its summer and I ache when I think about it too much.
I miss when it didn't hurt.
when it wasnt drenched in mourning.
when i was 10 years old sitting on my twin sized bed with a chapter book in hand while my open window welcomed in the warm summer night air.
when the warm months were seemingly endless and full of long days spent innocently playing outside with my brothers and their friends.
I miss watching movies with my mom in her bed, falling asleep safe and content.
I miss when she'd come home from work and we were so excited to see each other. I always hugged too hard.
I still hug too hard.
I haven't changed much, im less blameless now but im still the same bright eyed and bushy tailed boy ive always been.
Bugs are still my best friends.
I still dive to the bottom of the river to swim with the fish and collect the prettiest river rocks for my friends.
I haven't changed much but I have a scar on my shoulder now.
you can see where each of his teeth sank into my skin.
I had to clean the blood myself. I cried a lot that day.
im 19 now and ive learned a lot of important lessons.
I dont think child me would like knowing what older me has been getting up to during these summers.
nights spent drunk texting from strangers couches.
bruised limbs and ****** noses and hickies.
being forced to learn how to be content alone.
having to learn how to pull myself back together without anyone's help after falling apart or pulling myself apart.
Its summer and I miss when I was so very small and so detached from the reality of my life that the word "family" still meant something.
i miss when things were more simple.
when Id spend my time at my dads hiding under the safety of the giant evergreen tree in the corner of the yard, pretending to be a wolf pup that lost its family and was living its own peaceful life after.
I felt safe under that tree, pretending I was alone.
I couldn't get hurt if nobody was around to hurt me.
i miss how content i felt living my make believe life.
what makes me sad is knowing I cant go back to that time.
and what makes me even sadder is knowing thats a good thing.
sometimes I think i miss childhood innocence until i remember i didnt even have it to begin with.
i forget that what i miss is half believing my own facade of that innocence.
my childhood is a dead thing that won't stay buried.
its rot poisoned me and im just starting to get better.
im thankful i can never go back even if it hurts.

warm golden sun rays shine through the grey clouds and hazy mist
I listen to the soft sound of rain hitting the earth
and the rustling of the meadows long grass swaying in the wind
i watch raindrops drip from flower petals
i feel both at home and out of place
the cold rain soaks through my clothes
today smells like petrichor and lilacs
and nostalgia for a time I long for but cannot get back

you are warm and kind and you give me butterflies
when i am with you things feel bright and exciting
you make me feel like I am in home depots lighting section

We used to go on walks together all the time, especially during summer.
A picnic table at the park on the way home was where we would always stop to rest afterwards.
And I can't help but say that the hill it resided on gave us a lovely view of the sunset and city lights across the river.
We would just sit there, close enough for our legs and shoulders to touch, laughing and talking or finding contentment in a comfortable silence.
Today I sat on the picnic table alone, you've been gone for a little while now.
l was shivering from the rain that soaked through my clothing and the wind stung my tearstained skin.
And I can't help but say that the sunset and city lights across the river was a lonely view without you there.
You've been gone for little while now.
Summer doesn't feel right without you.

I don't want to be so scared of death, but I am soft and weak so I will cry
But at the same time the thought of death is winsome in some way
After I've been here for enough time and experienced all of what I longed for and loved all the people dear to me, the thought of my bones resting in the soft earth gives me a sense of comfort
But im scared because I don't want to leave all of those wonderful things behind
I cling to how it feels to be alive like a little kid might cling to their leaving mother, weeping and trying to hold on
Can't I stay? please?

Under the calm damp shade of some trees in a field that wildflowers have made into their home, you're lying on your back.
There's a change in your heart rhythm.
An unfamiliar numbness creeps in.
Your breathing becomes a little laboured.
There's a sick feeling in your stomach.
Your gaze is fixed upon your delicate fingers as they slowly tear apart the beautiful purple flowers you had been holding.
Lately it seems like thats what you do with most things.
But you're starting to do it less.
You wonder if any of this matters.
It does.
you cant stay the same forever.
Its change, its necessary
Everything is burning and growing and changing and you're slowly getting better.
Not all good things last but neither do all the painful things.
Your desolation is quieting down and becoming easier to get through.
Close your eyes and pay attention to the sound of the gentle breeze swaying the grass in the field of flowers you lie in.
its going to be okay.