I'd love something apotheogenic to get me out and unto
escapism, like some speed or *****. Halloween came
knocking again, the memories of her were so far away
it didn't matter. Give me an apotheogen over love

any day, the comedown/withdrawal is
more tolerable, I wanna be blown far far
away, adjust glutamate and GABA to keep
those fabled excitatory and inhibitory forces
bent to my pain; for which I'm responsible.
I hate having to curb my own autonomy.

I simply cannot fathom my own reason anymore
and it's conclusions are
killing me. "My mind
to your mind, my thoughts
to your thoughts". Of us three
which'll you trust? Psychonaut,
Dissonaut, or oneironaut. All this talk
of associatives, dissociates and spontaneity
has me lost. How will you find your way about?

Took half a milligram of bromazolam
after a long week, thoroughly enjoyed
the anxiolysis. Fifteen hours later
I can still feel its metabolites
at work, yet that feeling
when the world became a friendlier place
is unyielding.
I wonder how long I have before the rebound hits.

Odd to crave the lightness of something so apotheogenic,
Knowing full well
it's darkness.

I have been quiet these passing months,

Reflecting on my desires
amid this summer's solitude;
Their difference, and appearance,
These attitudes towards my future.
Odd to consider what changes in a year.

In May I moved back in with a few friends,
But after a month I move back out again.
As June comes to a close I find myself
at odds again, I assess 2C-T-21 but
it is unremarkable with effects
resembling a subdued 2C-E.
Given its toxic metabolites
I have no interest going
any further into it.
I guess they can't all be winners.

I attend the 2nd conference in
Philosophy and Psychedelics Studies
hosted by the University of Exeter. I applaud
the commitment and passion of this disparate group
of drug-addled academics, but still I am wary of our efforts.
It is a hard to study a thing
which alters the very faculties
of those who partake of it. As for
my own contribution, an old concept,
Apotheogenic.

Accidentally absorbed a couple milligrams of methamphetamine,
A threshold dose: felt euphoria, energy and a proportional crash.

I spent this time cycling around the city
and despite my very low dose
its action was apparent.

The experience reflected interestingly on that of MDMA,
They share in a certain 'magic', not miraculous of course
but extraordinary in their psychoactive effect.
It is significant and contentious insofar as
they are powerful agents, but
MA's mechanisms of action reveal it to be
dangerous in a way which seems inherent:
It is neurotoxic at moderate to high recreational doses.
In the recreational user it destroys the fabric of their human being.
In this regard it is monstrous.

It is cruel, apotheogenic yet
we are tasked with going beyond good and evil.
Though mired in dark magic
its knowledge is of considerable value
and it is even prescribed in the US
for ADD and obesity under the brand-name Desoxyn.
These ethics are tricky devils, lo and behold,

It is a weapon of a substance