What do you say when faced the prospect of always being alone? When you are stuck like an echo in a long empty corridor. And for all the noise you make you are met with an immovable silence. When all your struggling stops and in stillness, you're sounds run from you.
It's sobering to think Contrary to niaeve childhood thoughts, "you will find your someone... that all will be well". But these thoughts are human and my feelings are sharp in my chest, from time to time they cut me. I would be crushed under the weight of these feelings if not for the hope that is found in Christ. If I am to find someone he is the hope I have till then. If I am to remain lonely I will not be alone, and I have hope to find a deeper meaning, deeper beauty in my solitude. My need for another person to love will never outweigh my need for Him.

Worms of wrath and worms of envy
Wreathe beneath my aching flesh.
My heart lies cold on the floor of Lust
Yet alone it beats afresh.
Is it pride that keeps it beating,
long after others end.
Or is it greed to long for someone
Wishing to be not just a friend.

Silly slothful thoughts sometimes
rush trough my weary mind.
leave well enough alone they say
love's something you won't find
this gluttonous desire
for somebody to hold
Can never be fulfilled
Yet it will not be controlled

I miss feeling his heartbeat.
It was always so loud
And comforting.
I miss falling asleep on his chest
I miss crying in his arms
Crying is so lonely
Without him here to hold me
I miss holding his hand
I miss kissing him
I miss the way he would
Run his tongue along my lips
Playfully, jokingly
I miss the way he made me laugh
I miss his smile
His gorgeous smile
I miss watching him
As he walked beside me, holding my hand
Not a care in the world
I miss the way he laughed at me
Whenever I said something silly
With his eyebrows raised
And his crooked smile
I miss the way he would tickle me
I miss how he would promise things
And always follow through
I miss the way he would answer
The questions in the songs on the radio
I miss his silence
As he let me sing every song on the radio
I miss hugging him
I miss feeling his arms around me
In his tye-dye shirts
I miss him.
So much.

I looked into the mirror
To see
A terrifying monster
Staring back at me

I took a step back
And the monster did the same
Perfect timing
Perfect time frame

I made a confused face
And the monster copied me
A reflection of my actions
Oh what a sight it was to see

To test this beast I smiled
The monster smiled back
And I realized

I'm afraid of it
And it's afraid of me
Neither of us would hurt the other you see

And I learned
That the so called beast
Wasn't looking for a feast
Only someone who could love it

So
I became friends
With the monster in the mirror

And I discovered
What love really is