She reaches out to touch me,
and I don't feel it.

The gesture, the movement
Was there
But is she?

Clouds filled with density floating around
It's the particles
Better than dry air

I look into her eyes
I am sad, I feel alone
I say nothing,
Please don't let me sulk
Draw the line

Distance apart
Hearts separated
"I'm not sure anymore"
I let out a deep sigh,
is your heart still in it?

Laughs of despair and mania
A contrast of the two,
one cannot live without the other

And so the times go on
We keep feeling, in our beds, under our sheets
Pondering
The thoughts we only think up when we are alive
and sleep

Is she in it?/Or is it just me?
Can she still be there?/Or will she set it free?
It,
my heart, my blades, all my weapons
I lay it all on the table
Awareness of always on the defense
I cross my heart

There are reasons, I have you know
That all of this isn't about gaining trust
It's about gaining pain

I turn around on the bed,
not visualizing her leaving me
She buttons up her jacket
"I can't do this anymore"

I let out a deep sigh
Sharp pains in my chest
My throat getting tight
Feels like a blow to the face
Of icy wind that is getting into my eye and salt sizzling inside

It hurts.

But I love you.

I let out a deep sigh
A wish
"Is this love?"
Throw a penny
into the home-made drum
It bounces not once but twice.
That's a double yes.

Hopefully my hopelessness doesn't get in the way
Wishing, well
Wallowing me not

it's not that
i still love you,
it's just that
i don't yet know
how to be
around you without
reaching out
for your
hand

That tiny devil whispers to me,
"Come on, darling, let them run free!"
He sits on my shoulder and purrs in my ear,
"Baby, baby, you don't need to fear.
I won't hurt you, trust and see,"
This is what he says to me.
Day after day he cries out my name
Pleading with me not to feel shame.
"These deeds are not sins," he whispers with glee,
"These deeds will release you, like a bird on a tree."

I wasn't always so easily discouraged.
I used to bristle with enthusiasm.
I glowed with it.
It didn't matter if the task was simple, or tedious, or daunting, or boring.
As though on rails, I slammed into each and every task with terrific force.

But I got older.
Things that used to come easily grew slippery.
What I used to do without thinking twice, I found myself over-thinking.
I threw the brake. I ground to a halt.
Finally, I became idle. A left-over husk of a kernel that's already been popped.
I drowned myself with doubts. Hypothetical situations that might never happen.
I lived in fear of what might go wrong.

So I began to watch everything go wrong, as though I was helpless.
I was no less able. I was no less compassionate.
But I had grown wary. Of what?
What was it that, out of nowhere, caused me to slow down?

I guess I looked down and realized that if I fell, I would not be getting back up.

When you're young, you have no worries, because nothing is relying on your success.
So you mess up a math problem. You'll get it eventually.
So you botch things with that cute girl who sits across from you. You're young, you'll get it.
Re-assurance, faithfully, unwaveringly. A safety line should I fall.
But I never really fell, did I? So why am I laying down like I have?

Get up.

Get up.

I worry about everything. I worry that I will fail.

I dread what comes, what I can't avoid. But time, and time, again, it comes, and I miraculously don't die when it hits, because I've been bracing for a train-wreck impact, a force that will really, truly, finally, definitely lay me flat for good.

I close my eyes, and brace. But the crash never comes. The silence that was continued to be.

I turn behind me, but there's no train there.

I'm starting to realize, with relief, (with horror), that maybe all I needed to do was step off the track.

I look down, and realize, with a first-creeping then-howling laughter that I was never on the track to begin with.

I look off where the track is. There's no train there, either. Maybe there never was.

Maybe there never will be.

Maybe tomorrow
or the next day
     the next?
Possibly I'll find a loophole
to avoid getting this fixed.
And next week I'll crumble
from neglecting my head,
next year there is a chance
that I'll be bled out and dead.
Hell, an hour from now
a plane might fall
dive into my building.
I wouldn't mind if a disaster
accidentally killed me.
Tomorrow or the next day
or the next day or the next.
I'll never get it done, I know,
I'll never be my best.

It amazes me that God made mouths,
knowing that they'd talk this much;
                                   judge this much,
                                   hurt this much,
                                   curse this much,
But everybody rambles, everybody spits venom at their mirrored flesh,
people who are just like you, just like me, just like everyone.
We do it anyway.

"She's not you," he said
as if I didn't know
as if I wasn't aware at that moment
with every fiber of my being
as I sat shotgun in his Jeep
that she was everything I wasn't

"I thought I'd be able to forget you," he said
as if I'd forgotten him
as if I didn't remember every stolen glance
every accidental brush of our flesh
every moment I thought I'd imagined

"I'm so sorry. This isn't fair," he said
as if I thought it was
and I had to remind myself to breathe, breathe
to blink my eyes clear
as I watched raindrops hit the black windshield
trickle down the glass, washing it
clean

"I will always care about you," he said
and my will was not enough
to keep my heart from splitting
along the scars and stitches of its past.

So you'd like to date my daughter,
This I can tell,
So line up behind the others,
And I'll see if you suit her well,

Now come here boy,
Just one to one,
Man to man,
It's okay, I may look stern, But I love to have fun,

So, son, what do you like,
Oh come on, you know what I mean,
What's your favorite curve on a woman's body?
Like *******, legs, thighs, ****, and do you like em thick or like em lean?

Oh ******* you say?
I see... I see...
Get out of my sight!
If you still want her, you will have to **** me!

Ah, you look like a nice chap,
what's your pleasure?
What's your favorite curve on a woman's body?
On which does her beauty measure?

Oh you like her rear?
Oh, well I do hope you like my daughter's,
For that's all you'll see as she walks away with me from you,
Sickening, disgusting, these gentlemen, not gentle but marauders,

Oh so it's legs?
Don't leave now and I'll break yours,
Oh so it's thighs?
Get out of my way! I'll find one who'll make her heart soar!

Last but not least...
Will I find no peace...?
So young man, I will ask you the same,
What of a woman has your testosterone release?

Well good sir,
Your daughter's attractive,
I cannot put this in ample words,
But it is not of that that she has my heart held captive,

I've heard you've asked of her body,
And my sir, if I may have the nerve,
For it is her smile, it is any woman's best curve,

Treat her well son.

The amount of days I've been given have been kind, but each day rather cruel
Trying to lift the thumb off my back of the looming stresses that rule
It could be me again and this is not the end, if fact it probably is
So before I unleash my problems, swear to mind your business

I would be lying if I said I wanted this day to last a forever
Because I found myself one forever short once we weren't together
I've said my piece so many times the puzzle is almost complete
So I've decided it's time to get off my knees and back onto my feet

I've fallen so much I keep Flintstones band-aids close at hand
My heart sewn to my sleeve for only you, which I've yet to understand
You unscrewed the machine that was me and left the parts on the floor
And I'm pretty sure I won't work just right anymore

Fading is the dynasty of what we labeled our so-called "love"
Like sticking my foot inside my sock at night to find it's a glove
The discombobulation is so overwhelming, I think the ocean is jealous
Could I start swimming now or is that being too over-zealous

Life is hard and the people crammed in it tend to make it worse
At times I tell myself it to cry, look to the sky, and curse
But there's a tune in my mind that won't seem to shut up from that one song
Telling me life is a ride, kid: grieve, learn, burn, and move on