I keep my feelings in a bottle and I carry them around.
Corked and sealed I keep my emotions bound.
But the weight is getting heavy and my chest is starting to ache.
And I'm not too sure how much more of this I can take.
To expose them is to risky.
The price is too steep.
The thought of being vulnerable makes my heart skip a beat.
The fear of rejection and humiliation keep my emotions at bay.
I would rather tell a lie than say what I really wanna say.
Just like Romeo and Caesar I have a flawed personality.
Does this mean that I am ****** to live out a tragedy.

Every day I try
To keep my heart
From breaking.

My name is only spoken in hushed voices and whispers,
And our intimacy is hidden behind closed doors and secrets.
Because I'm not the girl you wanna be with,
I'm just the girl who's good enough to sleep with.
But I allow myself to believe the lies,
Because being naive is always prettier than the truth.
So I let myself be the whisper of the truth,
And that 3am call of loneliness.

They say, love is beautiful, enjoy the ride.
Well my ride is bringing me up and down,
And I feel so sick but I don't want to get off.
I don't want to leave.
I hope that the ride will get better,
But the lows are getting lower,
And the tunnels are getting darker.
And I'm holding on so tight that my knuckles are white.
I'm scared that if I let go, I will fall, and I will break.
The ride swipes the ground from under my feet,
And turns my world around and I'm lost in the mix.
What was once butterflies in my stomach,
Is now anxiety in my chest.
And as much as I want to stay on the ride,
As much as I hope that the ride will get better,
I know that it's time for me to get off.

What's wrong with me?
What makes me so undisirable?
Is it the way I put your needs before my own?
Or the way that I care about how your feeling?
Maybe it's the way I try to make you happy?
Because no matter what I do you don't want me.
No matter what I do I'm not good enough.
So I constantly try to fix myself.
Turn into someone worthy enough of your attention.
Am I nice enough?
Maybe I need a better sense of humor?
How can I make my body more attractive?
Guys like girls who are ****,
How can I be more ****?
And no matter what I try to fix it never seems to work,
But maybe that's because I'm not the one that's broken.

You only call me in the middle of the night.
Words are slurring you're trying to convince me you're alright.
You miss me you wanna see me, can we hang out soon?
You sound like a wolf howling cat calls at the moon.
Full moon full moon high in the sky, come back down to earth and sit at my side.
But the sun starts rising and the moon starts to fade.
Made invisible by the suns bright rays.
The wolf is now gone, long since disappeared.
This exactly what full moon had feared.
But the wolf will be back when he's feeling alone, he'll howl at the moon, such an alluring tone.

There once was a girl with a very big heart.
With her kindness and compassion, from others stood apart.
She wanted to share her happiness with everyone she met.
Her selfishness was surely her greatest asset.
So she began her journey and headed out into the world.
And this how the young girls story starts to unfurl.
She gave a piece of her heart to every stranger in need.
Her love was a flower and her heart was the seed.
She gave a piece of her heart to an old lady dressed in rags.
Her heart was inside of a grocery bag.
She gave a piece of her heart to a baby bird in distress.
When she replaced him to his mothers warm nest.
She gave a piece of her heart to a boy who fell from a tree.
As she placed a band aid upon his scraped knee.
With a look of surprise the little boy said "how do you still have a heart if all you do is give?
With out a heart there is no way you could live!"
She realized what she had done, and began to cry.
Her heart was gone forever, she didn't even get to say goodbye.
She ran to the doctor with tears in her eyes,
"I don't have a heart! Am I going to die?"
With a slight smile the doctor did say,
"My dear that's not your heart that's love that you gave!"

Almost everyday I feel like crying.
At first my emotions are under control
Then in the blink of an eye despair sinks in.
My chest feels tight, my heart aches.
I feel like at any moment I'll break down,
Allow the tears to pour freely from my eyes.
But I don't, I keep it in.
I do not give myself the satisfaction,
Of the body trembling
Earth shattering
Cry that I yearn for.
I take a deep breath
To ease the tightness of my chest,
And hope that I make it through another day
With out giving in to my weakness.

I can't make you want me.
I can't make you care,
About my feelings or emotions,
You left my heart bare.
I cry over you,
Although I know it wont faze you.

Tears fall from my eyes,
As I try to forget you.
It hurts to be unwanted,
Left to the side,
Forgotten about in the blink of an eye.
I feel so insignificant,
So incredibly small,
Knowing that I meant nothing at all.

But I can't make you want me.
I know you don't care.
As much as I want you,
You'll never be there.

That day I saw you again, after 3 years,
I should have walked away.
No I should have RAN away,
as fast as my legs would take me…
But I didn’t.
I was drawn to you once again.
And before I knew it I was brought back into your world.
Where we would spend lazy days laying in bed joking,
as if we never spent time apart.
I let myself fall for you.
With your beautiful brown eyes and lips that were perfect for kissing,
I yearned to be held in your arms.
But as much as I loved you,
you couldn’t love me.
I was willing to give you anything.
If you would please
just
            LOVE
                             me...
But love can not be forced
or demanded.
You did not love me.
I couldn’t understand why you didn’t care about me
and you couldn’t understand why I was hurt.
And there we stood,
at a standstill.
We were both there, but it was like we lived different stories.
I didn’t want to leave,
but I had to leave,
because the more I gave to you,
the more I lost of myself,
and I was almost disappearing.

I hate you.
I hate that I think about you
I hate that you don't think about me.
I hate that little things remind me of you
I hate that you forgot about me.
I hate that I talk about you
I hate that I cry about you
I hate that I still care about you
I hate that you ignore me.
I hate that I know you use me
I hate that I let you use me.
I hate that your still on my mind
I hate seeing pictures of you
I hate hearing about you
I hate being interested in what you do.
I hate texting you
I hate that you don't respond.
I hate thinking about you every day
I hate the disappointment you bring
I hate the sadness I feel.
I hate that I can't have you
I hate that I can't get away from you
I hate that I don't try to.

The silence of the room, I sit and let my mind wander.
Things go wrong why should I even bother.
I think back to the night, I saw you across the room with her.
Kept finishing my drinks, til the night became a blur.
I believed the lies you told me.
Felt safe when you would hold me.
But it was all just an act, a scene in your play.
I played the fool, and regret it everyday.
The curtains are pulled, and every thing goes dark.
I sit and let my mind wander, as I slowly fall apart.

I woke up today feeling lonely,
As if my dreams used up all my happiness.
I look at the time, ten-thirty.
I feel the hollowness creeping into my chest,
I try to fall back into a peaceful sleep,
But it's to late, ten-fifty.
So I get out of bed to begin my day,
Knowing that the emptiness will linger.

I know I'm just a cure for your loneliness,
That's okay cause I'm lonely too.
Loneliness feels empty,
I feel empty, how about you?
We try to escape that loneliness,
As we meet between the sheets.
And for a very brief moment,
Our loneliness, takes the back seat.

I wake up in the morning, defeated by my dreams.
You pull my heart apart, you rip me at the seams.
I try so hard to be happy, I try not to care.
But loneliness seeps in, all alone, no ones there.

I put on my mask and continue with my day,
Pretending that I'm happy, it's easier this way.
I try to clear my mind, push out all despair,
Yet loneliness seeps in, all alone, no ones there.

Shuffle through the motions, don't pay attention to what I do,
I cannot force mind to stop thinking about you.
Yes I know that you don't want me, of this I am aware.
So loneliness seeps in, all alone, no ones there.

I lay in bed, to rest for the night,
Tear sting my eyes, impeding my sight.
A hallowed soul, into the darkness I stare,
As loneliness seeps in, all alone, no ones there.

Here's a short story about a girl,
She had a very big heart, or so I've heard.
She was always open, loving, and kind,
If  you were sad she always had a kind word.
She loved to love, no matter what the cost.
So a cycle emerged, she loved and she lost.
Sometimes it was tough, her heart took some beatings,
But love and compassion always pulled at her heart strings.
So she continued the cycle of loving and losing,
Not completely confident in what she was doing.
I wish I could say that this story ends well,
But that's a part of the story I cannot yet tell.

I can't force myself to stop thinking about you,
My mind's a mess, my thoughts are askew.
I have crazy notions running through my head,
I'm angry at myself for the tears that I've shed.
Cause it doesn't matter it's all in vain,
I'm causing my self all this pain.
You don't care that I felt betrayed,
I try to hide my hurt, continue my charade.
I wish I could've push you away as easily as you pushed me,
Maybe then things wouldn't have ended badly.
I wonder how it would be to stop all feeling,
Would it be a curse, or more like a blessing.
A moment of peace, a quiet emptiness,
my mind as blank as a bare canvas.

I sang a song so beautifully the melody like a symphony.
But then i messed up, isn’t that rough.
And a man looked at me and said, “it’s okay there’s second best you see.”
The words they seem to follow me, always second best at everything.
I met a boy and liked him so, further and further I’d let him go.
I gave myself fully, thought he felt for me truly.
But it was a lie, as I saw with my eyes.
His ex by his side, his hand running up her thigh.
And as he look at me he said, “you’ll always be second best to me”
The words they still follow me, always second best you see.
Always second best that's me, always second best at everything.

Falling is the easy part,
It's picking up the pieces that make it difficult,
As you find that the pieces don't fit together as snugly as they used to,
Tiny pieces go missing,
Gone forever
We gather the fragments of what used to be whole,
Trying to rebuild the wreckage
Imperfections now grace the surface,
It's been damaged, but it's no longer broken

I know I'm just temporary, you remind me every day.
With the things that you do, and the things that you say.
I try to pretend it doesn't hurt me, but I'm starting to get weak.
I'm breaking and crumbling with every word that you speak.
You think your words have no impact but I feel the blows.
I try my best to hide the hurt, so that no body knows.
But I'm starting to get weak, my emotions seeping through.
I want to be strong but I don't know what to do.
So I let you walk all over me, stomp me to the ground.
And like the fool I am, I still stick around.

It's such a cruel game you play,
And she is nothing but your pawn.
You make all the moves,
And she is left at your mercy.
Sometimes your touch is gentle,
And other times you crush her.
You leave her bent and broken,
Nothing but pieces.
But she craves the gentle touch,
So she foolishly returns.
You allow her to come back,
Only to crush her once again.
Regardless how many times she plays,
She can never win the game.

I knew a girl who had no soul,
Void of emotion, just an empty hole.
Beneath her chest lay a heart of stone,
No heart to love so she's all alone.
She longs for someone to set her free,
To save her from her misery.

She lays awake in the middle of the night,
Waiting for her dreams to veil her sight.
For only in her dreams does her heart begin to beat,
Only in her dreams can she feel the suns heat.
In her dreams she feels alive,
But eventually her dream does die.

When she awakes she's still alone.
Her chest still hallow, her heart still stone.

I've always had trouble walking away,
Not willing to move on from what was clearly a disaster,
Instead settling for holding onto the wreckage.
In hope that maybe I could somehow,
Fix it,
Change it,
Make it work,
Get him to stay.
But as hard as I wish and hope, it doesn't change.
Because you can't fix someone who wants to stay broken,
You can't change someone who is stuck in their ways,
You can't make things work on your own,
And you can't force someone to stay when they clearly want to leave.

One day, I will fall out of love with you.
I'll wake up in the morning and you won't be the first thing on my mind,
Nor will you be the last thing on my mind before I drift off to sleep.
I'll no longer be worried about you when you're driving in bad weather,
And I won't have the urge to care for you when you're sick.
I'll no longer care if you had dinner or if you needed me to cook.
I won't let you cross my mind or flood my memories.
I'll no longer yearn to be held in your arms, they will bring no comfort.
I will no longer beg for your touch, in hope of receiving affection.
I'll stop making excuses for the way that you treat me,
And I'll stand up for myself like I couldn't before.
I won't forgive you, and I won't run back like I did so many times in the past.
Because finally, I will no longer be afraid of losing you.
Because I will not love you.

Someone asked me why I only write sad poems,
I never noticed that was a reoccurring theme.
I've had my share of ups and downs,
But the lows seem to linger,
Replaying scenes of tragedy,
Until my thoughts consume me.
With so many questions filling my head,
I feel like I'm drowning in emotions.
Some people have their therapists,
But I have my leather bound book,
Filled with my thoughts and feelings.
Because sometimes it's easier to write a poem,
Than admit that you feel alone.