M/North Western Oregon
World traveler, Yarn Spinner, Published writer, Front porch philosopher, back porch dreamer. Gentleman Farmer, Devoted Father and Grandfather. Lover of Nature. Proud to have been ...
How to cook a gourmet (whatever the hell that means) dinner:
Step 1: Send your boyfriend a text inviting him over for a romantic, candlelit home-cooked gourmet dinner.
Step 2: Remember that you are forever alone and don’t have a boyfriend.
Step 3: Go buy mass amounts of chocolate and cry about it.
Step 4: Get over it and invite over your grandmother instead.
Step 5: Preheat the oven to 975 degrees
Step 6: Freak out about the fire in your oven and turn it off.
Step 7: Open all your doors to let the smoke out.
Step 8: Get out all the ingredients you need for the recipe you are following.
Step 9: End up eating most of the ingredients before you even get to use them.
Step 10: Spill oil and wine all over your recipe book (umm pffft the wine is TOTALLY one of the ingredients, that’s why you had it out… heh heh… yeah…)
Step 11: Panic and try to dry it off by taking the book outside and waving it around.
Step 12: Watch in horror as all the pages in your book tear and fly off into the wind.
Step 13: Chase hopelessly after the pages down the block screaming swear words and having a heart attack.
Step 14: Politely smile and wave awkwardly at your neighbour who hates you.
Step 15: Yell an apology across the street to that other neighbour who REALLY doesn’t like you with the little five year old daughter who is now repeating all of your colorful vocabulary words you just yelled.
Step 16: Reluctantly accept the fact that your recipes are gone. And also that you have just contributed to the global problem of littering the streets.
Step 17: Walk back to your smoke-scented house in shame.
Step 18: Look through pictures of scrumptious-looking meals on Pinterest.
Step 19: Get inspired and decide to put your brilliant idea of creating your own recipe into action.
Step 20: Get out your frying pan and throw a bunch of random ingredients in.
Step 21: Put out yet another fire and realize that marshmallows, sprinkles, raisins, baking soda, orange peels and liquid gasoline probably wouldn’t have tasted very good together anyway.
Step 22: Wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
Step 23: Get distracted by the television for half an hour.
Step 24: Try to microwave 2 week old mac and cheese you forgot to throw out.
Step 25: Watch as your microwave malfunctions and spontaneously combusts.
Step 26: Decide to clean it up later because you just cannot even deal with it right now.
Step 27: Fill a *** with water to make pasta and try to boil the water.
Step 28: Somehow manage to burn the water.
Step 29: Wonder how that even happened?!!!!
Step 30: Give up and call the pizza delivery guy.
Step 31: When you grandmother arrives have her take a seat in the kitchen.
Step 32: Call an ambulance when she has a heart attack seeing the mess in your kitchen.
Step 33: Get ready to leave and drive after the ambulance to the hospital with your grandmother once the pizza arrives so you can bring it with you. Get a call from the pizza place.
Step 34: Listen to the manager explain that your pizza spontaneously burst into flames in the oven and they are terribly sorry there will be a delay in the delivery due to this.
Step 35: Pass out.
Stay tuned for more HOW TO posts :D
Hope this was helpful. If this offended you in any way, I apologize. I will cook you a gourmet meal to make up for it.