is this how i feel or is it how im supposed to feel. i hope to understand the difference fully. it takes time. im supposed to use my senses to feel things to calm the nonstop talking in my head. its working. i feel the ridges of my two front teeth. the keys im pressing feel smooth. i think i smell the lemon from my dinner and i hear the ac, my show, a small hum, room tone.

packing up my stuff, im leaving in days
i know its not goodbye
but its growth
a leap
a feeling
a new place with new experiences
and i could not be feeling better

this is all for a reason

if you watched through a window of my life
youd see me trying so hard to figure out what is real and fake
that i missed the point completely
that all that really matters is what i make
and what i like
and what i feel

because i feel so deeply people think its a joke
its too hard to even speak of because whenever i try my facetime freezes

and this poor connection is upsetting

lifeless
on my phone
like i was just at home now
but im across the road
in a new state
and now a new life

holding on to what i can
im so unhappy
im

am i enough of that
why do they hate me
why cant words come out of my mouth correctly

im writing this but i don't really even want to hear what you say

i have to remind myself to be honest. if nothing else, be honest. i know you love her, be honest. i know its hard to say no, be honest. only do what you like, be honest. it will forever not be alright, be honest. if its out of touch, be honest. if i want you back, be honest.

and if you're so honest. you better follow through

the bed is colder than i remember
but i only remember the summer

only meant to be left to the side
perfect for the times you're not busy
and this trip might be the last one for me

if i cut the cord will you still call?
you know we have cell phones now
and i keep my air pods in just in case i catch your stare

the text was sent, i lit up. another was sent. i turned over to my side and looked at the wall for an extended amount of time. instead of responding i created new ideas in my head. places i would rather spend time in. versions of people that didn't exist, that always understood me. there were some that made me happy, some that made me sad, so sad, i cried. these people weren't real? why did i feel more towards them. i fell back asleep and when i woke up i felt clear headed. i responded to that text. i knew what i wanted.

looking for something
returning with nothing
ripped sleeves and ****** knees

i was hoping for a moment of your time, and it looks like instead I got the blue laced face that showed up in your head.

it all happened one night,
and you know who you are.

touch my toes
lick my wrist
smell the salt
sick in the sand

wait for me next time

i need you so much closer
and i scream your name
and i think about you every night
and i wonder how ill make it
without the sun in the sky
the green in the grass
the blue in the eyes
the yellow in the rays
that hit your face
and the last time I saw you
you were covered in grey

but i know
that it'll come when its meant to
no matter how far we climb and
how far we come
i need you so much closer

i like you and it feels like
i don't know how to form the shape of a letter
and the word forms took too long to sound out
so i nodded in your direction
and looked at you so intensely  
only hoping you'd get the message

and this feels like 2017 again
and that was a good year but
will 2019 feel like 2021
and so on

if i only reset every once and a while
then i dont really need to be here for a while
cause i'll be back every other
and every odd will feel like the other

can you?
will you?
trust you?
love you?
hurt you?
support you?
feel you?
relieve you?
be everything to you?

i can do anything
and if i dont quit
then i am about to see
something bigger than before

a whole another level
its not even the same game
and the more i try
the harder it comes
but the more i see it through

the glass is foggy
but getting clearer everyday

i know whats its like to not have the person you want notice what you want but baby im here right now so you better use your hands

and i guess thats why im sharing this with you now

give me what i want

waiting for an email back
that maybe could change my life?
one step at a time
in line
down the only path
that could cross my mind

i thought about running into you. not you, but YOU. if i saw your face, i would fall to the ground and close my eyes until you weren't there. nothing different to when we were together. does everything compare to you? did i lose everything that i wanted? with a few words, with one night. it was so so long ago. too long ago to remember it correctly. but i still remember you were sunlit. and now i cant let anyone close enough.

today i thought about literally doing anything and everything that comes to mind once i get my camera. i think its time to put some importance to my thoughts and stop worrying about if its the right thing to think. putting together puzzle pieces takes a few tries. a little time. some rotations. stepping away for a little. new point of views shouldn't scare you.

split in half
we thought you would be dead by now
when it actually happens
they scream FINALLY

and we sit in the shadows
next year we won't have to be where we are
we could graduate into the darkness forever
where no one could tell me anything

yes we just had a fight  
we stared at each other for hours at a time
but she said nothing

so i put her there
so i never have to write again
and instead ill bottle up these feelings
and become SO BRIGHT
that my laptop screen will look dim at night

feel like im overflowing
but cant say a word
and i always kept it positive
didnt say a word

but you fell back
and put me off track
just like you ******* planned it
too much pain to understand it

my left hand felt it
and my right hand curled
turned around and saw the evidence
that i was never what you deserved

if we are talking about poems
ill break your heart
but if we are talking about power moves
ill break your neck

and if we are being honest
if you stay in my way
ill make you switch lanes

i never shared my songs with you, but i tried so hard to stay above it. To not want it, like I wanted you. To heal and love again. But who is there to love again? I've been writing poems again. Hearing your voice in my head again. Thinking about what or if could've been. Not worth the pain again. But its been so long. And I've been out of luck and out of love again. So monotoned again. Hoping you'll come back home again.

Although I'm not sure where home is, again.

im glad you waited
but more importantly im glad i took it

backyard looking a little dead
phone looking like i was left on read

how th e fu ck am i supposed to pick up these leaves
when my hand is twea k ing from this coffee

my fence is 10 feet tall
if i see your stupid *** head

i might grab the rake
and if my phone rings again

some silence might be what we need

thought about you
thought about him
im just so curious
i cant stay the same

INT PURGATORY

A room full of well dressed NYU kids that are all A & Rs, models, artists, and film students chat in a the corner. Buzz cuts everywhere. The spotify pollen playlist plays on repeat.

A point and shoot rises and FLASH. You've made it to a scene where well dressed and well connected kids think they know everything in the world. They think their parents money gives them a vision. And the number of monthly listeners that the data brought in actually means something.

If you try to say something about that tho, you're blocked by the deciders of the culture. So you better work for free and give them all your ideas so their shallow lifestyles don't seem so wishy washy.

After all? You need the connections and exposure pays the bills now!

settling into a new place.
making it home

its not just being here
but being apart of here

it was harder than i thought,
but its all starting to come together
and to feel like home

finishing up the past four years of my life
and i could not be prouder
because i went through so much, yet still came so far

and i can only think that this is what the rest of my life holds

two words are enough to make you put it in reserve
go back to my page cause you love it
and i saw you through the window
but you never came through you dont love it

it's because of my parents

no ones doing great

but theres still room for

growth  

the timing is just about there

this is what i mean when i see people doing me
but i already moved on and their out of my lives?
so you can stay behind while i see the finish line

feeling intense
and missing out
one let to the other
and your more practical than before
but you forgot what it is like to not make sense
reversed it when you could've just leaned to the left
and on the left to the right and gone full circle

the house you dreamed about, was just a memory, and its harder to find. its not even for sale, let alone on the market.

and i know its hard but its where you are.
maybe eventually, maybe one day, maybe a wednesday or a thursday, it will feel like a home again.

she dreams in primarily colors
and listens to the same tune
i do
and i think about her
until i see the way she does  

flushed cheeks, loose sleeves
fourth of july is only for the lonely ones

i will continue to line my playlists one by one
until the list is too long
and i can't tell the year
up from down
your tongue to my throat
cut me in half
and i spill out spotify playlists that will never last

i'm putting this back in motion
back to drive
i felt the wind shield hit my skin
and recalled the night we had

undercover for the next month-i'm trying to hide
please dont come looking
unless you really promise to be by my side

IF FROSTBITE REALLY LOOKS SO DIFFERENT
THEN I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE IN THE SUN

I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE SHOWN
NEVER MEANT TO MEAN ENOUGH

SIDEWAYS THOUGHTS WERE ALL IT EVER WAS

i think about him
and i think about falling in love with him
a feeling of safety
a feeling of comfort

i think about her
and i think about the whole earth shattering without her
a feeling of movement
a feeling of change

and i havent felt this wayyyyy
in someeee days
and i need you again
just to breathe
feel normal again

meet me in the middle again
before i send that text
felt the worse in my breath again

i found you a few different ways
in a few different men
if i dare say  
and ill cry through the night while you hold me tight
because i found my favorite song
it makes me think of you all day

i like you with your clothes off and i like him with his on. i wish it didnt snow so hard in my room.

being wrong isnt always bad
its just a reminder that sometimes you make something
out of nothing
and nothing comes from nothing
so why try and make something that isnt there
when you can focus on whats in front of you

you know?
that little voice inside your head leading you to believe that her work has depth and his work has insight and their work has character.
but what does your work have? can't its function be bigger than just a comparison to his, hers, theirs work. Is the work an extension of someone else- or is it a creation. A creation that was built from limb and slaved over for months until it was perfect. And perfect could not even describe it perfectly.

If its a comparison it cannot be anything more than a comparison.
Lets not get stuck there anymore.

writing behind this screen

no one could catch me
see where i was
know what i was thinking

i was hiding in plain sight
right under the covers

until i was caught
and seen through  

life was nice on the inside

but once again, the saint decides to sin

trying to finish everything in one gulp
you look good in my side eye
but maybe its just your hand down my pants
my mind cant stop thinking about it

you got me wet and then gave up
and i thought thats what i was going to do

this makes me feel
you make me red with anger
for no reason
beside an annoyance
like a pest on my shoulder
but you didn't even say a word
i couldnt keep it closed
im not mad that I met you

but im mad that I met you

spinning around in circles
is only worth it if you get better each time
and you stared me down in my backyard
and hoped to find out whether or not i survived

but that was never the point
and now it is never enough

when i read everything i write, it all seems so ridiculous. where are the real problems? have you ever been through anything ever or is loosing someone due to your own fault the biggest thing you've ever had to overcome?

tips on me like i was THAT sharp
and i thought i could catch you in your sleep
all in your dreams
my hands move too fast to the beat
i cant stay off your waistline
my favorite past times

all on me
where you should be

im sorry can we bleep that last line out or