I don't want to grow old,
alone, by myself.
My heart has grown cold,
for I love no one else.

This isolation brings pain,
I don't think you understand.
I'm sane but insane,
I'm just a broken man.

The world is so big,
and I am so small.
I find the deeper I dig,
the farther I fall.

I feel beaten down,
and lost without hope.
I'm nowhere to be found,
just another lost soul.

I will rise from the ash,
of my burnt up past,
when I find you again,
if I find you my friend.

Lets face it.
Shes better than me.

Shes cool and collected.
Im funny and quirky.

Shes elegant,
Graceful.

Im clumsy,
Very , very  clumsy.

Dark, smooth, silky hair
Frames her snow white face,
High cheekbones and all.

Golden ,Wild ringlet curls,
Fall where ever they please,
Around my pale, undefined face.

She was the new girl,
That I once was.

She writes beautiful music,
And her voice,
Clean as a whistle.

I barley write poems,
And my voice,
Comes from the bottom of my soul.

Shes just effortlessly thin,

While i struggle everyday,
With trying to look normal.


Wait.
Just wait.
Why am I comparing?
...
Oh yeah,

You.

Just thinking about you
And her.
Or even you,
And anybody
Makes me want to,
Crawl back,
Into my now broken shell.
And now you will see her,
In a different light.
And i am in the background,
With my eyelids pried open,
Being forced to watch.

Normally if fall into darkness,
You would grab my hand,
And pull me in the spotlight,
With you.
But what if your not there this time?
Questions like that,
Rip apart my mind.
I get to see,
Just how good of an actor,
you REALLY are.

A girl passes me,
Written on her heart,
Is your name .
Another girl then passes me,
It reads the same.
This happens several times.
Then,
My head freezes over.
And my mind blanks out.
Leaving only one thought.
"Am I a fool?"
Do you want to
"play" with my emotions?
Do you want to
Act to see if you can get the lead?
Do you want to
See how many hearts you can win?
Is that what your doing?
Or are they pushing themselves
On you?
I never have,
I wouldn't know the experience.
Thats why i question you.
Your motives.

I felt maybe i was different.
You remember almost everything.,
I say.
You tell me everything.
You hang around ,
me.
So what does that mean?
Huh?
I dont want to assume the worst,
If you are pure of heart.
But my gut is telling me otherwise.
But as for that girl,
I will have to sit and wait,
Just like i have been doing.
Except this has a new deadline.
And will help with your story,
And especially my story.

Theres a lump in my throut,
I don't know what i feel,
Jealousy?
Defeat?
I just want you to be happy,
And i don't know who that is,
Yet.

Show me how to heal, not to hurt.
Show me how to feel, not to strangle.

Tell me how to mend, not to destroy.
Tell me how to defend, not to attack.

Teach me how to share, not to be selfish.
Teach me how to care, not to fear.

I want to tell the truth, not to lie.
I want to live, not to die.

We are imperfect.

Well, darling, we've surpassed 3 a.m.
And 4 a.m....5 a.m....and 6...
Talking about our life together,
Only theoretically of course,
And I haven't freaked out.  Even when
You said the word "marriage," I didn't
Blink an eye and I took it in stride.

And when you said "children," I smiled;
An image of dark haired babes screaming,
Us two standing and laughing because
We just don't know what the **** to do.
My hair would be frazzled, hoisting one
On my hip as I sing lullabies.
And our toddler would be sitting
On your lap, chattering as your eyes
Widen, overwhelmed with her questions.
How I love your dark beautiful eyes.

I don't picture a white picket fence
With a manicured lawn and flowers
But I envision the two of us
Becoming older and sassier.
We are infinite for a while
Until I wake up one fateful day
And I realize that you have passed on.

But I gather the grand-kids around
And with a glimmer in my eye, I
Tell our story sparing no details
Because someone has to remember
When I am dead and gone from the world.
And when I close my eyes for the last
Time, I smile and say: "Remember,
Darling, when we were just pretending?"
And my soul will depart my body,
Find and join yours in our own heaven.

So answer me and please be honest;
Baby, will you live this dream with me?