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Niccolie junsay
Cebu, Philippines   

Poems

I thought that I was the next thompson
I can't unthink that now
I thought I was a pathetic little wannabe playing himself up to be something more
I can't unthink that now  
I stared at a women on the subway for a solid time and then wrote a note telling her she was beautiful and laid it beside her
I can’t unsay that now
I told my older brother that I think he has asbergers syndrome
I can’t unsay that now
I realized as I took a puff of a joint that I was only doing so because I wanted an excuse to sit and do nothing all day
I can’t unthink that now
Subsequently I understood that all of my consummate drug use is not in any sense exploration or experimentation but simply an escape from my persistent thought
I can’t unthink that now
While listening to a boost mobile add I realized that they were targeting black people by using words like “bling bling” and an obvious ebonic accent
I can’t unthink that now
I saw another ad where the bodyless voice claimed “size does matter” and realized that it was playing on the general inadequacy issues and ***** envy of most men
I can’t unthink that now
Standing on the street I thought about stepping in front of a bus
I can’t unthink that now
While discussing gender politics with a friend I drew a comparison between liberal activist sentiments and culturally accepted cannibalism
I can’t unsay that now
While holding a knife for a brief second I thought about pushing through her back
I can’t unthink that now
I told a black couple that they look exactly alike
I can’t unsay that now
I saw a thick assed black women walk past me and was over whelmed with jealousy at the idea that she would never sleep with a white boy like me
I can’t unthink that now
I heard about the lacrosse team at notre dame being accuse of ****** that girl and thought “how horrible now all of those guys lives are ruined”
I can’t unthink that now
I stood with some friends at a bar and derided them with ******* like “I ain’t got money like all you haha”
I can’t unsay that now
I told a my girlfriend that she had cankles
I can’t unsay that now
I asked my ex girlfriend if she wanted to have a ******* with my new girlfriend and I
I can’t unsay that now
I identified with the title of the nirvana song “I hate myself and want to die”
I can’t unthink that now
I thought that the world would probably be better and would function much more smoothly if there weren’t any races or religions
I can’t unthink that now
I thought that I would rather be black or gay because then I would have something to be angry about
I can’t unthink that now
I used to think about running away so then I could have one of those romantic stories of the runaway who went and made his own life
I can’t unthink that now
I used to wish my parents hated each other for similar reasons
I can’t unthink that now
I saw a beautiful ******* the street and immediately thought that she must be so boring because her whole life is given to her because she is so beautiful
I can’t unthink that now
I gave money to one of those gay rights activists on the street and felt smugly confident in my own liberal open-mindedness
I can’t unthink that now
I held a steak knife and wondered how it would feel to run it through my eye
I can’t unthink that now
I realized that if we believe that one action causes another our lives are fundamentally determined from the beginning and are therefore meaningless
I can’t unthink that now
I realized that if we really do have the power of choice then it inevitably follows that one action is not caused by another and that all of everything is essentially random and life is similarly meaningless
I can’t unthink that now
I realized that my life is only as good as it is because it is built on the backs of endless suffering others
I can’t unthink that now
I realized that despite all of these ugly and despicable realizations about myself I still think I’m a pretty good guy
I can’t unthink that now
gusto pud nako mafeel ang nafeel sa ubang baye.
kana bang panguyaban ka,
tapos isayaw ka sa laki sa tunga sa mga tawo,
haranahon sa balay, tagaan og bulak, magholding hands sa plaza, kantahan, ignan og pick-up lines, og uban pa.
kanang bang pakiligon ka niya.
gusto nako mafeel kung unsay feeling na naay nagmahal nimo.
pero unsaon man nako?
na ako usa ra man ka pobreng bayot
og maot pagyud
dili man ko usa ka baye
usahay makapangutana ko nganong wala pa man ko himoang baye sa ginoo?
muingon sila na ang yawa daw gahimo sa akoa
pero wala man nako gigusto na maning-ani ko.
manghinaot unta ko na naay mahigugma kanako pero kabalo ko nga wala
*hinaot unta na naa kay ako usa ra ka tawo nga nanginahanglan pud og gugma
111415-2159
Angelito D Libay Jun 2020
Unom ka bulan na ang nilabay
Sa unang pag wave nako sa imo ug pag HI
Akong kasakit, kagool, ug kalaay
Napulihan sa ngisi, pagkakita nako sa imong reply

Nakahinomdom pako sa una
Moving on ko; naay nagparamdam sa imoha
Abi jud nako ug kamo nang duha
Apan sa dihang gi-ghosting ra diay ka niya.

Mao to, niulpot akong kasingkasing sa kalipay
Paramdam dayon ko, wala nako nagdugay-dugay
Nagahamdom na mapansapin nimo ko bisan gamay
Ikaw naman gud ang gipangita sa akong kasingkasing kanunay

Dalawampu, baynti, o twenty
Bisan paman ug unsay tawag nato niini
Para sa ako adlaw ni na naay dakong bili
Sa atoang panaghinigalaay, mao ni atong monthsary.

Karon, boot nako isulti sa imoha pag usab
Na ako, dili magbag-o sa akong mga saad
Dili teka biyaan, tinood ni walay sagol ilad
Ubanan teka ug dili nako buhian ang imong mga palad.