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I don't know how to react, I relapsed the pain is dragging me back..
To a place and time that I never thought I need back..
I see that, I'm too weak, a million thoughts, I can't speak..
Eyes wide shut I can't see..I guess there was a reason for that plan b..
An escape route, I hate how, Youve been feeling distant as of late now..
You're slipping, far away. To get back to you I'll find a way..
Whether it be today, tomorrow or my final day..ill love you forever hey baby..
My eyes burn, it's my turn. The right to misery that I've earned..
I've made mistakes but I've learned, you're everything my heart yearns..
My hearts broke, **** mixed with cigar smoke now I ****..
Puff puff ash it, by myself no passing, wish I had the answers to the same questions I keep asking..
Holding tight to memories, my demons own the best of me..
It's like my past keeps testing me, you can have whatever's left of me..
I know it's not much but it's all I own, you're a rolling stone I'm rolling ******, in your arms is where I called home..
Evicted, I've been cast out, future dreams diluted by past doubt..
All night I stayed up..crying for you til I passed out..
Woke up back to the nightmare, karmas a ***** and she don't fight fair..
Until you figure if you wanna love me or leave me I promise I'll be right here.
Where you met me. Alone and scared.
 Sep 2013 Selena Irulan
Sadie
Music
 Sep 2013 Selena Irulan
Sadie
It's Saturday morning.
3 am and counting
I've been staring at the
walls, ceiling, floors, sheets.
Anything my eyes can see.
I feel exhausted but I can't sleep again.
Instead I'm writing on this paper from
the light of my lamp.
I feel lonely again...
I walked by my sister's room and saw her asleep.
Stood outside my little siblings room and heard nothing.
My parents room was dark.
I'm listening to Nirvana and Kings of Leon and all
my tortured, pained music that can affect me
like no other.
The incredible pain and rawness you hear in their voices.
the twisted confusion in their lyrics.
This music understands me better than anybody I know.
I wrote this early this morning. Finally fell asleep at 5 am. Its back again too.
Copyright @ Sadie Whitney
little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won't flinch and
i won't blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
i won't blame you,
instead
i will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and i won't use it
yet.
US
When I saw your face
I was astonished by your presence
Surprised and confused and angry
I devoted a year of my life
Thinking about the possibility of "us"
You showed me that the possibility of us
Simply didn't exist
So I went on to someone else
Someone who has filled my life with passion
Someone whose presence encourages me to put on makeup in the morning
Someone who I have liked for so long
And tonight
You and him were face to face
It was the battle
That had always existed but never begun
You hugged me
To make him feel jealous
So thank you
Because five minutes later
He grabbed me
We embarked on a walk
Once again he said
"Why are you always so sad?"
Then he grabbed my face
Kissed it gently
Then more passionately
Suddenly we were on the ground
You get the gist
Long story short
Had it not been for you
I would have never loved him
I never thought I would say  this
But thank you
Because I am so in love with thought of a different "us"
While all of my friends will tell me no,
I say yes because I can't watch you go.

While all of my friends won't like you at all,
You're quite the catch, and it's worth the fall.

And though I've just met you, I can't help it, you see,
I'm thinking about you, hoping you're thinking about me.
The glow of neon lights illuminates the spot he stands,
It is raining and their reflections are quite clear on the ground,
Using one hand propped up against a street sign,
The other holding an almost invisible, dark umbrella,
One leg crossed fashionably over the other,
Long coat, hood up, shadowed face underneath,
    He waits.

Cars go by, all of any color, but really just one color; darkness,
They reflect the seafoam green, and cherry red lights of the lining shops,
The venders are fast asleep, for the hour is late,
Their shops are closed, but the lights show on,
The nearby pedestrians glance up at the man, the signs, but walk on,
But one girl, white coat, black hair, face in her phone,
    Walked
    Right
    Into him.

He felt it, she felt it; there was a shock between their hearts,
For one split second, they shared a soul, a past, a future,
Neither said anything, they just, stared into each other,
The light shined in her stormy blue and his oak brown eyes,
Mouths agape, he slowly started to smile,
“It’s been awhile since I saw an angel on Earth,”
    She gleamed.

“I knew I was waiting for something, didn’t know it was you-
Come with me.”

She went.
I am stubborn as a seashell.
With persistence,
I keep washing up on your shores,
begging you to keep me
and hold my hollow bones like precious stones.
i might add to this later i just needed to get it out
 Sep 2013 Selena Irulan
NitaAnn
Someone recently said to me, “God does not give you more than you can handle.” That’s really been weighing on my mind, it inches to the surface, and I feel a surge of anger, then it’s tucked back into the back of my mind. God does not give you more than you can handle?

I know my grandma believed that with all of her heart. Week after week, she would pray for the salvation of my mother, my father, my brothers, sister, and I. Every single night, she was down on her knees praying for redemption, and thanking God for the gifts he has given to her. And she believed it! I admired her strength and her belief in God, because I learned as a small child that God can give you more than you can handle, and when that happens, and you reach out for help, sometimes there’s no one there. I’m not going to sit here and write out examples and questions…such as, really, then why do children suffer and die from cancer?...because I’m sure there are those out there who can provide justification for that.

Sometimes I would ask my grandma about her unending faith in God. “Grandma, what if God doesn't answer? Is he too busy? “ I’d ask. And grandma would answer, “Nita, you just need to pray harder, God will hear you…just pray harder.” And I would remember her words at night, when I was scared and alone, I would think about her words when my father would touch me, and I would pray harder.
God doesn't give you more than you can handle!

Now, in the present, I know that I am “handling” it, but there’s no other choice, is there? Handle it, or give up? I don’t want to be here, facing all of this, and yet, here I am, “handling” it. Is this what it means? That God doesn't give you more than you can handle? Sure, my family and friends have suffered as a result of the abuse of my past. Is God giving them more than they can handle?
Does God ever give you more than you can handle?
Maybe God expects me to be stronger than I feel.
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