I read
your words
over and
over
again

Trying to
figure
if
you’ve written
anything
for me

Then I remember
I am not
her

I don't just want
your hand in marriage

I want
your laugh to
be always connected
with me.

I don't
want to
feel your tounge

I want to
see it move
at 2 a.m.
swirling,
"The baby. Your turn"

and I know
that may
just
be
too
much
to ask.

I just hope I find
the courage
to ask.

All I think this
Needs
Is a sprinkle of
You.

i am a *** driven soldier plundering though broken lightbulbs with
polite toes
(and i like that sometimes)
my hair smells like yesterday's memories
(and i like that when you leave me)
i
feel numb
both in my head and through my palms.

i wear my insecurities like my eyeliner, bold,
thick, never exactly matching,
never exactly perfect.
i embrace my flaws, like i shake
my *** when i dance,
unsteady. wild, a flame that festers
and blossoms.
i kiss my demons, like i eat a
milkshake, salivating, slurping,
a lover with no inhibitions.

i do not wear my insecurities,
instead i shove them down my throat,
hoping the stomach acid will dissolve.
destroy. them.
i do not embrace my flaws,
instead i push them back hard,
watching them fall to the ground and
break like glass.
i do not kiss my demons,
instead i spit in their faces, bite on
their cheeks until the hot, pulsing
tastes like
peppermint.

i have sunk into a slow numbness,
perhaps because something broke over me
the second i saw you again.
i realized,
it's better to be in full-blown sorrow
than in a fragile happiness,
forever staving off the blackness.

but instead, i have sunk into a slow numbness.
perhaps because you look away from me now
the exact same way that i look away from you.
your aversion gives me numbness.
don't you see it?
that's all this ever was. a fear of the numbness. a fear of the pain.
your indifference gives me numbness
because who wants to feel it
when the ripping apart begins.

i have smoked to numbness.
i have cried to numbness.
i have raged to numbness.
i have laughed to numbness.
i have embraced the numbness.
i have dug myself into numbness
but you gave me the shovel.

you gave me the numbness.
and i feel absolutely fine. i feel nothing at all.

I could love her forever.

She reaches out to touch me
I turn and move so delicately
as if she's made of china and she'll crack
or even break.
And I take her smile and file it in the memory stack
where,
when I'm sad and lonely I keep going back
to look at her.
I really like the way she lets her hair
hang free
as if she leaves it there for me to let my right hand wander through.
She knows just what to do.
She lets me know that too.

I could love her forever

and if forever does arrive.
one look into her eyes
and I'll love her even longer
when that love will be much stronger
and forever won't exist
only in the mist of our imaginations
and the creations of our minds.