THREE DECADES AND EIGHT, and here's a glimpse on how it feels to be alive in my late 30's:
1. It's not all rainbows and unicorns. It's more like a series of unfortunate events and mundane everyday problems.š¤¦
2. Substantial amount of coffee for breakfast. Or could be home chores, wailing kids. Or rush compliances and paper works. Could be all three, depending on my luck.š
3. You always get what you wished for. At a younger age, I wished for a job and kids and it was granted -- certainly not my dream job or dream kids though. I have a stable job and two adorable, lovely girls but how I wish I was more specific then, like "God, pls I want a less toxic, high-paying job and well-behaved kids".š¤
4. Everything hurts for no reason -- my head, my back, my heart. Emotional breakdown visits me frequently, and I've got hangovers from a glass of wine I've drank few weeks ago.š„“
5. Knowing the right thing to do and knowing a greater excuse not to do it. Too many things to do, too little time to accomplish them all but I just can't let the couch down, waving for a nap.š
6. I've got list of favorites lately. Favorite people I irregularly talk and hang out with, like maybe once a month or two but love me anyways (shout out to my super friends!). Favorite grocery store because I'm too lazy to go out & explore others. Favorite outfit, mainly shirts & pants, because dressing up upsets me now -- as the age increases, so does the insecurities. Every food is my favorite because it's not everyday that I could afford to eat with gusto. Favorite work out now is moving a muscle while walking to the fridge to get some food or to the nearest socket to charge my phone. My favorite childhood memory? Not paying the bills.š
7. Getting invites from friends to go out, excitedly sending confirmations to join, then cancelling on the last minute because suddenly I'm too lazy to socialize.š
8. Working hard to pay the bills & other responsibilities. If I badly needed a break or a sleep, I take the pill if tiring myself with my bike or disturbing my neighbors with my awful singing and guitar doesn't work.š©
9. There is no certainty in love. The fear that life will shatter again and that the pieces I carefully glued will never be the same explains the distance and the high walls.š£
10. Just watching my phone rings because it's rude to cancel, then getting back to whoever called/texted three days later, or depends on my mood and availability to reply. Unless of course if it's work-related, family & close friends matters, or from someone worthy of my time because nonsense & cheap convos no longer interests me.āļø
11. People come and go, letting them pass along and accepting that nothing stays the same because I believe there's more to life than chasing people and dreams not really meant for me. Life goes on, and so must I.šŖ
12. The best things in life are not things, but the few people who make me feel loved and cared for. Or the simple things I usually take for granted like a goodnight sleep, a decent meal, the sunset, a beautiful song, the simple joys of watching my kids sleeping peacefully and hearing my parents' laughter, and knowing that the rest of my whole fam is surviving well during this pandemic. I don't have the best of everything but I make the best of what I have, thank you Lord.ā„ļø
You mature with the damage, not with the years, dear self. Au revoir to an old version of you, and bonjour to a better, stronger you.š„
Just recently, I turned 38, finding myself scribbling some random thoughts which I know are relatable to some. It's been a while, and I am just so glad I find my way back again here. ā¤ļø