I don't want to be the way I am
And that's saying something
Given that I'm many different ways
Sometimes my throat closes up and I can't speak and I want to hide deep deep under ground
Disappear with every embarrassing tic
Shaking in place
And sometimes I don't ever shut up
And sometimes I'm joking
And sometimes I'm screaming
Bruising my own skin and pulling out eyelashes
Body made of lightning
Shaking in place
I hate the way I am
When my thoughts are going a million miles an hour and I get overwhelmed with the sound
I hate the way I am
When my processing is low and I can't understand and everything slows down
I jump emotional extremes and identities
Putting on masks and playing games
Like it's Build A Boy Workshop
Tell me who you want me to be
Because this isn't who I want to be

Look, I know
I should just go to sleep
Same as I know I'd get more done if I stopped writing poems
But if I go to sleep now
I'll dream of Death
About how close I can get before our fingers twine and
I can't get them undone
And I wonder if those who choose him regret it
Because it doesn't seem like there's much to regret right now

So I'll write instead of sleep
In hopes that I'll stumble upon some words of my own
That convince me I made the right choice
When I chose    
to stay