You were supposed to care.
You were supposed to be there,
to hold my hand along the way,
to stay, make me feel safe.

You were supposed to dance with me at prom.
Hadn't we been waiting for so long?
You had to be there when I went to college that very first day,
reminding me constantly everything would be ok.

You were supposed to meet my first boyfriend and try to drive him out of town,
but I never expected it to be the other way around.
You needed to be there in my darkest times,
telling me grades are just numbers, I'd be just fine.

You were supposed to teach me how to drive.
Clutch, gear, brake! Don't worry, you'll survive!
You had to be there when physics started being senseless,
"yes it is! It's God's way to show us his Greatness!"

You were supposed to be there when I was performing on a stage,
feeling proud I was finally making a change.
You needed to be there to help me make desicions,
support me while I was transforming my life's vision.

You are still supposed to be here.
You are still supposed to care.
I'm not supposed to feel fear
every time I remember your face.

And I just know it all too well...

You won't be there on graduation
to hug me and show appreciation.
You won't be there when I get my first job,
cheer me up saying "you rock!"

You won't be there to walk me down the aisle
with tears in your eyes and in complete denial.
You won't see how your grandchildren look,
you'll never know if they resemble you.

You won't be there when I achieve my goals,
you won't be there to celebrate them as yours.

So I won't be there when you need me the most.
I won't be there to catch  you when you fall.
'Cause you were supposed to care,
to be there and hold my hand.
To act like a real dad,
to the daughter you once had...

Don't be fooled by the mask I create
For it is all a lie
Underneath my calm sophisticated facade
There is nothing but lies and sadness

I need you to help me
I need you to reach out
Wipe the blind stare of the living dead away from my face
So that my heart can grow small but feeble wings
I need you to breathe life into me

After you find what a wreck I am
will you still care?

Crucified

My  spirit cries         
     in grief              
and in  dismay.    
 The   reality  of  
what  you purpousfully have done  to   me.
I  reflect upon
the intentional hurt and hate    
from you   to me
That's when I see...
Where you've gone out of your way
to make sure things were extra hard for me.
When your the one who is supposed to
Show me love Unconditionally .
I see where you
       shattered          
the  remains            
of   an already          
fractured heart . 
There is agony in every  salty tear,
That fills the open wounds
as they streams down from in sorrow.
                          The  shards of  malice         ­                for years            
piercing deep          
into my very soul      
and embeding          
their sharp.            
slivered tips            
just like the nails that          
penetrated the hands and feet of the "Son".
As you spew like lava the words
roll off your forked tongue.
Only after their  burden I carry the weight  'across'   a
rough and rugged path as they grows heavier  and bigger
I make my way to where finally, stripped of any last
shred of dignity, left hanging there up high upon your
wicked, evil, vengeful lies.
Am I....
I am THAT Iam

Fire and brimstone are nothing compared,
To the hell that I see, that I live, that I am.
You see, Hell is not a place where the ****** are condemned,
But a place in my head where Regret is the king.

It's a place where everything I wish I could've taken back,
Is played over and over and over again.
Torturing me and who I want to be,
With the image of who I was in the past.

Regret is the king, but Satan is me.
I am the accused, the shamed, the opposer.
The struggle is defining who I am today,
In the midst of the memories that I refuse to believe.

Demons are the memories that haunt me.
Beckoning me with false justification.
Chastising me with the whip of ignorance.
Killing me with the truth of my actions.

Hell is not the domain of evil.
Hell is not the source of all wrong.
Hell is a place inside of our heads.
Where we refuse to go and never want to be.