Hypnophobia
A fear of sleep
A fear of dreaming
Much too deep
Hypnophobia
Close each eye
Lie in darkness
It hears your cry
Hypnophobia
Fall asleep
Hypnophobia
Dream so deep
Hypnophobia
Close those eyes
Hypnophobia
Will you arise?

It's only at nights when I start feeling lonely
Only at nights when it gets overwhelming
I miss those nights, so real, so true
I miss those times it was just me and you

I still cry to sleep almost every night
I wish you were here to hold me right
Sometimes in my dreams, I'd see you there
Almost as though you're real, I swear

When I dream of you, you seem so far
Missing you has left me a big scar
I called out your name but got no reply
Still I shout, until my throat goes dry

I don't hear your voice of comfort no more
But I shut people out, closing that door
I don't need them for you were all I need
Yet, in reality, who do I kid?

We used to dance under the moonlight
We'd look up to the starry night
A part of you will always have my heart
You light up my world even in the dark

I miss the times you'd hold me tight
And kiss my forehead after every single fight
I loved the way you made me happy
And showed me things I never could see

I miss those hugs and I really miss that smile
I miss the way you drove me crazily wild
Thinking of you used to help me get through
Now thinking of you just makes me feel blue

I lay awake at nights, wondering, what if?
Because right now I'm falling off a cliff
What if you were still alive and well?
You'd be able to pull me out of this hell

Memories of us now seemed like a nightmare
I'd wake up and find myself gasping for air
You're taunting me, you're making me feel weak
Stuff my mouth in my pillow to muffle my shriek

I hate feeling like this, hate what you did
It's not your fault still I blame you for it
I can't sleep because I'm afraid you'll appear
And just when I reach out, you'll disappear

There's this hollow feeling I feel now
You're not here to keep me safe and sound
Hypnophobia is the fear of sleeping
For when I try, I feel like I'm choking

I am not afraid of the night; I am afraid of its obligations. That tight fist of knowing that I could not have been born this way. For every fear there is said to be a triggering effect, someone holding the gun saying, ‘this may be my fault, but it’s still your story.’ A fear of sleep is a fear of losing control. In my hometown, there was a boy up my street that knew every part of you is a mouth. Look at you, how open you are. How your body can only say ‘yes’ to me. Look how your fight forgot you. I can never land a punch in my dreams, never can rip my attacker apart, nail by nail and see how helpless that house was. I’m not a fair fight, I don’t know a lot of words,  I don’t know how to say I slept with every man after you and woke up on fire. I don’t want to say everyone in my dreams is born out of you. I don’t know how to say you cannot have me. Not now. Not again. Don’t sleep by yourself. There must be some part of you that doesn’t trust the rest of you. Try to find someone who don’t want to gouge out her eyes just to make sense of the dark. This was never about finding a savior to share the bed with.

I am not lonely. I am not the weak calling my sickness the tyranny. What I feel is what I can’t hold, what I would win the world for.