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I once held a pen in a calloused hand,
a pen which I compared to you.
With that pen a story was wrought,
a page of my life through and through.

Much like the dying sun,
there is brilliance before it sets.
With my heart I'd say it was the same for me,
the page was as beautiful as it gets.

I wrote and I wrote,
I wrote till my hand bled.
The pen; never-ending as it was,
brought the page to life when the book was dead.

The pen gave birth to feelings,
so ethereal, yet so tangible.
Feelings never written in the book again,
every other page jumbled and illegible.

Unlike the previous pages,
this one wasn't scribbled upon.
This was a piece of endless art,
crafted by that pen each and every waking dawn.

The pen moved, it glided across,
writing, shaping  those words.
And as the page filled with her,
It was then I realized what really hurts.

It was the fear, it was the scratch,
writing the closure of the beginning.
I would fear the ink was running out,
it would seem like the page was already ending.

And for all the joy it brought,
and in all my persistent revelry,
I had soon forgotten of the ink's transience,
and of my malicious ecstasy.

It spread, oh lord it did,
like a poison in these veins.
The page soaked too much of the ink,
it ruined itself to the pen's disdain.

The page became fuller,
with the wan and wax of the moon.
Even when I would not write,
sprawled across were pretty words of doom.

And as it so ended,
with the page having no more space,
The pen, untimely, was forced to stop,
with the book shut on my grave, derived of any trace...
Why does life
Destroy all the good
But leave all the bad
Why

Why does life
Take away the people that have meaning in this world
But leave all the ****** bags
Why

Why does life
Put so much darkness in the world
That you can barely see the light
Why

Life is a game
That only the lucky can win
Life isn't supposed to be easy
So we need to be strong

We need to show life
That we're just pieces in it's game
Yes, we will play but still lose
But this time, we won't give in
twenty one and burned out
like a cup over a candle.
"you're so young, you're too young,
you're too young to even realize how young you are."
he said to me before i went home the other night.
i laughed and tried to believe him, while trying to laugh in a way
that would display the many lives that lay within me.
i wish the world would start noticing
how looks are deceiving and hearts are receding and bodies are forgiving.
i've spent too much time living the lives of the ghosts that haunt me.
i'm exhausted from moving out and moving in,
trying different lives on like clothes that don't fit -
peering into the lives of other girls who tell me
that they are addicted to feeling accomplished and not
defeated, while i nod in silence,
then spend the entire night awake, wondering
what they mean.
i've dreamt up a million ways you could have said goodbye.
i've spent two years in the waiting room of hope,
only to be called into the office of indifference,
which happens every time i show up
to my appointments with forgiveness.
i'm still waiting to meet him.
but it's alright, my name will come up on the list
of names soon.
it's all over now and i've grown into being glad.
i learned patience the way i learned to walk.
sometimes i miss it, the way the sadness was a lifestyle,
but novelties become exhausting and boring and
so overly dramatic and annoying.
i'm still frustrated, you know.
even though i make it look easy.
being pretty is like putting on a movie you have no
intention of paying attention to.
it's easy and i don't care.
by saying that, i mean i don't need you,
the way you think i look like i do.
what i'm trying to say is, i still love you
even though admitting mistakes is not
something humans brag about very often.
Maybe I'm just too childish to be Blind.
             Perhaps it is that simple,
This easy
                If only you would allow.
Just be Honest.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Innocence reigns through each and every vision
Not enough wisdom;
                                    Cannot make differences coincide.
Cannot take more;
                                Comfort in so many options.
While others have less than none.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind
           This weakness of over Simplification.
Most say it's Utopian.
                                      This perfect world that can
                                                Never Exist.
Causing this insane world view
               That is actually the most sane.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Something happens as we age...
Added complications, useless reasons,
                                                             Just the bully on the playground.
            Something changes as we age...
Pain of others easy to avoid,
                                              Just close your eyes.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Or
                     Maybe I'm just one of few still able to
                                                See.


**Oct 9, 2013
Writing is my escape
A place i can go and
Disappear
Because everything around me
Is mine

My words are not your vacation
Not a resort set up on a beach
In the mountains
By the sea
Not a place made for you to go
To enjoy
To bring the family and take
Cliché pictures and souvenirs

This land is mine
And the only person I aim to please
Is myself.

T.11.I
So early, it is
That the sun has not stretched and risen over the mountainside
Only streetlamps cast yellowed light
Glinting off the slickwet pavement
After a night of soothing, chilling rain.

The rain lulls me
Like the song of a mother much unlike my own
Who croons to a child not because they fuss
But because she wishes to soothe them further
Into the sweetsoft pillow of sleep.

My fingers are chilled
And I long to lay naked in the warmth of
The electric coils buried in the soft blanket
That murmur words of sleep
And unending warmth.

But I rise, sadly
Don corduroy and a sweater older than I am
As well as slipping on the regret and the guilt
For actions done and undone
Of yesterday.

If I could choose
I would lay infinitely in the land of full warmth
And self-love and no regrets
Perhaps with someone by my side
On endless autumn mornings after rain.
Breathe.

Inhale deep.
Let the afternoon sink
into your tired lungs
on golden wings of daylight
and ease.

Breathe.

Exhale slow.
Let oxygen, nitrogen,
carbon dioxide and pollution
whisper from your bloodstream
and mingle with the trees.

Purify.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Breathe.

Count to five (for me).

One:
stretch each muscle of your fingertips--
first knuckle,
second knuckle,
third.

Two:
curl your toes inside your shoes;
feel your socks stretch
inch by
inch.

Three:
spell your name until it sticks;
seven letters raindance
just to comfort
you.

Four:
Tell me where you live,
how the squeak-springed couch sinks
under the weight of family
and love.

Five:
close for me your tired eyes;
shifting patterns of stars wrap your dark
in brightness
and calm.

Then breathe.
Inhale deep and exhale slow.
Untie the knots from your shoulders,
and open the cage to your chest.

Breathe.
I'm tired of it all
Being short , not being tall
Sick& depressed
An ever need for rest
Binge, purge, cut , starve
A human shell, pleas don't tell
I'm a girl who needs time
For some piece of mind
It'll take me a while to cough up a smile
Let me sleep ,let me rest
Ill surface my best
You'll be disappointed
I'm broken , no token, no prize, no win
Anxious and stale
I beg you don't tell,
Fatigued and relieved
My tiring shell indeed
Tired
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