As you lay back on the forest floor
You are graced
By a dim light
That glows through your blonde hairs,
Like a halo all around you.

You are an angel to me.

When you exhale,
A trail of smoke rises from your cracked lips
And dances through the trees,
Celebrating it's freedom
From your lungs.

You watch it fade out,
It's bittersweet scent
Still clinging to the air.

This
this isn't a sin.

This is heaven itself.

I find purpose
In the way your chest
Rises slower than it falls
And I find peace
Halfway past this moment and
An arms-length from the sun.

Go ahead
Do it
Be mad at me for caring
But your anger is usless
I can't stop
C a r i n g
For you
I mean how could I
What kind of sister would I be
What kind of a person
I'm sorry I don't want you to end up      b   r  o  k  e  n
Like me, like this mess of a girl
I'm sorry you don't know or can even begin to understand what goes on behind closed doors
Closed memories
     Closed people
I'm sorry that you don't know or can even begin to understand how It feels for me or for anyone else outside of yourself
But most of all I'm sorry I couldn't have cared just a little more to protect you from what you are becoming.

I keep putting myself into a smaller box,
And then complain that I feel claustrophobic.
And I make the walls thicker,
And I make them sound proof,
And I make the doors increasingly harder to open.
And then I complain.
Because I put myself in a room with pictures,
But no windows.
I do it so that I can't see the present,
And I can't see the future coming.
All I can see is the past.
All I can see are pictures of my old boxes,
The bigger boxes.
Boxes that I could get out of.
I'm in one without a door right now.
I'm going to stay here for a very long time.

I’m trapped
In a labyrinth of thoughts
A complicated irregular network
Of nonsensical passages
I wonder
Will I ever escape
Will I ever get to feel
Or to taste
What this place
Has conjured up
And passed off
As reality
But in my heart I know
I never will
I’ll exist here forever
From this place
I’ll watch my body rot
And feel my mind disintegrate
My only escape
From the present
Is the future
Though I know
It’s nonexistent
So what’s the point
Is there a reason
Because I need one
I’m beginning to tire
Of this never-ending puzzle
When I think I’ve found my way out
I get lost again
When I begin to see a light
At the end of the tunnel
It flickers off,
toying with my head
And I’m lost again
Was there ever a time
When I wasn’t
Was there ever a time
When my mind could be free
I can’t remember

The flood gates break free and in anger I nearly drown.
Depression sets in as the waves finally begin to die down.

Hopelessness rises up. Confusion, pain, loss.
Feelings grow worse and I hope that I'm wrong.

I'd rather not say what I think. None of it really matters.
I don't need you; you don't need me. It drags me down faster.

You're no good for me and I just can't save you.
So I'm just stepping out. God will show me what to do.

Of course! I still have to pray for you. If not, it'd be a sin.
I may be done with you and this. But my God still lies within.

Maybe you'll be saved. And who knows? Then you'd be good for me.
But I can't lead you there. I'm just not good enough to set you free.

I just can't stop the flood. So I guess I'll be forever wading.
And forever I'll be watching. Praying.. Hoping... Waiting....

Once we were able
To lie down together
And forget the world.
But now,
the insomnia keeps me up,
I stare at the walls of my room
As you softly snore
And I wonder
How I ever
Only amounted to
A supporting actress
In my own life.