I couldn't let go. And just say no, because I'm an addict and once I got into the flow there's no doubt that the ps4 went into rest mode. When the poem that I wrote for you was lost to the abyss I grew despondent and may have suffered paralysis a minute or two before this revision. Here I sit with a stale cigarette because it's been a while. And I'm not talented, so after reading your poems I've decided to steal your style. Then I made a decision to cut the lights, making the room dark. Because maybe if I shut off a sense or two my mind could begin to spark.

And quit berating me like a shark over losing that last thought. Even though I know you feel that kind of energy that I'm so desperately trying to lay bare naked for you to see so ******* unapologetically.

So once again I apologize for my intrusion. I'll try to keep it short and to the point and omit the confusion... Just let that raw spongy meat fill the sink like a blood soaked delusion. I'm like a fungus trying to find that tender feeling. The very same that's left me reeling. Congealing at the mouth for a minute or two until I let the tears run that had been concealed as if in a Sun fusion tomb.

And not to be rude but these first lines are garbage. I wanted to save that last one because at least there was some heartfelt flow. Not just rhymes and the due time of some clandestine woe. Here we go.. I can't do this. It's like the moment has passed because it got ruined. And now I can't get back to the place where I'm imagining your face or our palms interlaced...

And now my phone is dying. I'm scrambling to the charger deranged and out of place. I can't let the phone die then one more time curse the sky and wonder why. I won't take it as a sign that these words aren't meant to be written while I'm trying to remember only what the last one said like it needed this phony precision... Just acting crazy and coddling this vision like it's my baby. Like 7AM is a normal time to still be up. I don't know, maybe? Maybe it's because I've been thinking about you lately. And the thought of that had me in denial, lady. And look at me getting cocky with what I say. Like I can stand here and act queer and make sloppy jokes like that's okay!?

Maybe that's the reason why I can't sleep. Because I can't even hide my pride any more this time. I'm tired of rhyming. I just want to touch on what you used to tell me was a piece of me that was inspiring. I'd be lying if I said I have any of it left because any notion of that premise is so much less than deft. And here I go thinking I'm about to touch upon what's left in my heart when I know just how it will end but no idea where to start. Maybe it will come to me if I talk about dreams. Something innocent enough to dilute my own selfish reprieve.

What you meant to me.. Has me stricken with grief. Every word that I write feels like a giant hypocrisy. Every time that I think these thoughts I want to drown myself in my sleep.

And now I have that other poem that's going through my head but you have no ideas as to how it sounded or what it said. I described myself as a felon for what I did to you. How I stole your time for my own designs that much I know is true. But the truth of the matter is I can't stop the superfluous rush of rhyming words that want to come and they need to hush up. I'm trying to come from the heart. And all I can say is that I'm in a lot of pain just trying to relay... Trying to close my eyes and enter that flow state. For you I will.. I'm awake with my intent. It's almost eight but not too late for me to tell you just how I feel. If I try to rhyme it's not going to be right. It kills me inside that it's hard to fight. But I guess that's typical. Because I'd rather think of what to say next than be literal. Because I'd rather be a figurative criminal than dig deeper. I'd rather grow cynical than for once just face the reaper. I know my character when I despise my own reflection that alternates between this state and a newly found perception Because I'd rather be an outcast. Reject and misunderstood preacher than a disciple... and I'm my only rival.. But this isn't a confession to you and this digression isn't the Bible...

Just a predecessor to an elaborate truth and one at which I've been so uncouth. I see a black hole when I close my eyes. I know that I tell lies and hide behind alibies so my vacancies are my disguise. Now does that suffice for my ******* ego? Can I finally tell someone that I love just how hard it was to let go. How two years have passed and nothing feels so special because someone met tonight lead me to retrograde and that was heavy.. But it was more like an epiphany. It forced my pride and opened wide the holes I have inside. The very same that came from the time we said goodbye. When I forced your hand and took that stand and created a divide. I try and I try to convince myself that I miss the idea of you. But I'd be lying. I changed things up and pressed my luck but here's to trying. The stupid rhymes won't go away. They think it's safe. They think it's dignified, composed, and chaste. Whatever their reasons they fight being erased. And I guess that's the next wave of emotion I have to face..  

Even in a room with no-one around. I have to think about how it was you who lifted me into the clouds, and I in turn always brought you to the ground. I do believe the love we had was profound. I knew that you could speak to me without a sound.

And yet we still drowned, and I'm left shaking, still headstrong and rationalizing and faking. Still ******* rhyming even though this is the second poem in the making. How I managed to render the most precious bond I had forever forsaking it. What I'm left with to know is that I have no right after all this time to come into your life.

What I've learned is there's a difference between what you know and what you believe. In a moment of clarity I know what I've got is deserving. And then choose to believe in nostalgia and empty tears. Because Nissa, darling, it's been two years. And you're a new person in the moment I was here. Somehow I hope that one day you will read this little post-it note that means more to me than any wisdom or quote in the few passages here that aren't cunning or rote. It wasn't meant for many eyes to see. But I can't take this familiar loneliness haunting me. And there I go trying to connect synapses into the next day like it matters as time elapses
I lay here in bed with nothing to say but convey memories within my head. They don't fill me with dread, I reminisce with a soft version of sober ringing like the singing call of the dead. And though it was fleeting you will never leave me. So from the deaths that I've caused this to follow is what I'm bereaving. I might have been dreaming but I once was believing that all my deceit could prevent me from grieving. Like I don't already know that you're long gone and I'm still breathing. Like I don't sit here seething and still trying to rhyme or think of that last design. Like I'm not lying at all or that I haven't been crying. Washed up water methods and coping mechanisms may sedate me for a week. I don't want all of your love because for me it was enough knowing we were Nissa and Cedric.

I'm beginning to understand why they say home is where the heart is because I scream while I'm alone remembering and receive no catharsis. It's why I starve myself of necessary sleep to stay awake then soothe myself when I shake reflecting on mistakes. Now I only have to wonder about what you're doing. Because I won't reach out, ungluing and unraveling a door that's been shut when just a reminder of you washed me into a rut. It's why the ocean's waves are bringing me peace. They're consistency is what I have left to just cease and desist when I grow sullen and remiss. When I've now spent my night writing this. When I miss your kiss, but truly long for your echo. When I know I have to move on now but I won't let go. I love you. Just in case.. You didn't know.

I'm not going to lie. I don't want to rhyme. Its 5 am and I'm thinking about how the time has been spent. How I'm now going to invent a way to be clever or crass but brass doesn't retain it's veneer unless it's polished. It stays clear. And so here I sit for the 27th hour of the day thinking of what to say, sour when my words are failing me. Where to start, I guess we could unravel the heart. I never had a problem with you pulling it apart. Because we would look inside to find what's missing. And together stitch it up with a necessary revision. And look at me reminiscing. And look at me all nostalgiac. I think the truth of the matter is that I can't miss you because I'm sick. I CAN'T allow the tears to come because it'd be too quick. I can't stop rhyming because I'm trying to say... something legitimate and embrace what you used to tell me. To recognize that side of my soul that could dive so deep. Instead I hear EVE 6 turning my heartbeat to a beautiful oblivion. And think I could distract myself from what has been haunting me since we went our separate ways. Or how you came into my mind so many times tonight... It was as if I was speaking with a familiar face. See for me understand I am a different kind of sober whale. I can't even find release while begging please and breaching the surface to just let it cease without indulging in despondence but the tears won't come and I think it's drowning me. Then I think this is so right with insight of the way we treated each other wrong inconspicuously and the burdens placed upon these lives. And all along I'd try to make a case and point regardless if it was yours or mine. I'd find value in the lesson and perplexion and what still doesn't make sense is how I'm ******* second guessing. My mind won't let me shut it off so maybe that's why I'm stressing? I had a single moment of clarity. Let's wait a moment and see if I will wake up before I sleep. Let's see if I reload this gun just for fun at what's taunting me. Let's see how many metaphors I can think of to wash away the tide. The only thing that's filled my dreams since the moment we said goodbye. I apologize for my intrusion, but it's no delusion when you and I were so INTegral there was no confusion. I felt the smallest waves you'd make and we'd come together full fledgling fusion. Diffusing what didn't serve us and make room for convalescence. But this time what I say may just explain why we slipped into evanescence. Because I just pulled off the latest trick from my belt that I fashioned as armor and wore as a pelt. But a one trick pony only has so many tickets to sell until realizing that his grandeur is his hell. So let me tell you what I know now. There's no place for me in your life. It's not right. And I didn't say goodbye. I didn't even try. I was so convinced that I was doing us a service and operating on pretenses. And now our time has passed and I'm grateful to have those fences to look over and know that I was truly blessed with something profound. Because you lifted me into the sky and I brought you to the ground. And all I deserve is nostalgia and the tears that I found. I just wish that I could tell you how much you mean to me. There will never come another like you. Not with your serendipity. One more cheap rhyme probably forms a design But I couldn't believe what I was selling. And you know Nissa that I know what it is to be a felon. So I'll go on telling the same story but I wanted you to know... It was with you only that so ever felt like home. And I learned there's a difference between what we know and what we believe. And what I know will never grant me any reprieve. I'm so caught in denial spinning spirals and trying to convince myself I miss the idea of you and me. But it's a lie and I know it. I miss your truth, our bond, and your ferocity. And that philosophy could never surmount to that pretense. The arrogant dense ***** who told you there was no recompense. There's no idea of us, only what we were. And I fantasize now of how I compromised when you were sure. I had every intention that my decision would provide a final cure. But there I go again like that filters out my impurity. Like a last ditch effort could ever comfort you now. I just hope that somehow you'll read this. I never grieved over you and very few eyes will see this.