I aspired so much to be like her
I, myself, aspired so much to be like a person who didnt even aspire to be herself.
my thoughts were consumed with attempting to be like the girl i saw in front of me
but what were my eyes missing
My eyes, my eyes missed years of self despise, eyes filled with tears unable to cry, for she was too hurt.
My eyes missed the pain that she felt, the drugs she dealt all to gain new perspective and put a little green in the pockets that were almost torn.
i didnt even know who i was yet, but the thought of being her engulfed my every action.
all of my actions attempts to gain satifaction that i was one step closer to being the girl i saw.
and then was the moment i saw through it all.
this humpty dumpty i put so high up on an imaginary pedistol had her final fall.
This girl, was perfect, but in her mind she felt she didnt derserve it,
felt so far away from perfection she didnt know how to show it.
So she hid behind her clothes and her makeup, making everyone fall in love with a version of herself that was a lie.
A lie that left her broken and so unsure of herself and of peoples real emotions, because her real self had left so many turning for the door she didnt know how to portray herself in such a way to make anyone she loved or cared for stay.
Her story is real, her fall was so great that the impact was too much for her fragile broken body to take.
so she didnt take it. she took the easy way out.
she killed herself on the same day she lost herself long ago.
the same day she found that being a revolving door to men and their baggage was the only thing that made her forget for a while.
I hope shes happy where she is and i hope she will smile to know that i aspired to be the real her, not the one she appeared to be.

I don't derserve any form of indulgence
Rather I have much to penance
I can't yearn and long for that which I'm not worthy
My life's goals all set in stone yet so very blurry
Even death is not a luxury I can want
For my life is already lost

You.
You're amazing.
You're fun.
You're gorgeous.
You're crazy.
You're perfect.

Me.
I love you.
I'm boring.
I'm alright.
I'm not that great looking.
I'm insane, not crazy.
I'm so far from perfect.

You.
You derserve so much more than me.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to be with someone who loves you.

Me.
I do not deserve you.
I do not deserve happiness.
I do not want to lose you.

Words could not phrase how grateful I am,
How truely moved,
By your kindness,
Graced with your presence in my life.
But I am a human,
And doubt myself.
Whether or not you care as much for me,
Or if I'm even worth your effort to begin with.
These thoughts are everyday worries,
But now another comes into play.
I am inexperienced in love.
My first kiss has yet to Grace my lips,
But I am a terrified mouse.
Not because I doubt my feelings for you.
You're the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
But because I do not beleive I deserve your adoration.
The sweet words that pour from your mouth,
The flirtatious moments that work against me to ****** my heart,
Or what's left of it,
The consideration and worry,
And constant effort to make sure I'm happy and comfortable.
You are a gem,
Too priceless for me to own.
Too valuable to be under my jurisdiction.
And now when lovingly asked if I'd be okay with being kissed,
I cant help but freeze up.
Embarrassment over what may be my first kiss,
And doubts over whether I even derserve something so special from you,
Fill my mind and drive me to speechless-ness.

Letting the breeze kissed my face and my neck made it feel good...that night was calm and soothing... the perfect night.. all the darkness and mysteries of the night became my comfort.. breathing in that refreshing air made me happy and nothing is worth ruining my moments... those sweet and fresh breeze played with my hair and hold me like no one did before.. if i could describe that beautiful wind, i would call it in one word.... “peacefulness”.. it brought me all the happiness and confort that i deserve and this is the kind of company that ive been longing for... so much loneliness yet nothing feel discomfort... that silence became my happiness and made me forget that cruel world full of selfish people... that night gave me all the gentleness that I’ve been dying for..that  fresh wind conforts me and brought the best in me.. that’s what i derserve, some comfort and some loneliness