You burned so high, too high
That's why I had to drown
Out your flames
Until they were no more
Until you were soaked to the core

Gone were the days
Of hot and humid
Yes I know
It was kind of stupid
But if fire took care of rain first
It might have ended much worse

You see you were fire
And I was rain
And no matter how hard we tried to convince ourselves
We will never be the same