its summer and I ache when I think about it too much.
I miss when it didn't hurt.
when it wasnt drenched in mourning.
when i was 10 years old sitting on my twin sized bed with a chapter book in hand while my open window welcomed in the warm summer night air.
when the warm months were seemingly endless and full of long days spent innocently playing outside with my brothers and their friends.
I miss watching movies with my mom in her bed, falling asleep safe and content.
I miss when she'd come home from work and we were so excited to see each other. I always hugged too hard.
I still hug too hard.
I haven't changed much, im less blameless now but im still the same bright eyed and bushy tailed boy ive always been.
Bugs are still my best friends.
I still dive to the bottom of the river to swim with the fish and collect the prettiest river rocks for my friends.
I haven't changed much but I have a scar on my shoulder now.
you can see where each of his teeth sank into my skin.
I had to clean the blood myself. I cried a lot that day.
im 19 now and ive learned a lot of important lessons.
I dont think child me would like knowing what older me has been getting up to during these summers.
nights spent drunk texting from strangers couches.
bruised limbs and ****** noses and hickies.
being forced to learn how to be content alone.
having to learn how to pull myself back together without anyone's help after falling apart or pulling myself apart.
Its summer and I miss when I was so very small and so detached from the reality of my life that the word "family" still meant something.
i miss when things were more simple.
when Id spend my time at my dads hiding under the safety of the giant evergreen tree in the corner of the yard, pretending to be a wolf pup that lost its family and was living its own peaceful life after.
I felt safe under that tree, pretending I was alone.
I couldn't get hurt if nobody was around to hurt me.
i miss how content i felt living my make believe life.
what makes me sad is knowing I cant go back to that time.
and what makes me even sadder is knowing thats a good thing.
sometimes I think i miss childhood innocence until i remember i didnt even have it to begin with.
i forget that what i miss is half believing my own facade of that innocence.
my childhood is a dead thing that won't stay buried.
its rot poisoned me and im just starting to get better.
im thankful i can never go back even if it hurts.

warm golden sun rays shine through the grey clouds and hazy mist
I listen to the soft sound of rain hitting the earth
and the rustling of the meadows long grass swaying in the wind
i watch raindrops drip from flower petals
i feel both at home and out of place
the cold rain soaks through my clothes
today smells like petrichor and lilacs
and nostalgia for a time I long for but cannot get back

you are warm and kind and you give me butterflies
when i am with you things feel bright and exciting
you make me feel like I am in home depots lighting section

We used to go on walks together all the time, especially during summer.
A picnic table at the park on the way home was where we would always stop to rest afterwards.
And I can't help but say that the hill it resided on gave us a lovely view of the sunset and city lights across the river.
We would just sit there, close enough for our legs and shoulders to touch, laughing and talking or finding contentment in a comfortable silence.
Today I sat on the picnic table alone, you've been gone for a little while now.
l was shivering from the rain that soaked through my clothing and the wind stung my tearstained skin.
And I can't help but say that the sunset and city lights across the river was a lonely view without you there.
You've been gone for little while now.
Summer doesn't feel right without you.

I don't want to be so scared of death, but I am soft and weak so I will cry
But at the same time the thought of death is winsome in some way
After I've been here for enough time and experienced all of what I longed for and loved all the people dear to me, the thought of my bones resting in the soft earth gives me a sense of comfort
But im scared because I don't want to leave all of those wonderful things behind
I cling to how it feels to be alive like a little kid might cling to their leaving mother, weeping and trying to hold on
Can't I stay? please?

Under the calm damp shade of some trees in a field that wildflowers have made into their home, you're lying on your back.
There's a change in your heart rhythm.
An unfamiliar numbness creeps in.
Your breathing becomes a little laboured.
There's a sick feeling in your stomach.
Your gaze is fixed upon your delicate fingers as they slowly tear apart the beautiful purple flowers you had been holding.
Lately it seems like thats what you do with most things.
But you're starting to do it less.
You wonder if any of this matters.
It does.
you cant stay the same forever.
Its change, its necessary
Everything is burning and growing and changing and you're slowly getting better.
Not all good things last but neither do all the painful things.
Your desolation is quieting down and becoming easier to get through.
Close your eyes and pay attention to the sound of the gentle breeze swaying the grass in the field of flowers you lie in.
its going to be okay.

You and I are parallel lines
always close but never touching
Theres nothing between us but the distance I created
Bruised skin and laughing through the tears
Late night videogames and cold numbing rain
Unsent messages of abhorrence
I thought about calling you on your birthday,
september arrived and it didn't feel right without you
but im thankful you're gone

Gently place your hands on my sides, feel each breath I take. Delicately pry apart my ribs. I won't reveal secrets on my own, but I'll answer truthfully to the questions you ask.
Tear me apart in the soft and winsome way you do most things. It doesn't hurt to explore.
You'll find things such as empty suburban roads and sidewalks in the night, kissed by raindrops illuminated by the streetlamps. And gentle sleepy kisses in the safe and quiet darkness of a bedroom at 4 am. Old love poems written on wrists and bandages placed over scraped hands and knees.
You'll find broken ****** bones and golden ichor dripping from cut lips and the remains of stars that still burn hot and glowing. You'll hear the softest saddest noises, quiet whimpers and shaky breaths caught between choked up sobs. I will cling to you as if you're the only thing that's keeping me alive (and I will push you away for the same reason).
You'll find a starry-eyed hopeless romantic, smudged makeup with glittery golden tear stains, bruises painting a body that was once an empty canvas, and the lovely sound of laughing through whatever pain may be felt.
You'll find me wanting to forget everything in existence except for how I feel in this moment and how you look at me as we cry

No place feels safe enough for you when searing incandescent flames reside in your own body.
It completely consumes you and the smoke fills your lungs and you suffocate.
Nobody will touch you, but they can tell there's something wrong. They know theres been something painful slowly burning you from the inside, and they know its safest for them to keep you at a distance.
You ache and burn and all you want is to be safe.
To be reduced to nothing but ash is all you can hope for.

I've realized escape is non-existent.
Even when I attempt to sleep it all away, the memories come back to me in my dreams.
In the dreams I always get so close to escape, and then its ripped away from me.
It always ends the same. It ends with myself curled up on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest, letting out ragged breaths between choked up sobs as I bleed.

At night I see the stars shine and I imagine the way they might burn my fingertips if I could touch them, its a strange homesick feeling.
I sit alone on my bedroom floor, mostly unclothed, letting the darkness envelop me as the cold air sends shivers down my spine.
Moments come and go so quickly, you never know how much meaning one holds until its gone and its become a hazy memory that you try to cling onto.
These are the hours I drown in longing for something I've never had, but its also when I drown in longing for something I once had in the past.
These are the hours for aching lovesick poets that romanticize their pain, trying to turn it into something beautiful.

I thought home was a place
but because of you im sure its a person
I hope you can find home in me too

I always forget how much all of this hurts because of how happy and safe you make me feel
but last night I cried for you on the shower floor at 2 am, and my entire body ached with longing as I thought about how much I want to hold you
But I can't say it
When I fall asleep and slip into a dream, its a summer night where the incandescent stars kiss the darkness, and you're there with me
its hazy and warm, and you're there with me
I think I might be a little starry eyed

I talk about you to the moon and she listens to my soft lovesick whimpers
I tell her you're like the sun to me so that she understands the human feeling of love
she says she can't be with the sun and now I understand I can't be with you either

I hadn't slept or ate in days
It was 3:26 am when I cried on the cold bathroom floor
I couldn't ******* breathe
I cried so hard that I was suffocating
my throat burned and everything was dark and blurry
I cried all night and held my pillow, pretending that it was you
In the morning I shakily typed out a long message to send to you
I was in so much pain and I just needed someone to be there for me
But I never sent the message
Because I knew you wouldn't be there for me even you promised you always would

I saw you today for the first time in forever
Your hair was long and you seemed incredibly empty
I hope that emptiness stays with you
I hope you can't sleep at night
I wish I had pushed you away but I was so consumed by fear that I couldn't move
I can still feel your hands and I can still hear your voice and now my favorite shirt smells like you
I can't sleep and I can't eat and I think I might feel empty too

you're 5 years old and mom is sitting on the edge of your bed after reading a book to you, she gives you a goodnight kiss on your cheek as she wishes you sweet dreams and you're pretty sure there isn't any feeling better than the comfort you just felt
you're 16 now and the clock says it's 11:56 pm and you know its rainy out, but your friend ran outside to play in the pouring rain after you told her not to. You went after her like you always do.
She was standing under a streetlight and she called you an idiot for following her out into the rain
You laughed and said you would follow her anywhere.
It scared you to say it out loud, your hands were shaking
Her hand now grips one of yours and you feel her other hand on your waist
And now she is kissing you and both of your bodies are numb from the cold and rainwater is dripping down your face along with hers too
She pulls you closer and you can feel her bite your lip slightly and everything feels soft and messy and you're pretty sure there isn't any feeling better than knowing how starlight tastes

You're 11 years old and while at your friends house, you both are sitting on the couch while listening to her older sister share stories from when she was in highschool. She tells the story about how she had her first boyfriend at age 15, and how thats when she experienced heartbreak. She jokingly tells you two to stay away from boys, warning you specifically about the pretty ones who are troublemakers, because you'll fall in love and your heart will break
You're 15 now and you're sitting on the roof of your friends house. Sneaking up here with her during the summer to watch the sun begin to set has become one of your favorite things.
Warm golden sunlight is shining down on her, it sort of illuminates her features and it makes her eyes shine a little brighter, and you're looking at her lips and then you realize you've stared at her for longer than you should have. You stared longer than what would be considered appropriate. She stared back at you just the same.
She smiles at you, making your heart skip a beat because she looks so angelic and in that moment you felt your entire body ache with what you can only describe as longing.
  They told you about the pretty boys who cause trouble and they warned you about how they would break your heart.
But they didnt tell you about the pretty girls with messy black hair and brown eyes that shine golden in the sunlight. They didn't warn you about how you would stay up at night wishing to hold her in your arms, knowing you couldn't because you knew she was in love with a boy

Warm crimson liquid drips off the golden blade of a sword held by someone you know but can't remember
  its something beautiful and poetic

As wildflowers are consumed by smoldering flames, ash and smoke rise and fall through the air
You're on the ground with burning lungs and hands that won't stop shaking
   its something alluring but agonizing

You hear angelic laughter, it sounds like your lover but it isn't so sweet this time
You know its not them
  its something lovely but sickening

Your entire body aches as you wonder why humans are so fragile
Theres a warm and metallic taste on your lips and tongue, you recognize that its blood, you can't tell if it yours
This is all beautiful and poetic in a bit of a tragic way

Incandescent light spills out of you
Yet somehow you can't see that you're made of the stars
Your beauty cannot be contained
I hope you can one day fall in love with yourself as I have

The shimmering gold mixing with the soft amber tones of the lake creates a swirling effect, resembling little galaxies. Theres incandescent stardust on my skin. Everything is warm and hazy and I think I might've fallen asleep in the pool of sunlight that I fell into.

I know a girl who calls me her dear flower
and flowers are pleasant at first
but they're difficult to care for
People pour too much into the delicate plant
or they dont pour enough
People pluck the petals off one by one
she loves me, she loves me not
I am wilting and my roots are slowly rotting
something is wrong
and eventually I will be forgotten about

maybe we are born to run wild and free under the stars and rain
maybe we are born with shattered hearts and burning lungs
maybe we are who we are for too many different reasons

They tore my wings from my body
Out of the sky I fell hard and fast towards the ground
They have deep red blood dripping down their hands, staining their own skin.
Deep scars now run down my back where my skin was torn
I can still feel the burning agony as they ripped me apart
I can still hear their angelic laughter as they asked me why I wasn't flying
I can still taste the blood in my mouth as I screamed.
You said you would protect me.
When I heard the other angels laughter, I heard yours too.
Why didn't you protect me?

I have fought so hard to not let myself open up or get attached
I cant fight anymore and I'm tired
l feel like a safe place to rest is when I'm beside you
I trust you will stay by my side for a little while
So I'll be still, close my eyes, and allow myself to be soft and weak, if it means you let me rest beside you so I can feel like the warmth of the sun is shining on me as I remember what it feels like to love

I sit still in the comforting darkness of my room
My head rests on the open window sill as music quietly plays
Shivering, I cover myself in a blanket, wishing it was you instead that was keeping me warm
I stare out the window at the stars in the midnight sky
They are as far away as I feel from you.

You were like the sky
I fell in love with the warmth of your sunlight that shone down on me
I accepted that as the sky, you werent always golden sun rays, and that you had cloudy days that would come with rain.
With your sun and rain, you made me grow and bloom. Soft petals and leaves decorated by the small droplets of water looked lovely with the sun glimmering on it. I adored what you made me, and what we were together.
I seemed to not realize there was not only rain but there were storms too, because I was caught up in how beautiful you were.
One day It hit me. Hail and rain pelting down harshly on my soft delicate petals, violent winds uprooting me, tearing me to bits without showing mercy. All that remained of me was my torn pieces.
Maybe next time I meet someone like you, I will remember even the most warm and beautiful sky has storms